Living between the man I am and the woman I want to be

It feels so right. Exercising my feminine grace, sharing my soul with a friend or stranger, working on being beautiful. Becoming a woman seems like the worthiest outcome of my efforts, and whenever I think about the necessary practice and perfection to get there it lights a smile inside my soul.

Yet for all my strong desires to be a woman, I go to work on Monday without a trace of the girl within me. I do not need to suffer the sacrifice so many transsexuals make when they transition. And I wonder, is my desire for womanhood just a fantasy that amuses me in my time away from real life?

My lovely wife has been wonderfully supportive. She’s shown more support than I dreamt I would receive. Yet, she loves me for the man I am, and I know that going further down the path to womanhood would mean that I lose the most precious thing in the world to me – the relationship I have with my wife.

Somehow, it feels false for me to split my time between being a man and a woman. It feels more whole to be a man on the journey to womanhood. That even though it is slow, each step is deliberate with a well known end goal. To set such a definitive direction would mean so many things, not least of which are many uncomfortable conversations with those I love.

Don’t misunderstand my confusion – I have come to terms with being transgender – I love and accept that part of myself, along with the many other talents and gifts God has blessed me with. Yet I still struggle with how to express it in a fulfilling way. Unless I have a clear path before me, I resist the necessary practice in the feminine ways that would take me closer to being a woman. If being transgender is part time, more of a ‘hobby’ than a lifestyle for me, how can I be fulfilled?

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Victoria
7 years ago

What is so impossible to explain is how it makes you feel to dress up and be a “woman”. It took me 60 years, but I am there. There is no way to explain it…but it helps that the love of my life loves it too. She loves me as “her woman” and she loves me as her man lover too. It all makes us so incredibly close and we both love it.

jenniferlee
7 years ago

I am in my 50-s…I have been secretly crossdressing since the age of 17. While I was staying with my parents, I sometimes put on my sisters’ clothes and makeup and looked at myself in the mirror. I started going out in women’s clothes in the middle of the night when I was 24 and have been doing this…on and off…sometimes up to a dozen times in one year…for the past 30 years. My wife doesn’t know this…our marriage will break up if she does. While I am on the street, I look for men to have sex with. Some… Read more »

Savana
7 years ago

I have been living as a male. I HATE IT. However, i don’t know if i was made, or born this way. Let me explain. Between the ages of 7 and 10 i was molested by my uncles. Yes i said uncles. One was more then the others,but it happened. One did this until i was thirteen. Next, i was molested by my female babysitter. I know this sounds out of the park, its true. I know it was wrong and perverted of them, but, i enjoyed it. I really did. Between my uncles and babysitter, they broke my cherry… Read more »

urmila
7 years ago
Reply to  Savana

Dear Savana reading ur was like me going through my experiences. Like u, I was molested between the age of 6 and 13 by my maternal uncle. and later seduced by an aunt. Even though i didnot like what my uncle did in the beginning, I started liking it and i did enjoy the experience with my aunty. My virginity was lost when my uncle used me. These experiences,Perhaps, in my subconcious mind, made me think i am a female. Somehow, i went through my life as a man and got married and have 2 children. After my second child… Read more »

Jenna
6 years ago
Reply to  Savana

I am almost exactly in the same situation as you and would also love to talk to someone about this. Can we talk?

bill morris
6 years ago
Reply to  Jenna

i like to wear woman lingerie i like men to take me to bed i like blk men i tell them all put your blk baby in me deep i want a blk baby so bad i pray for it to happen want to be a woman also i do have a nice small set of boobs now i just want blk men to ,love me in the bed this is day and nite why

macaylla
6 years ago
Reply to  Savana

I am in the the same boat as you are i want so bad to be a girl ive considered the worst thank god my wife has been there for me 75 % of the time but i still have this thought of being a girl and it is killing me

dean
6 years ago
Reply to  Savana

I know how you feel i feel the same. I have it different from you as I am divorced and can pretty much do as I wan and I want to be a woman

urmila
5 years ago
Reply to  Savana

First thing for you to comeout fully, you have to move out and live separately. I am sure she does love you as much as you do, and wouldnot like to loose you, instead she will understand your deeper feelings and will definitely try to adopt

Tina
5 years ago
Reply to  Savana

Omg I felt like that for years broke up with my last girlfriend 5 years ago when I came out to her Ben living as a female ever centsafter a year of gended counseling it was con permed what I always knew I am transsexual and I love that about myself would not change who I am for anybody ever again I know who I am and work hard ever day to be the best woman I can be I love myself and my life this all came to me when I fully excepted who I am a transwoman and… Read more »

Gina
7 years ago

I have fought for year about man or girl very few know of my more female side. Most of my life I live as a man and was never totally happy and complete. I the past few years I myself have come to realize a man I am not I have start to take herbs for my breast and my clothing is now 30 per cent female I have never been more happier in my life. I know most people do not want to be close to me but that’s okay I am happy

rebeccalynn
6 years ago
Reply to  Gina

What herbs do you take for breast growth?

Jon B
6 years ago

wow put on a dress for the first time and a wig it feels great then I started reading this site I found on the net I now want to explore my feminine side I want to look totally like a woman I am still loving being a guy cant wait to go shopping for dresses shoes panty hose makeup and all I will need thanks I love this site Joan

tom weir
6 years ago

I’m a man that wants to be a woman in all ways plus I’m 55 when I was growing up I was sexually active with a man that was three times my age

dean upton
6 years ago

to me it is my life in a nut shell..i know that I should have be female. t was molested when I was very young by both my brother and cousin. this went on for years. then my mother took her turn. I am not married and I can wear female clothes when ever I want. I cant pass for female but love the feel on my body. I shave most of my body. my daughter tells me that I am very feminine acting. I just want to be a woman. like I am suppose to be. am totally gay.

Shaunalynn
5 years ago

Hi my name is Shaunalynn, I never was molested as a child, Thank god. I feel for the ones that did. You never deserved that and the people who did this should never be happy and live with their gilt. I had a great childhood, parents. I knew from the age of 4 that I was different. I always wanted to be a girl. I would play dress up with my sister, wore her clothes and played with dolls and girls toys. She always said, she wanted another sister. and I always felt I was. As I grew up I… Read more »

sashaolaksana
5 years ago

most people have a few things in common being a cross dresser single mom, first boy or child or abused as a kid

Jennifer Patrick
5 years ago

Boy did this article really resonate with me. I just turned 50 and have been cross dressing since I was 10. Through all of the years I have been doing this, through all of the obstacles that challenged my perseverance(and sanity) the guilt, shame, purges, and denial; through the small triumphs(going out cross dressed for the first time) and the happiness I felt when I was dressed and the dawning realization that I finally accepted that this is who I am and the embrace of peace that went along with that revelation; it was the conflict between the male &… Read more »

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