I have been crossdressing for over thrity years. I have rarely been out and have kept everything out of sight from everyone; more especially from my wife and family. If I ever went out it was at night and to places where there would be little to no chances of being seen or getting caught.

My wife found out about my hidden life about 10 years ago during a period of time when we were living apart from each other. I went through a purge as the discovery for her was devastating to say the least. We talked at length about what my priorities were and I stopped crossdressing. We never talked about it again thinking that it was closed behind a door in my life and that not discussing it would keep that door firmly locked

I was just fooling myself in this vain hope thinking that locking part of myself away would help at all.

Crossdresser Heaven - Find Your Tribe

Recently I have come to realize that I tried to shut out a very important part of me that makes me special and unique. I do not necessarily have to dress up in my favourite clothes or wear makeup to be Abbie. Nor should I lock her away like some forgotten princess, awaiting rescue. I know now that I need her to help me be more passionate, loving and caring. She is my emotional strength and a central part of my charactor and personality. I was completely mad trying to hide her away.

I am learning to open my life to that side of my personality and try not to distinguish between my male and female sides as they are now just me and I need them both to help me through my darkest days. I suffer terribly from depression and some days are very dark indeed. Abbie helps me through those days and she helps them seem a little brighter.

Many people shut part of themselves away or try to run away from parts of themselves that either they are not comfortable with or that the world is not comfortable with. This only leads to an imbalance in our lives and could lead to us locking away parts of ourselves that we need and that are important to oursleves. Parts of us that leave us that we need to help us feel whole and complete. It is important that we accept who we are in life and not spend our lives trying to fit our square pegs into a round hole, or trying to shut doors as it will just lead to frustration.

I am a far better father, husband and person with Abbie in my life than I was when I tried to lock her away. The frustration is the thing that should be locked away as I allow more and more of Abbie to emerge as I enjoy underdressing, painting my nails, smelling lovely, looking good and wearing heels. (when I drive or am alone) I am not very good at any of those things. I am still not ready to go all out and enter the world as Abbie and I may never have the desire to do that. That does not really matter so long as I remain true to myself and am happy with who I am mascara and if if required.

 

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I am a trans girl living in the UK. I have been married for almost 20 years now and have three wonderful children. I am strangely still closeted although somehow I dress fairly low key and try and stay below the radar. I love to write although I never have enough time to do it and write poetry and stories about just about everything and anything. Not sure if I am any good but I guess that is for you to decide.

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11 Comments
  1. ellen journey 1 year ago

    wow how powerful was that … thoughts and feelings of the powerful struggle we as cross-dressers live with on a daily bases.i am so glad i joined this site.its expressions like this that gives strength to continue on this journey of our personal lives….thanks for sharing

  2. Jennifergordon 1 year ago

    Thanks Abbie! For me it is still a true struggle after all these years. I finally came to the conclusion that this part of me is real and precious. It is a day to day process for me. Small steps for sure but they are still steps. Without this wonderful site I would have no support at all and just that thought would be overwhelming. I want to thank all the ladies for their never wavering help. Bless ya’ll.

  3. Jeanette 2 years ago

    Abbie your writing and experiences touches all our hearts, it makes me reflect on the events in my life and the times and places I cherish plus the dark side I had to come through.
    Please keep on writing and sharing , it will help you and countless others.
    Jeanette

  4. Sharon ainsley 2 years ago

    When my wife found out I stopped and purged. I hated myself for that and resented her for making me do it. She eventually came around and I started dressing again. This is who I am and she decided to accept that. We get along better now than I think we ever have. I am grateful she did come around because I was thinking divorce was coming.

  5. Monika Sweet 2 years ago

    My experience with most men around is that in real life most of them have fancied lingerie or some sort of women things… But to show their macho side and keep that facade, each one never acknowledge that they have a fem side too.

    We CD’s are special and brave souls who not only recognize this trait but nurture it as well with care keeping the balance. We are more expressive, more passionate and more sensitive to humans than those macho men out there.

    Keep up the good work and I believe there is no reason to lock yourself behind your male person

  6. skippy1965(Cynthia) 2 years ago

    Yes Abbie as all have said, you captured the essence of what life is like for so many of us! While most CDs will never go beyond that, for me and a small subset of the CD community, there are additional feelings of gender dysphoria that may or may not lead to living full time with or without HRT and/or SRS.. Whether I live part time/full time ,transition, or remain a CD but who gets out more remains to be seen! Keep up the great writing though girl!

  7. Melissa 2 years ago

    thank you Abbie every thing you have written hit so much to home

  8. stacey s 2 years ago

    Abbie, Great written article Good Luck .
    Stcey S

  9. Jesse Nicole(Smokey) 2 years ago

    This is the life alot of cds live. It’s a constant struggle to be ourselves. I wish you all the best Abbie and hope you embrace Abbie and hold her tight!

  10. Rosaliy Lynne 2 years ago

    Great article Abbie and I am so glad you have learned those lessons. You cannot hide from yourself. And you cannot have a healthy relationship without coming to terms with what makes you that unique and special person your spouse fell in love with.

    Eventually, if you haven’t started already, you are going to have to have that all important serious dialog.

    You did not say but I presume that you have been dressing longer than you have been married. This might be a good place to start to let her know this is just part of who she married and made you the one she married.

    Will it be easy? Probably not but it does seem to be necessary.
    Good luck, my friend.

  11. Miss Jenny (MJ) 2 years ago

    thank you Abbie
    very well said, just the way a lot of us girls feel for most of our life’s
    hugs Mj

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