Yes, my closet is full, stuffed, well past the breaking point. Now, when I force something in, something else pops out. My old clothes. Why is it so hard to let them go? What is this mysterious spell they hold over me?
Things that I bought when I first started dressing that are so trashy are still hanging around. You know, those things that your bedazzled eyes saw and looked so sexy and hot in the mirror. Those heels that you couldn’t walk in but looked so nice and made you so tall. I have been downsizing, getting rid of things that don’t fit, usually pants, and dresses that are no longer the style that I want to be seen wearing. Dresses that I’ve never worn with the thought that someday I might, but time has shown that they never will. I don’t see a formal ballroom dance in my future.
 My mindset as of now is that I will no longer buy anything that will not be worn out. I’m not hanging around in a closet and my purchases will not be either.
But those trashy, shredded, cutoff jeans that show my cheeks? The form-fitting spaghetti strap leotard? The cropped tank top? Why are they still here? It defies all reasoning that they are.
 Well, after dwelling on this many times, the only answer that makes sense to me is nostalgia. There are many ways to remember the past. It could be a diary, or photographs and videos. (8mm film projector that still works) We might keep old emails on our computers. We listen to I Want to Hold Your Hand on an oldies station. That was 60 years ago, but I am reminded of the hysteria of the Beatles coming to New York and of me in High School.
I have a hard time deleting the email address of someone that I knew and has passed. Seeing it again reminds me of that lost friend and sometimes I will stop for a minute to picture their faces and some of the times that we shared.
But those trashy clothes??? Â Well, maybe I’m just a romantic daydreamer. Seeing them takes me back in time to when I was young and foolish. (Unlike old and foolish now) Seeing them makes me smile, laugh, and shake my head in amusement. Â They bring back the memories of excitement, fear, and the entire experiences and desires of a beginning crossdresser. Exposing myself to my family, my friends, and the world. No way, never.
 For me, seeing them, touching them, is an instant shot of endorphins. (Endorphins: Peptides produced in the brain that block the perception of pain and increase feelings of well-being) Make mine a double, please.
 As it often does, putting my thoughts in writing brings clarity to my mind. Exploring this subject has provided me with something I didn’t have before, a somewhat logical answer to my stubborn resistance to ridding myself of these ridiculous pieces of my past. And I now know why I will never get rid of that white bikini (pictured) that I wore to the beach at Rockaway, New York, 20 years ago.
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I have so many clothes and I keep buying more a girl can’t resist a sale. I should clean out the closets of older things I no longer wear but it’s so hard to part with any of my girl things.
Oh Shelly, I know, I know, I know. I am finding it easier with some things as I now want to present as the mature woman that I am. As I am out quite often, I would hate for people to be thinking, ‘she shouldn’t be wearing that.’ The hardest ones to lose are the ones that I wore when I was dating and wanted to show a bit of skin…spaghetti straps, off shoulder. ( Younger clothes) Now I want to make a different impression and it goes beyond clothes. It’s being comfortable, confident and able to be more selective… Read more »