Ah…… depression. An ever-present companion. If I ever wonder who or what I can count on, I know depression will always be there, lurking, waiting to envelop me, wrap its arms around me and consume me. It seems I have been fighting depression for most of my life, only really recognizing its all-pervading influence on my life the past few years. A trip to the emergency room and then the psych ward has a tendency to focus your attention.
What, you say, does this have to do with crossdressing? Well, everything, and nothing. Suppressing my crossdressing added another layer to my inherent tendency towards depression. What I have discovered is that freeing myself to dress when I feel the urge has lessened my depression but has not eliminated it. There are so many factors that go into the psyche, and my crossdressing is only one. We are all complicated individuals, with many, many facets. I have learned over the past two years that my moods swing all over the map, and I just have to weather them as they come. My crossdressing allows me an escape at times, but at other times the desire is not there and I need to cope in other ways. So I go to counseling, spend time with my wonderful children, and plan for retirement (can’t come soon enough!)
Depression to me is just a companion that I interact with on my journey through life. Always accompanying me, occasionally in the background, but often out front and center. I have learned that it is just a part of my life, so I work it into my ongoing existence. It’s part of who I am so I am learning to live with it – even embrace it. What doesn’t kill me makes me stronger – right?
These musings lead me to this – I guess what I would hope is that all of you wonderful ladies come to realize that you have many, many aspects to your personality. Don’t let dressing, or the lack thereof, define you or your happiness. Embrace your life and embrace who you are – male, female, or both. All parts of your life are worth living. And if you stay true to who you are you will be able to handle what comes your way – be it your family, depression, or society at large. Just as crossdressing is part of who I am, so is my depression. I have learned to incorporate both into my life. The longer I live the more I realize that life is a matter of accepting who we are and learning to live with all aspects of our nature. Odd at times, but necessary.
We all have that capability – if you haven’t already, you can learn to love who you are – ALL of you. Remember, you encompass all parts of your personality. Love all of who you are and your life will be that much better for it.
its good to know were not the only ones April and the ladies on this site can lift you a little hun thanks for your post
Thanks love. Depression is a bitch, isn’t it?
No matter how much medication one takes for depression sometimes it’s either too much or not enough. We are in a true sense nothing more or nothing less than guinea pigs when it comes to finding the right recipe for each of us. The good doctors can only guess what may or may not work. The darkness upon us can be a true friend, dark and quiet to find ourselves again but it can be extremely scary for some of us. I found some things to take over when it get’s dark for me. Not everything one does fills that… Read more »
Well said Jackie.
I feel for you, April, and wish thee the best. Your advice, however, is spot on. Thanx for sharing your struggle.
hi April, thank you so much for sharing. I cannot imagine what depression is like, but I do know how paralyzing it can be to not be true to yourself. You are right about accepting who we are, embracing our trueself. My feeling of inner freedom is getting stronger now I no longer ask myself why, but instead accept it is part of me. I am learning to resolve limiting believes that dont serve me, and growing to love who I am.
hugs, Liv
Hi April……thank you for sharing your innermost thoughts and feelings with us. It is very hard to do so.Self introspection isn’t easy either…..figuring out who you are, want to be, and doing just that, swimming against the mainstream as it were. My life of wandering around the world has been insteresting, maddening, shocking and enlightening as well. I have seen things that no-body should ever see. My time as a youth in the Army educated me to things that bent my mind and tied it in knots…never to recover. Cross dressing is my refuge, a port in a storm. Cdh… Read more »
April, I forgot one thing….all we need in this life is 1 good friend…to share with. Our feelings, our thoughts and our actions can all be helped a great deal be having one good friend.
Dame Veronica.
April, I suffered with a period of depression before the break up of my second marriage. I entered into counselling and a course of medication. I worked for myself and had financial commitments for my business and family too. The counselling didn’t help as my wife would not participate for her own reasons, so the process came to halt. I managed to stop taking the pills and recover from that dark and lonely place. I swore to myself that I would never allow myself to fall into that place again. I hope that writing and sharing your personal experiences has… Read more »
Hi April, thank you for writing this. I too have depression as a companion always close by. And like you when I allow myself the urge to dress, it helps ease the feeling. I know it will never completely go away nor do I expect it to. The last 2 years for me have been eye opening and finally giving myself the room to accept my feelings and who I am have helped. Please know I would happily talk with you about anything. – Michelle
Such a great article
April,
What a great article! You being willing to share helps many others who have similar feelings realize they are not alone. I am blessed to not generally have feelings of depression-just occasional sadness. I say that not to brag-it’s not anything I did-just my personality tends toward optimism. I love the times we have spent together both at Esprit and ‘Keystone and at my house. I hope I help you have more of the happy moments so far and in the future! thanks for sharing your eelings!
Love,
Cyn
Thanks Cyn – I definitely consider your friendship one of the highlights of my life the past couple of years.
Hugs,
April
April,
Thanks so much for sharing. I have had my share of depression and anxiety.
The one thing we all need to remember is to try to be happy and love ourselves.
For me that is easier said than done at times.
Hugs,
Kayla