Musings on Depression….and Life

Ah…… depression. An ever-present companion. If I ever wonder who or what I can count on, I know depression will always be there, lurking, waiting to envelop me, wrap its arms around me and consume me. It seems I have been fighting depression for most of my life, only really recognizing its all-pervading influence on my life the past few years. A trip to the emergency room and then the psych ward has a tendency to focus your attention.

What, you say, does this have to do with crossdressing? Well, everything, and nothing. Suppressing my crossdressing added another layer to my inherent tendency towards depression. What I have discovered is that freeing myself to dress when I feel the urge has lessened my depression but has not eliminated it. There are so many factors that go into the psyche, and my crossdressing is only one. We are all complicated individuals, with many, many facets. I have learned over the past two years that my moods swing all over the map, and I just have to weather them as they come. My crossdressing allows me an escape at times, but at other times the desire is not there and I need to cope in other ways. So I go to counseling, spend time with my wonderful children, and plan for retirement  (can’t come soon enough!)

Depression to me is just a companion that I interact with on my journey through life. Always accompanying me, occasionally in the background, but often out front and center. I have learned that it is just a part of my life, so I work it into my ongoing existence. It’s part of who I am so I am learning to live with it – even embrace it. What doesn’t kill me makes me stronger – right?

Transgender Heaven - Gender Journey

These musings lead me to this – I guess what I would hope is that all of you wonderful ladies come to realize that you have many, many aspects to your personality. Don’t let dressing, or the lack thereof, define you or your happiness. Embrace your life and embrace who you are – male, female, or both. All parts of your life are worth living. And if you stay true to who you are you will be able to handle what comes your way – be it your family, depression, or society at large. Just as crossdressing is part of who I am, so is my depression. I have learned to incorporate both into my life. The longer I live the more I realize that life is a matter of accepting who we are and learning to live with all aspects of our nature. Odd at times, but necessary.

We all have that capability – if you haven’t already, you can learn to love who you are – ALL of you. Remember, you encompass all parts of your personality. Love all of who you are and your life will be that much better for it.

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April (Pacific Princess)

I have been crossdressing since about the age of 7, but took a 30+ year hiatus from dressing while I was busy with family. I started dressing again a little over a year ago, and I finally like who I am. I only dress once a week or so, but I'm a bit of a perfectionist and love going “all out” when I do. I guess I'm kind of a late bloomer (re-bloomer?), and I don't know where this journey is going, but I plan on enjoying the ride!

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  1. Thanks. Super post.
    Yeah, depression has been with me since childhood. It’s part of who I am I suppose – but much like CDing, should I fight it or hate it?
    Outwardly I have a great life as far as others are concerned, but what we live with at home, my baggage and within this skull definitely affect my ability to be as thankful as I should.
    Any hints as to how we might begin loving our whole selves?

  2. Joanna Knight 3 months ago

    April,
    I’m like you when it comes to depression! 3 years ago I was at a bad point in my life and was close to taking my life! I reached out to family and she helped me out for I’m still here!
    I just wish I could tell her about my crossdressing I haven’t told her yet out of fear of losing her and the rest of my family!

    Love,
    Joanna

  3. Amanda Lyons 3 months ago

    I just wanted to comment I don’t think I suffer depression but I do have suicidal thoughts I have tried to take my life a few times I lost both of my parents to suicide when I was younger. I live in a small country town it was hard comming out now I think I’m back in the closet but I’m ok with that each to thier own

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