I have been crossdressing for over thrity years. I have rarely been out and have kept everything out of sight from everyone; more especially from my wife and family. If I ever went out it was at night and to places where there would be little to no chances of being seen or getting caught.
My wife found out about my hidden life about 10 years ago during a period of time when we were living apart from each other. I went through a purge as the discovery for her was devastating to say the least. We talked at length about what my priorities were and I stopped crossdressing. We never talked about it again thinking that it was closed behind a door in my life and that not discussing it would keep that door firmly locked
I was just fooling myself in this vain hope thinking that locking part of myself away would help at all.
Recently I have come to realize that I tried to shut out a very important part of me that makes me special and unique. I do not necessarily have to dress up in my favourite clothes or wear makeup to be Abbie. Nor should I lock her away like some forgotten princess, awaiting rescue. I know now that I need her to help me be more passionate, loving and caring. She is my emotional strength and a central part of my charactor and personality. I was completely mad trying to hide her away.
I am learning to open my life to that side of my personality and try not to distinguish between my male and female sides as they are now just me and I need them both to help me through my darkest days. I suffer terribly from depression and some days are very dark indeed. Abbie helps me through those days and she helps them seem a little brighter.
Many people shut part of themselves away or try to run away from parts of themselves that either they are not comfortable with or that the world is not comfortable with. This only leads to an imbalance in our lives and could lead to us locking away parts of ourselves that we need and that are important to oursleves. Parts of us that leave us that we need to help us feel whole and complete. It is important that we accept who we are in life and not spend our lives trying to fit our square pegs into a round hole, or trying to shut doors as it will just lead to frustration.
I am a far better father, husband and person with Abbie in my life than I was when I tried to lock her away. The frustration is the thing that should be locked away as I allow more and more of Abbie to emerge as I enjoy underdressing, painting my nails, smelling lovely, looking good and wearing heels. (when I drive or am alone) I am not very good at any of those things. I am still not ready to go all out and enter the world as Abbie and I may never have the desire to do that. That does not really matter so long as I remain true to myself and am happy with who I am mascara and if if required.