We all have those certain moments in our lives that are permanently etched in our memories. I remember exactly where I was and what I was doing when I heard about the 9/11 attacks and the assassination on John F. Kennedy. I remember what my kindergarten teacher looked like and what I wore at my wedding … you get the picture. As a crossdresser we also have many etched memories. For me, pink roses will always remind me of the first time I tried on my sister’s panties (which were white with little pink roses) forever starting me on my crossdressing path. White sweaters remind me of the first full outfit I wore … my sister’s grey skirt with a white sweater and nylons.
So many of our memories are about learning our way. So much to learn about clothing and makeup an womanhood. My first wig was long and blonde and cost me $18. The lady at the costume shop gave me a deal, assuring me that a lot of the ladies at the strip club down the street also bought that wig. I remember my first time out dressed and in public … a blue dress with black pumps a little lipstick and a scarf in my hair (the $18 wig snarled so badly I couldn’t comb it!!) I went to the mall and had lunch at the Skippers Fish & Chips, ignoring the whispers and pointing by the counter staff. This was quickly followed by the terror of my first public women’s restroom visit after drinking too much iced tea!!
We also have memories that are not so fond; memories that reinforced the shame we felt for what we do. Like the look on my brother’s face when he caught me wearing only my mom’s panties; or the little boy in the checkout line pointing at me and asking his dad why that man has a dress on (coupled with the dissapproving stares from what seemed like a thousand other customers). I have fortunately never been physically or verbally assaulted, but I know many of us have.
For me it has been a long journey with still farther to go. I am at peace and no longer ashamed of myself for crossdressing. Some of my most horrific experiences, like being clocked by the little boy are now humorous side trips along the way. I cherish those wonderful people along the way like the young lady who did my first make over at the Sephora store (telling me her dad was also an engineer!!). The most important thing I’ve learned is that I will never be seen by everyone as the magazine model perfect woman but I can be happy just being me. Keep making and enjoying fond memories!!