Many Memories and a Couple of Complaints

When I started this column I noticed how I kept using the personal pronoun “I” over and over. I read tutorials about how to minimize the use of “I” in writing but every time I had an idea or thought that trusty little “I” popped up. I just couldn’t seem to navigate around that one little word no matter how hard I tried so I gave up and decided to write this little column about me, myself and I without letting the “I” distract me. So here goes.
In my younger years I would try to recall my earliest childhood memory and it would always be a trip to the beach at about age 2. My brothers were 2 and 4 years older than me so they got to go into the water with my dad while my mother (who couldn’t swim) kept me on the beach. Maybe this is the genesis of the sense of being separated from the males and included with the females. Perhaps my parents felt I was not ready for the rough and tumble of being a regular boy. Later in my formative years as my brothers got shot guns or rifles or motorcycles but there always seemed to be some age or maturity level I fell below and time and again I got excluded from the males, so no firearms or motorbikes for me. My brothers were off hunting or riding dirt bikes while I was left at home with Mom, unarmed and with my trusty bicycle. It’s not like my mother made me wear a dress and help her clean the house but there was a definite separation. As I got older my dad was working more so most of my parental interaction was with my mother by default. In Jr. High and High School I played sports and hung around with the guys and was never what you would consider a sissy or effeminate. I have always been attracted to girls/women except as with most cross dressers it is a mixture of attraction and admiration.
All this is to say I have lots of early memories about life in general but I don’t remember the when the desire to cross dress or to identify in any way with the opposite sex started. It’s like this wonderful desire has always just been a part of me. Sometimes it is a faint memory and sometimes it is like a raging fire but it is ever present. There has always been the isolated desire to try on a pair of panties or a bra or maybe a dress or some other article of clothing but these incidences were so few and far between I would almost forget about them from one time to the next. My wife and I were talking last week and I recounted to her a time during our first year of marriage when she was out of town I painted my nails completely out of the blue. The desire would pop up and then disappear for varying periods that I couldn’t predict or control.
Sometime in my 40’s I started to think about dressing a lot and got really serious about it. I started buying clothes, shoes, makeup and wigs. During this time I dressed about once every two weeks. Most of my early photos were so bad I never show then to anyone. I keep a few to remind myself of how far I’ve. come. My initial attempt at building a wardrobe was probably less than 25% successful. Over the next 2 or 3 years I came to the realization that cross dressing was not something to feel guilty and ashamed about but instead it was an incredible gift. The realization began to sink in that this wasn’t going away this time and it was something I was going to have to deal with from now on. Ever since I started dressing seriously it was always in the back of my mind that at some point I would have to quit. Over time I decided I didn’t want to quit and that I am glad and happy to be a cross dresser. It’s brings me so much joy and is an important part of who I am. This also presented me with the biggest dilemma of my life. Do I tell my wife and if so how?
In the Spring of 2012 we had been to a social event. It was one of those open bar/free booze things and my wife had too much to drink. When we got home I summoned all my courage and pulled up some of my photos and showed them to her. You have to know my wife to appreciate this but her first comment was “you have on too much rouge” instead of “What are your doing in a dress?” It has taken a while but my loving wife has gone from knowing to tolerance to acceptance. We now shop for clothes, makeup, shoes and all things feminine together. Her help and advice have made me so much more confident and happy with my feminine presentation. Everyone has to decide the right thing to do for themselves as it relates to coming out. There are risks and everyone’s situation is not the same. There is no “one size fits all” solution.
A couple of weeks ago I dressed and took some photos on our patio. In some of the photos there were shrubs in the background. In the photos I have on a dress, heels, am completely made up with a wig on and my wife looks at the photo and says “we need to trim our shrubs.” Later we were going through several photos trying to pick one out for something and she comments that I look like a “sissy” in one of them because of the way I’m posed. Now mind you I’m dressed completely as a woman in all of them but in this one in particular I look like a “sissy.” From where I started a few short years ago that’s a complaint I can gladly live with. Maybe I should just trim the shrubs and try to look less like a sissy.

More Articles by Suzanne Jeffries

• Call me Suzanne
• What My 59 Year Old Self Would Tell My 29 Year Old Self

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