This is 40 years of how I mostly came to be where I’m at today. I left out the back stories of burying two daughters, 20 years apart, and the struggles with addiction and depression; 50 pages couldn’t tell my story, nor come close to counting the tears I’ve shed.
We’re all responsible for our own decisions, whether wrong or right; they were ours to make. If it wasn’t for my family, I’m pretty sure my path would have been different. I would have rather lived as a woman.
The trick to making it through life…is a big, bright smile on your face, and never dwelling on, or regretting the “what if’s.” You play the hand that you are dealt with; learn to Laugh, Love, and Live.
In the early 80’s as summer rolled around, I was 13. My sister wasted no time in moving to another town to attend college. She and I shared a full finished basement, each of us with our own bedroom. After my parents went to bed upstairs, I would explore in my sister’s room. I tried on bras and tops, which led to walking in her heels and pantyhose. Over the summer, I would paint my nails and use her makeup. I would spend the entire night walking back and forth in the basement…. oh, what a rush.
At 19, I was living with my wife’s parents in a fairly large house. I worked the night shift, so during the day…. I was all alone. I was only 135 lbs. and could fit into all the beautiful things both her mother and she had. I knew the joy of wearing their high heels, miniskirts, lacy tops—weeks’ worth of pretty clothes. One day, fully dressed with makeup, I heard the lock turn. My wife’s sister had brought her laundry to our house to wash. I ran in our bedroom, closed the door, and waited for her to leave. They left 10 minutes later, but I’d been caught by my sister-in-law and her daughter…
We never spoke of it, but months later I was divorced for other reasons….. (I know it had played some part in it.)
I jumped into another relationship in less than three months. Having kids soon followed, and after a tragedy in our lives, I once again had more time alone. Going through her clothes awakened the woman in me, again. I wasn’t 135 lbs. anymore. It seems as she put on weight being pregnant, I too gained right along with her. Luckily (or unfortunately), her best friend started staying with us. She was my size, and I couldn’t resist all of her pretty things. They were gone quite often; I was fine with that. Still somewhat “passable,” I moved about and was caught several times. My wife had been told several times that a woman was seen at our place…
Seven years later, I find myself living alone again. Dressing was heavy on my mind, and I acquired an impressive wardrobe through shopping for things one at a time. Working for a man hauling junk vehicles to his scrapyard, I collected stuff that was left in cars, high heels, jewelry, make up, etc; it’s unbelievable what women will leave behind.
I started dating my ex-wife’s ex best friend. I didn’t dress for several years. After the “newness” kind of faded, we became more like best friends. I tend to believe that she had found out about my dressing. There were some subtle hints over the next 5 years. She passed away at only 43 years old. I believed that I would have opened up to her at some point; we were that close. Weeks before she passed, she’d been dropping hints, trying to get me to watch several T- Girl themed movies. I miss her.
Another relationship soon followed. It wasn’t really about love. We both happened to find each other. I had a big garage one lot past where we lived. I would spend many weekends, locked away inside, and dressed to the HILT! I kept all my girly stuff in the trunk of a car. I would put on fake nails, walk around in my 4 and 5 inch heels, and fix many a vehicle while dressed.
For the last few years, I’ve lived alone. The older I have gotten, the more I want to dress. At times, I fight it hard. I bet I have purged my collections at least 10 times over the years. Put it all in a pile and burn it to the ground. Time passes, something triggers that feeling, and here I go again. It doesn’t bother me to go into a store and buy girly stuff now.
I like taking pictures and videos of myself. I have some pictures posted on a few sites. I admit, I really like getting “genuine” compliments. Recently, I’ve deleted gigabytes of stored images and recordings of my journey. I’m always striving to be more “passable.” I ordered a fitted Corset and looked at some very “nice” wigs. A girl’s hair has gotta be just right….