Living between the man I am and the woman I want to be

It feels so right. Exercising my feminine grace, sharing my soul with a friend or stranger, working on being beautiful. Becoming a woman seems like the worthiest outcome of my efforts, and whenever I think about the necessary practice and perfection to get there it lights a smile inside my soul.

Yet for all my strong desires to be a woman, I go to work on Monday without a trace of the girl within me. I do not need to suffer the sacrifice so many transsexuals make when they transition. And I wonder, is my desire for womanhood just a fantasy that amuses me in my time away from real life?

My lovely wife has been wonderfully supportive. She’s shown more support than I dreamt I would receive. Yet, she loves me for the man I am, and I know that going further down the path to womanhood would mean that I lose the most precious thing in the world to me – the relationship I have with my wife.

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Somehow, it feels false for me to split my time between being a man and a woman. It feels more whole to be a man on the journey to womanhood. That even though it is slow, each step is deliberate with a well known end goal. To set such a definitive direction would mean so many things, not least of which are many uncomfortable conversations with those I love.

Don’t misunderstand my confusion – I have come to terms with being transgender – I love and accept that part of myself, along with the many other talents and gifts God has blessed me with. Yet I still struggle with how to express it in a fulfilling way. Unless I have a clear path before me, I resist the necessary practice in the feminine ways that would take me closer to being a woman. If being transgender is part time, more of a ‘hobby’ than a lifestyle for me, how can I be fulfilled?

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7 years ago

Hi vanessa Im 51 yrs old been a cross dresser all my life. I used to think I was a crossdresser, now I feel im more than that. Iv’e been married 26 years,and I truely love her. She just can’t accept me as I am. For the past 6 years I feel that I want to be female. My wife used to call me faggot and all sorts of names.When I started to shave my legs she got angry and said,She’s not married to a woman, and thats how she feels.I can’t help the way I feel, and I feel… Read more »

sasha lee
7 years ago

iam so envios and jelous, i only go out as sasha at night late at nite when most people are in bed. i know i defo wanna be a girl i do orr can make myself look girly. heels all the way
an have to have my nails done. iam jus gunna go for it soon i dont wanna leave it to late an end up an old lady.

7 years ago

Hi Vanessa, What a fantastic site this is. My question is: what does an ageing crossdresser do? Stop changing? Impossible. Give up on fashion? Impossible. I have found the best way is to age gracefully and adapt to clothing that goes well with one’s age group. One example: I am now off the 4-inch heels I have always adored wearing and go about in nothing higher than 2 inches. The same goes for skirts. I do wear minis indoors, but for outdoors I now opt for maxi dresses, long skirts, leggings, jeggings and slacks. I would love to hear from… Read more »

7 years ago

I want to ask, If GENDER ROLE REVERSAL then what should call boys and merred mens, means now we call merred womens MRS, and for girls MISS, then what we should call boys and merred mens?

7 years ago

I am crossdresser, 10 yrs ago, I am married with a woman, whe knows who I am. I am happy using skirts, high heels, pantyhoses, etc. I want to share my feelings and opinions with cd sisters.
Hugs to all of you

7 years ago
Reply to  karla

Vanessa, I am riding the same boat as you. I have the extremely strong urge to go out as a woman and to be more of the woman that I desire to be. When I am at home with my wife, I am usually in a nice top and skirt or short pants. I don’t own any mens underwear. The only underwear I have is what my wife has helped me pick out at VS. We go shopping virually every week-end. Regardless as to where we are shopping, be it VS, The Gap, The Loft, Coach or whatever, she insists… Read more »

7 years ago
Reply to  Jenna

You are lucky to have a wife who is so supportive of your situation. One night nearly 30 years ago, I was caught red-handed by my wife while wearing women’s clothes and walking on the street late at night. She was so upset by what I did that I promised never ever to do that again. But even now I am still occasionally getting my release through wearing women’s clothes and walking around the streets…just like that…with a wig on and in a skirt… late at night…just a walk like that is enough to release my tension…but sometimes I go… Read more »

7 years ago

Dear venessa I understand your position dear. Luckily u have a very understanding woman as your wife. I am sure u dont want to lose her, hence it is not advisable to go in for comlete transition. U can be the woman u want to be , even without going in for operations etc. For a change, accept the woman u love as ur husband and be a good housewife to her, If it is possible u can stop working outside and bexome a full time “housewife”. Let her be the providr and the one to take all major decisions.… Read more »

7 years ago
Reply to  urmila

dear urmila,
i am accepting what you said. i am new to here. i have now started looking for a person. I love cross dressing. i have not done many times. may be once or twice. I am ready to accept your point and looking for person if anybody interested i would like to see. i dont want to go for transition.

7 years ago

How right on you are about the splitting of your time between your male and female sides.
In an effort not to hurt my wife I did the same. Our kids never knew about me only my wife. she passed away a little over a year ago, now I can express my feminine side as often and as long as I like. That said I trade it to have wife back without reservation.

7 years ago

Vanessa – You shouldn’t struggle with your life between a man an a woman. You can enjoy being both. The thrilling time is when it’s time to pick out an outfit and you start to make the change…the rush is exciting and you feel tingly inside. It’s all good…very good.

7 years ago

i am a gay cross dresser………………. i have no one who loves me, no one who supports me. the only people who want that role are the ones that only want to fuck me………… not going to happen…… if i didnt have my son, i would kill myself………………

7 years ago
Reply to  dustin

Have hope dustin dear, I am sure u will meet a person who will love u until then be patient and cheerfu

Nikki Luuven
7 years ago
Reply to  dustin

Oh Sweetie please do not do anything drastic-many of us live with the same despair and depression. Find girlfriends you can talk to and spend time with-I live near Columbus Oh and would be more than glad to help. Hugs Nikki

7 years ago

I am 31 and I 175 bls and I want to be a woman and how do I go about that

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