I have, for the past few months, been distant from CDH. This is in part because of my chronic illness and how it has become active again after almost a year of remission. Part of it is also because of a side effect of that illness, and this may be something others might be able to relate to.

Two and a half years ago I spent twelve days in the hospital and nearly died. No one could determine what was wrong with me. Still very ill, I was discharged from the hospital and went to see a string of specialists. As my mother would say “You’ve seen every kind of specialist now except an OB/GYN.” Finally I was diagnosed with Systemic Lupus (SLE) in the moderate to severe range with severe rheumatoid and osteo arthritis.

I have been crossdressing in one form or another since 1986. I have gone through periods of full dressing, but most of my dressing has been “waist down” crossdressing. I have an affinity for miniskirts, nylons, fishnet tights, and high-heeled shoes and boots. Now try to reconcile this with dealing with two forms of very painful arthritis. For starters I will say it pretty much makes wearing heels a form of self-harm.

When I have a Lupus flare, my knees, ankles and feet become swollen. So do my hands, but that doesn’t really bother me. I’m what you might call a crossdressing fetishist. I’ve admired women’s legs on the level of fetish since I first hit puberty. It became an obsession for many years while I was a socially awkward and shy teenager who couldn’t find the courage to talk to girls. Then, in 1986, my first real girlfriend, while commenting on my fetish, told me that I should try shaving my legs because “you have legs like a girl, you know.”

En Femme Style

I would dress for Halloween most years after that, always combining a costume with a reason to wear a miniskirt and heels. There was the wicked witch, the harpie, the demoness, and my all-time favorite “the cheerleader from hell.” And every appearance I made was met with remarks about how good my legs looked in heels and a skirt.

Eventually I found other reasons to dress, surprising girlfriends by slipping into a skirt and heels as a way of revealing that side of me. Unlike a lot of ladies on this site I rarely met with rejection. In retrospect it was because I played it off as something I did to mess with people rather than as a lifestyle. Aside from a two year period in which I revealed that side of me to the wrong woman, a narcissistic sociopath who took me down a very dark road, it was always a part time thing I did. Truth was, when I was by myself I frequently dressed while playing it off as an amusement or sideshow.

My illness and the symptoms have made it very difficult to dress the way I like to. I can’t really wear heels, my legs look swollen, pale and veiny. I am always in pain, sometimes low levels, sometimes higher levels. Sometimes I can’t walk across a room in sneakers without wincing in pain. I take a lot of medication to alleviate my symptoms. I suffer from chronic fatigue, and sometimes I can’t bend down well enough to shave my legs the way I have daily for most of the past 30 years.

Sometimes I come to CDH and I feel like I don’t belong. It is an irrational thought. I am aware of that. I am reminded of how I can’t dress the way I used to and how I wish I was physically able to do the things I once took for granted. And sometimes even when I have the time I start to feel down chatting with others when I hear them talk about dressing and doing the kind of things I once could.

I’m adjusting upon realizing this is the primary reason I’ve stayed away, because of how it makes me feel to be reminded that I can no longer dress the way I’d like to.

It is probably my ego that needs to get over it, like the fifty year old woman I met not too long ago who still dresses the way she did when she was twenty-one and thought she could still pull it off. We all get older and can’t do what we used to be able to do. I just hit the wall a bit harder than most.

EnFemme Style

More Articles by Dionysus (Captain Di) The Corsair

View all articles by Dionysus (Captain Di) The Corsair
The following two tabs change content below.

Dionysus (Captain Di) The Corsair

I will likely not be here very often and may be unable to respond to you. Please contact one of the Ambassadors if you would like to reach me.

Latest posts by Dionysus (Captain Di) The Corsair (see all)

Tags:
0 0 votes
Article Rating
12 Comments
Inline Feedbacks
View all comments
Candy
Baroness
3 years ago

I see that article was written almost 5 years ago. By some wierd twist of fate it just popped up on my screen today. I logged in today mainly to remind myself of the good times I’ve had here and share in other girls adventures as I too am wondering if I’ll ever dress again. I’ve been going through a particularly nasty bout of rheumatoid arthritis myself. I thought I knew how to handle pain. Doctors have commented on my high pain tolerance. If something hurts I tend to ignore it and go on about my business safe in the… Read more »

12
0
Would love your thoughts, please comment.x
()
x
Subscribe To Our Newsletter

Subscribe To Our Newsletter

Join our mailing list to receive the latest news and updates from Crossdresser Heaven.

You have Successfully Subscribed!

Log in with your credentials

Forgot your details?