Musings on Depression….and Life

Ah…… depression. An ever-present companion. If I ever wonder who or what I can count on, I know depression will always be there, lurking, waiting to envelop me, wrap its arms around me and consume me. It seems I have been fighting depression for most of my life, only really recognizing its all-pervading influence on my life the past few years. A trip to the emergency room and then the psych ward has a tendency to focus your attention.

What, you say, does this have to do with crossdressing? Well, everything, and nothing. Suppressing my crossdressing added another layer to my inherent tendency towards depression. What I have discovered is that freeing myself to dress when I feel the urge has lessened my depression but has not eliminated it. There are so many factors that go into the psyche, and my crossdressing is only one. We are all complicated individuals, with many, many facets. I have learned over the past two years that my moods swing all over the map, and I just have to weather them as they come. My crossdressing allows me an escape at times, but at other times the desire is not there and I need to cope in other ways. So I go to counseling, spend time with my wonderful children, and plan for retirement  (can’t come soon enough!)

Depression to me is just a companion that I interact with on my journey through life. Always accompanying me, occasionally in the background, but often out front and center. I have learned that it is just a part of my life, so I work it into my ongoing existence. It’s part of who I am so I am learning to live with it – even embrace it. What doesn’t kill me makes me stronger – right?

These musings lead me to this – I guess what I would hope is that all of you wonderful ladies come to realize that you have many, many aspects to your personality. Don’t let dressing, or the lack thereof, define you or your happiness. Embrace your life and embrace who you are – male, female, or both. All parts of your life are worth living. And if you stay true to who you are you will be able to handle what comes your way – be it your family, depression, or society at large. Just as crossdressing is part of who I am, so is my depression. I have learned to incorporate both into my life. The longer I live the more I realize that life is a matter of accepting who we are and learning to live with all aspects of our nature. Odd at times, but necessary.

We all have that capability – if you haven’t already, you can learn to love who you are – ALL of you. Remember, you encompass all parts of your personality. Love all of who you are and your life will be that much better for it.

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April (Pacific Princess)

I have been crossdressing since about the age of 7, but took a 30+ year hiatus from dressing while I was busy with family. I started dressing again a little over a year ago, and I finally like who I am. I only dress once a week or so, but I'm a bit of a perfectionist and love going “all out” when I do. I guess I'm kind of a late bloomer (re-bloomer?), and I don't know where this journey is going, but I plan on enjoying the ride!

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  1. kaydee 7 months ago

    its good to know were not the only ones April and the ladies on this site can lift you a little hun thanks for your post

    • Author

      Thanks love. Depression is a bitch, isn’t it?

      • Jackie 7 months ago

        No matter how much medication one takes for depression sometimes it’s either too much or not enough. We are in a true sense nothing more or nothing less than guinea pigs when it comes to finding the right recipe for each of us. The good doctors can only guess what may or may not work. The darkness upon us can be a true friend, dark and quiet to find ourselves again but it can be extremely scary for some of us. I found some things to take over when it get’s dark for me. Not everything one does fills that darkness for all. I think each of us needs something of a higher power. Not necessarily god, creator, or jesus but something much bigger than ourselves and any disease or problems we face with depression. I won’t go into what is working for me since it it is a touchy subject with much of society. But I will say this, what I’m doing or practicing I should say is a strong guidance and a very loving and caring practice that I will not ever give up. My dark moments come and go still, but I greet it with a new strength I never had before and hope for the best.

      • Author

        Well said Jackie.

  2. MacKenzie Alexandra 7 months ago

    I feel for you, April, and wish thee the best. Your advice, however, is spot on. Thanx for sharing your struggle.

  3. Liv 7 months ago

    hi April, thank you so much for sharing. I cannot imagine what depression is like, but I do know how paralyzing it can be to not be true to yourself. You are right about accepting who we are, embracing our trueself. My feeling of inner freedom is getting stronger now I no longer ask myself why, but instead accept it is part of me. I am learning to resolve limiting believes that dont serve me, and growing to love who I am.

    hugs, Liv

  4. Hi April……thank you for sharing your innermost thoughts and feelings with us. It is very hard to do so.Self introspection isn’t easy either…..figuring out who you are, want to be, and doing just that, swimming against the mainstream as it were. My life of wandering around the world has been insteresting, maddening, shocking and enlightening as well. I have seen things that no-body should ever see. My time as a youth in the Army educated me to things that bent my mind and tied it in knots…never to recover. Cross dressing is my refuge, a port in a storm. Cdh girls have all been wonderful to me and it brings joy and proudness to be part of this sisterhood. I have and continue to study psychology and if you ever want to chat with me or ask me questions….I am here for you…my door is always open to listen and make suggestions….or just plain chat about frocks and any subjects. You are strong…..and will get stronger. All us girls are here for you, sweetie.


    Dame Veronica

  5. April, I forgot one thing….all we need in this life is 1 good friend…to share with. Our feelings, our thoughts and our actions can all be helped a great deal be having one good friend.

    Dame Veronica.

  6. Sophie Amb-France 7 months ago

    April, I suffered with a period of depression before the break up of my second marriage. I entered into counselling and a course of medication. I worked for myself and had financial commitments for my business and family too. The counselling didn’t help as my wife would not participate for her own reasons, so the process came to halt. I managed to stop taking the pills and recover from that dark and lonely place. I swore to myself that I would never allow myself to fall into that place again. I hope that writing and sharing your personal experiences has helped you, even if just a bit. And well done for bringing this topic into focus here. I feel that depression is often linked to leading the life that so many on this site lead, most probably mine too. And not a desireable path for anyone. Take courage and strength from those around you and know that you are never alone among this community.

  7. Michelle Liefde 7 months ago

    Hi April, thank you for writing this. I too have depression as a companion always close by. And like you when I allow myself the urge to dress, it helps ease the feeling. I know it will never completely go away nor do I expect it to. The last 2 years for me have been eye opening and finally giving myself the room to accept my feelings and who I am have helped. Please know I would happily talk with you about anything. – Michelle

  8. Lori Shane 7 months ago

    Such a great article

  9. *skippy1965(Cynthia) 7 months ago

    What a great article! You being willing to share helps many others who have similar feelings realize they are not alone. I am blessed to not generally have feelings of depression-just occasional sadness. I say that not to brag-it’s not anything I did-just my personality tends toward optimism. I love the times we have spent together both at Esprit and ‘Keystone and at my house. I hope I help you have more of the happy moments so far and in the future! thanks for sharing your eelings!

  10. Kayla C 7 months ago

    Thanks so much for sharing. I have had my share of depression and anxiety.
    The one thing we all need to remember is to try to be happy and love ourselves.
    For me that is easier said than done at times.


  11. Terri 7 months ago

    April, great article. Like yourself I have struggled with depression my whole life. Much of it was related to my dressing and or being transgendered. Thank you for sharing.

  12. Vicky Baxter 7 months ago

    Please help me out here, there’s something I don’t get.
    If someone has a problem with their gallstone, for example, or most other non-terminal medical conditions, they go to the doctor and expect to get it fixed.
    But if someone has a mental health problem like depression, surely we should expect a clinical psychologist to fix it? I realise that for some conditions, like schizophrenia, we don’t yet have a cure, but surely for depression, counselling should work?

    I am a counsellor specialising in PTSD, and over the years, my success rate is 89%. (I always give psychometric tests before and after.) And I would never charge a client if I couldn’t get them sorted.

    I would be interested to know if anyone has found any depression counsellors out there who do get results? And do they charge you if they don’t get results?


    • Author

      Hi Vicky,

      The problem is that my clinical depression has no specific physical cause to it, and no specific emotional cause either, at least not one that can be determined with today’s methods. I don’t get depressed because of A, B or C; I just get depressed. It’s a combination of brain chemistry, my life growing up, and the coping mechanisms I have learned along the way. I have been this way my entire life. I have no expertise in PTSD, but the name alone suggests there is a specific “trauma” that has caused the condition. So the odds may be better for finding a specific “cure”. I also think depression that has a specific root cause (such as a death of a loved one) is probably easier to treat.


  13. Elila 7 months ago

    Thank you, very much for a BEAUTIFUL article, April.

  14. Amanda Patrick 7 months ago

    Hi April,

    Loved your Article. As Somebody who has also Suffered from Depression most of my life Only it took a number of years to realize it. I suffered A lot of Trauma as a Child. But in the 50,s and 60,s we sucked a lot of things up and moved on. Plus my Depression is also Inherent. I also Suppressed my Feelings of Cross-dressing for many years Which probably did not help. But Like your self I am trying to embrace all parts of me and it is a journey. But one I seem determined to keep Travelling. After all If I cant Be myself ? Who else can I be ?



  15. Tracii Greene 7 months ago

    Great article.
    Personally depression isn’t and never has been something I have had to deal with no matter how bad things may have been at the time.
    I have been thru a lot of hard times and been involved in some bad situations too and depression just never reared its head because I knew I just had to deal with the situation at hand because I was alone and there was no one else to fix the problem I happened to be dealing with except me alone.
    I know a lot of people deal with depression and I really do feel bad for them because it has to be tough.
    Let me add I think currently there are a lot of people that say they are depressed because they seek attention from others or they want people to feel sorry for them. I know a few people that claim they are to obtain medications used to deal with depression or use it as a reason to get disability for the sole reason they don’t want to work a job and that is wrong.
    To me that diminishes the people that really suffer from it.

    • Author

      It is sad that some use “depression” as a reason to obtain attention or meds. I would gladly be rid of this. It is a debilitating “illness” (problem) that robs me of my enjoyment of life. I wouldn’t wish this on anyone.

      • Tracii Greene 7 months ago

        There is one girl on FB that constantly says stuff like I want to die or whats the use I’m never right. Her friends say she does it for attention. They say she has been that way for years.
        I know we are all different and that depression is a real thing.
        I would never wish an ailment on anyone.
        My life is far from perfect but I am alive so I am thankful for all that I do have.
        I hope you can get it under control April.

      • Author

        Oh, it is under “control” more or less. Just take it day by day.

  16. Claire Bunny 7 months ago

    Excellent article April.and very well not the best writer myself but I found it uplifting.also I myself and I am sure many other ladies here have similar experiences of depression.. ,I’m also a late bloomer .i am happy today And I just live a day at a time.its great that I have found this wonderful site.and I wish you all happiness and love

  17. Lucinda Hawkns 7 months ago

    great readings, i always thought if i did not dress up i would be depressed, going to hospital to find out nothing wrong tons of times, then i went to see my regular Dr and he said its panic attacks. ever since then i have been taking kolapin for panic attacks and i have not been in hospital, but i do at times feel depressed that i am not dressing up. its all what you have written so i don’t have to repeat it. but great story and great readings. we all should read this one and learn from it

  18. Sunita 6 months ago

    I am also fighting depression. As I try to escape ‘real’ world, it is very comfortable to be SUNITA. Unfortunately I can’t dress up every now and then. But yes inside me I am what I desire. God knows, where it will lead…
    Sick of this WORLD!!! I feel I do not belong to THIS world.
    Hope, Prince of my dream will come one day… He will carry me ( dressed up in wedding gown) to the other world….
    But …. This cruel world will not let this happen ….
    And depression
    Again depression

    • Author

      Love – don’t let the depression overwhelm you. It just is. I know for me, it comes and goes, but I always know I will have some good times. You will too. Just hang on and let them come.


      • Sunita 6 months ago

        Thanks April. This is the reason why I am @ crossdresserheaven.
        You know you are not alone. There is someone who understands you better.
        Anyway thanks again

  19. Gisela Claudine 6 months ago

    Great article, April. Thank you very much.
    Depression is a bitter companion. Sometimes I find myself bored with life. I feel defeated. I’m mentally exhausted. It seems to me that everything is rotten. I know that, at that precise moment, it is better to scare off ghosts. To struggle. Do not let myself be defeated. There’s only one live. I am unique I have virtues and defects like everyone else. It is up to me to get the most out of them. I am able to survive. I’m a fighter and I will not give up. Never more.
    Cinnamon kisses.

    Gisela Claudine

  20. Louisa 6 months ago

    Hi April,

    It seems that we have a lot in common.

    I suffer also with depression, and have only really just come to terms with my cross dressing guilt.

    I was stuck in a cycle of internet gratification of a cross dressing fantasy nature, followed by feeling of self loathing. I rarely ever actually cross dressed.

    Through councelling I have realized that so much of who I am is to do with my childhood and upbringing. In particular the relationship I have with my non-maternal mother.

    My wife realizes that I need to explore this side of my nature, and has been supportive enough to let Louisa come out. She is a little freaked out, but is coming to terms with my feminine side. I have come to accept myself more each day.

    The stresses of modern life and work contribute to my depression, but coming out has really helped.

    I wish you all the best on your journey of discovery.

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