Living in the Shadows

Let me jump into the deep end and see if I can make my way to the surface. There have been some great comments on my past posts and recently in the submitted articles that I’ve proofread. Being the girl in the back of the room who is analyzing everything and everyone, it got me thinking. Whose voice speaks in your conscious? Your female or male voice? Both? Someone else?

As an author, my head is always full of characters telling me what’s going to happen next and how to put it down in words. I’ve had my share of conversations with them, too. Sometimes it happens out loud. When I thought about this, it took me even deeper into contemplation and examination. When I was young, there wasn’t a female voice trying to convince me that I needed to wear thigh-high stockings and 6-inch platform shoes; it was just a need that I had. The voice that I heard afterward was male… full of condemnation and false promises. I can’t recall now when that voice became softer and more compassionate, switching to female.

My male (inner voice) is still there, only ever present when being (mostly) male, and then sharing space with my inner Brina’s voice. Over the last 10-plus years, she has been the guiding voice that speaks. Does that mean… Yeah, I don’t know either.

Am I transgender? Maybe, but… if I am truthful to myself, then just the fact that I or any of us who are drawn to femininity are probably placed somewhere on the transgender spectrum. Sure, it might only be ten percent instead of 60%, but we don’t just identify or have empathy with being female; we want it to be true in the way we (almost religiously) go about becoming that ideal. Where on the spectrum do you have to reach in order to say that one should transition and has crossed the line of being a “Crossdresser?” If I’m only at 70% and transition, does the other 30% male fill the role of background whisperer that my female persona once played? Nothing is harder than knowing you are a mutt… maybe lovable, but still a concoction thrown together. I envy those who know early in life and have the opportunity to fix both their physical and mental appearance accordingly.

This older broad would tell her younger self… “Take the blockers, do the HRT” because a life hasn’t already been lived with responsibility and consequences. To undertake it at age 65 is maybe slightly better than at 50 or even 35. I’m already at the stage where some of my masculinity is naturally blending towards female. I pass easier than I used to, but I’ve given up so much time in worry and wonder in the past that I have missed what transition at 40 might have been in a “Woman’s World.” Why should I now… Isn’t it easier to just be all female in my mind and live with the best I can do with what I have to work with. I’m not alone; for many, that is the case. What I will always have to live with is: “What if…”

Back to those voices and my point. Somewhere along the road, the guilt (it sticks around) and shame (it slowly morphs into understanding and acceptance) tend to ease, and we come to feel what our subconscious was trying to tell us all along: “We have strong female tendencies, and they trump our manly notions.” It’s true, some amongst us can occasionally feel the desire to completely dress, even drown in the pink fog for a while before jettisoning all remnants of femininity and happily returning to their male ego. My guess is that this is a small proportion of our extended family. Some may have only the desire to wear women’s underwear, and that is their only tie to being a CD, a guy who likes silk panties. A woman who likes to wear men’s boxers? See my point?

There are so many complexities in what they, and I mean every nook of the crossdressing existence, the transgender beliefs, and the population in general, signify as to what will fittingly describe what we are. Can I occasionally fully dress to the point of being totally accepted as a female and still be a heterosexual male? Does sexual orientation belong in the definition and conclusion? The mind and body’s make-up of estrogen versus testosterone can have something to say about it, but… we are enticed and drawn to that which makes our heart beat faster with passion. All of our senses fire to enlighten us as to what encapsulates us. Alice could take us down the rabbit hole, and we’d never reach the surface again if we tried to postulate it… I believe there is some correlation; I’ll leave it at that.

What I don’t know, because I’ve never asked, and I’ve never seen any official study, is what “Normal” men and women think? You’re laughing, aren’t you? We know that there is no such thing as a normal man or woman, only more feminine or masculine. Does a nearly pure woman ever think about not doing everything feminine (not shaving her legs or wearing softer clothing, perfumes, makeup, heels…) and taking on a societal take on being masculine? My guess is yes, they do… when they take it all off and put on their sweats and binge-watch television for a weekend. The man… not so fast, my friend, as Lee Corso would say. He might have an inkling of wanting to know what it feels like to put on nylons or that silk teddy, maybe even doing so. After a snicker or two, he moves on, and it becomes a fleeting memory. But for those like us, it becomes a wake-up call, and we’ve suddenly learned that we aren’t the one percenters. We want more, and the female voice will soon begin to whisper from within.

Living in the shadows encompasses so much when you are a crossdresser or one who might be more. We want what is feminine, and we want it to go away and leave us alone… until… what is feminine is something that we can no longer reject needing and wanting. I think that is when our voice of consciousness turns more feminine. Like most of our mothers, that voice is the one with compassion and understanding. The one that embraces and accepts. Some of us will never step out of the shadows and into the light. Contentment is personal and relegated by life and responsibility. My happiness is not another’s, nor is it up to them to impose their definition on me. In a world where it is becoming easier to be divisive, let us move ever more toward being inclusive. It is an old cliché: “You have to walk in someone else’s shoes.” Couldn’t be more fitting for us crossdressers…

When I see the wonderful pictures of the girls who are out and enjoying their lives in the public eye, I do wish I could be more like them. I hope to be, even if it’s when I’m 90. But it is in no way a lessening reflection of who I am. It is not a definition that I will live by. No matter the moment or the milestone, my heartfelt response to all those brave (even if little) steps forward that each of us takes will always be, “You go, Girl!”

May the light of femininity grace you with contentment and peace.

Until next time…

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Sabrina (Brina) MacTavish

Brina is from Iowa. She is currently the Managing Editor of CDH and TGH. When she isn't busy on-site, she spends her time writing--more than a hobby, but still seeking that 1st bestseller. Under her male guise, she has 5 published works of fiction and one short novella under Brina's deplume. A recently completed CD novel was published in 2024 and she hopes it can become a series with fun characters.

Latest posts by Sabrina (Brina) MacTavish (see all)

• Living in the Shadows - April 25, 2025
• From Across the Room - March 4, 2025
• Who do You Dress for? - January 11, 2025
• Hello 2025! An Invitation to submit an Article. - January 1, 2025
• Tis the Season to be… - December 4, 2024

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