The title may appear to make no sense at all when you first read it, but let me explain how we can find ourselves doing exactly just that in our present life
Describing going through transition as emotional and traumatic, could sound a little like an understatement to many entering into this stage of their life or those at the journey’s end. By the time we have realised that we need to be our true self and begin to transition, be that in part or full, we have already invested heavily into the life we have been living up until that point.
Our lives are constantly changing and affected by what happens to everything and everyone around us. We become involved with others through marriage, loving relationships and perhaps becoming a parent with children. We entangle ourselves with others in physical, emotional and psychological ways all through life. That is what we do in creating our own lives, through our emotions, actions and repetition in the way we choose to live.
That day when it all changes
So, when that days arrives when you can no longer bear to continue with that same old life and need to embrace your true self in it’s fulless, is when things begin to change in many ways and on every level of your daily life.
I went through this process myself around four years ago after realising that I had lived my life in a habitual and repetitive manner, ignoring my deep rooted desire to be someone else, which had been suppressed for what felt like an eternity by then. To look back on that time now, I still feel the emotional tidal wave that hit me at that moment, induced by starting to take estrogen capsules and shifting my life to a more public and feminine presentation of myself.
The thought of breaking the news of my decision to members of my family and especially my daughter, with whom I had a close relationship, made me shudder at the thought and of the potential consequences. I began to create an image in my mind that wasn’t real, but of my own making of how things could play out.
Comprehending the impact
I had started to feel not only emotional more frequently on a new level, but unsettled without understanding why, with moments of deep sadness when I thought about how certain parts or my life would never be the same again. The possible loss of friends and family who in the worst case scenario would not accept me or make fun of my choice to live as a woman.
I visited a female friend who had I had know for a few years and before I changed my life path and was the first person to know about my decision. We sat in her beautifully managed garden in the shade of a tree on a sunny afternoon, sipping glasses of rosé wine and chatting, as we had always done so freely. She became an even better friend and support in my life at a time when I so much needed that. During our conversation, I had mentioned how I had been feeling and the bouts of sadness that were quite overwhelming sometimes. It concerned me why I couldn’t see what was making me feel so sad; I was too close to the situation to be able to observe myself.
Her remark hit me like a church bell had suddenly chimed, the sound waves colliding with my head and resonating for a brief moment. What she suggested was quite powerful and had quite an impact: –
that I had been mourning for my old self. I had already broken certain ties with people and made changes in my life that was a letting go of my old self. As if I were waving off an old and dear friend while standing on the quayside as a liner begins to drift out to the open sea, to another continent and far off land.
Breaking links with your past
In that moment, I suddenly saw that I had been ‘mourning’ for my old self, acknowledging the ties I had severed on multiple levels from my old habitual pattern of life. It was allowing me to be free from many things and I was waving goodbye forever to all of them as I sailed away into a new existence and new and happier life.
I had forgotten all about this moment until I heard something recently that instantly took me back to that day. I also began to be aware that there were other moments in that early stage of my transition of equal importance. As I recall them I will try to incorporate them in articles from time to time.
Should any of you reading this article have felt similar at some point in your transition I would love to hear from you in a comment or via a message on the site. I hope that this may provide some insight into a difficult period during transition that may not be so clear or as obvious for you, as it also eluded me some while ago.
Love and hugs
NB: I was born in London, England and as such speak and write in English, certain spellings differ from the American version of my cultural and birth language and hope you can understand my text knowing this, that some words are not misspelt but the English version of English language.
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Its funny as I read this article, a conversation I just had with my therapist about the same thoughts and feeling going through my being at this time very emotional crying all the time. You ive been living my life for everyone in my life but I’ve been very unhappy and I know why because this is a part of me I can’t deny, 54 years latter and its still relevant in my life so I accept my new self as I am i just hope everyone around me can except me as nikki and not david any more.
David, thank you for leaving your comment, much appreciated. I am encouraged by your response in that, I touch a nerve with you or something deeper within you. I share my knowledge, understanding and discoveries during my lifetime to help others in anyway I can. So, if I have helped you in some way, that fills me with a sense of acomplishment. The possibility that I may have helped just one person on their own journey to understand and make sense of their own life is heart warming and encourages me to continue to share these things. So I thank… Read more »
Sophie you are great writer and this article is brilliant and wonderful. It applies universally to any major transition in life. Thank you for sharing all of your great writing with us..
Dear Mona, you flatter me with your comment and I thank you sincerely for taking the time to post a reply. Your understanding of my writing is acute and recognises precisely my intentions in publishing this piece. Much of what we perceive in our suffering is based upon a false perception that we create. We are not so different to everyone else in this world, we are just made to feel there is a void, that really does not exist, other than in the minds of those who are not really conscious with regard to life and all it encompasses.… Read more »
Thank you sophie. I needed that this morning. Recently seperated after my wife found out. Living alone has allowed pamela sue to be alive!!!!!
Thank you for sharing your thoughts with us all, it’s greatly apprciated
It’s a tough path we tread to self-love and happiness, when we have these feelings inside of us and often from a child, it is very hard to suppress them for a number of years or even a lifetime. The effects of our decision to be who we are can be costly to us personally and difficult for others to understand much about why we have to do this.
I send you love courage and my best wishes for a happy life for yourelf
Thank you Sophie! Coincidently I watched a video today which recommended something very close to where your article leads us to: write down a letter to our past self. Write about what we did wrong, what we did great and, above all, acknowledge that, despite our mistakes, we’ve done our best to reach the point we are today, considering all conditions we faced throughout the life. This acknowledgement is needed to build up a stronger self steem in the long term. Perhaps what makes you mourn the past is the usual and perfectly understandable pain of letting go a significative… Read more »
Dear Daisy, Thank you such much for sharing that with us all. It’s great to know that you are learning about yourself in that way.Over the past year, my understanding of what we need to accomplish to get to a better place in life, requires three key elements. These are common for all of humanity and many will never achieve this in their lifetime. Choosing the path we do, we eventually learn that we have no other choice but to acquirer these three skills that are the keys to many great things in our lives. Although what I am about… Read more »
Hi Sophie , yes i to felt a deep regret about loosing my male self , i mean look at all the years spent as him . I started keeping a journal , every day i would write down my feelings about being her , about any and every thing , especially my fem feelings . He was dying and Leslie was coming on stronger every day . My keeping my journal helped me understand , that i was finally being the person i need to be , the one who was most strongest , her . Some days i… Read more »
Dear Leslies, thank you so much for you lovely reply it is greatly appreciated and grateful of you time to do so. It’s wonderful that you have been able to share that with us and a very sweet and endearing story that is a help to all others who struggle to understand themselves. We need to overcome the programmed mindset that we have been conditioned with from an infant to learn how to undo the old and recreate the new and real You, as you choose. It begins a new life of freedom to be your true self. Love and… Read more »
That is so profoundly true, Sophie. Since you have guided me with references, I have been feeling like I have ‘progressed’ some, sleeping better too which has been a massive improvement. Getting to sleep better most importantly changing the dynamics of my mind and stopping the swirling surges and re-incantations of bad memories and suppressing the unpleasant memories. You’ve been a huge help and I thank you from the bottom of my heart.
Keep being you. You’re incredible. x
Dear Kitty, I thank you sincerely for your amazing reply and totally grateful! I am incredibly happy for you Kitty and that I have been able to help you improve your life in the smallest of ways. I cannot tell you how poweful it is for you to share that with us all. Naturally, I am greatly flattered by your kind words, but do not believe for one second that was your reason for writing your reply. I acknowledge fully, your intentions and the delight in informing me of your progress, showing others how you have and they can too,… Read more »