Life can be hard – sometimes very hard. Work, health issues, family, personal relationships, especially personal relationships. There have been times that I have been overwhelmed by the course events have taken, and I’ve wished I could escape my own life, if only for awhile.

Over the past two years, my personal life has been swirling around the drain, and I seemingly have little, if any, control over the final outcome. It has left me feeling a bit numb inside, but when I am April – fully and truly, the numbness goes away, if only for a while. I am able to assume the mantle of my alter ego and be free for a while. Free from the worries, free from the personal relationships that are falling apart. Free to just . . . be.

I know, for a lot of girls here, their feminine persona is who they are, not an escape; but for me, April is my escape valve. She is like water to a person dying of thirst. She keeps me alive – and functioning. She allows me a small slice of peace in all the turmoil that is my life, especially at this time.

For many years I had buried April, kept her hidden. For so long I had no real escape. And it almost cost me my life. Now, when I need April to be here I welcome her with open arms; like Linus and his blanket, she brings comfort and peace to me. And the harder life is, the more I need her. Like I need her now. Earlier this year I went away to Esprit for a week with a wonderful friend from CDH, and it couldn’t have come at a more needed time. I was struggling with a myriad of personal issues that threatened to overwhelm me. Esprit gave me one entire week to just be – April – to exist without all the worries and problems; to be a different self, in many ways my better self. For that time I am ever so grateful. I needed so much to “become” April for that week, to lose myself in her, if for no other reason than to keep going until hopefully, one day, the rest of my life comes together, even if only a little.

Recently, I have been isolated from someone I love very much, at least temporarily. I know it’s probably the right thing to do at this time, but it has been very difficult, and often my spirit is low. I am again turning to April to help see me through this tough time, as she has at similar times in the past year or so. Life can be very hard, and a little bit of peace, a little escape, is always a welcome respite.

I know that if April was forced to hide again I would be in a bad place. A very bad place. But I will not let that happen. I did before and it was not good. April is here to stay. And every time April is here I learn something about myself, and what truly makes me happy.

One day, in the future, I will get a handle on my life and I can be April on occasion just because it is wonderful to be her, not only because I need her to survive. But until that day comes, I am simply glad she is around to keep me sane and whole.

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April (Pacific Princess)

I have been crossdressing since about the age of 7, but took a 30+ year hiatus from dressing while I was busy with family. I started dressing again a little over a year ago, and I finally like who I am. I only dress once a week or so, but I'm a bit of a perfectionist and love going “all out” when I do. I guess I'm kind of a late bloomer (re-bloomer?), and I don't know where this journey is going, but I plan on enjoying the ride!

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24 Comments
  1. Leonara 4 weeks ago

    Thank you April for sharing your innermost feelings … It has helped me and I am sure it will touch other beautiful ladies who embrace CDH.
    You have a special “gift with the pen”. Thank you…….Leonara

  2. skippy1965(Cynthia) 4 weeks ago

    Hey Pacific Princess! What a great article! That was indeed a magical week at Esprit-one which I will never forget and a trip I look forward to making again in 2018! Even though our journeys are somewhat different , I DO see Cyn as an escape in some ways too ‘( though for me it MAY be that it eventually becomes a more permanent escape than it is for you ! Though I am not yet certain of that yet). But in the meantime, i will enjoy the journey even without knowing the final destination and I certainly enjoy the company in that journey! Thanks for sharing this with all of us!
    Cyn

  3. Sophie Frenchie 4 weeks ago

    April, thanks for sharing that with us. It’s nicely written.
    Being in touch with your feminine side to such an extent changes so much about how we perceive and interact with the world. Personally I feel that we become more thoughtful, sensitive, caring, loving and so much more. If only more men discovered that experience for themsleves, perhaps we would be living in a better world. The main thing for you is that you found April and it keeps your life in balance xxx

  4. Hi April! Your is a beautiful story…..thank you so much for sharing with us.

    Lady Veronica

  5. JaneS 4 weeks ago

    April, you have so beautifully elucidated the feelings some of us have had.

    Long before I accepted (and named) Jane, I found great calm in becoming her. I found an inner peace I didn’t know could exist. Yes, it was offset by the shame I felt, especially the contradiction that what gave me peace and calm also incited shame. Then I married and was able to suppress my crossdressing for almost ten years before the pressures of life saw Jane return, with something of a vengeance.

    A counsellor once told me that crossdressing is my ‘safe place’, somewhere I can go when I need a feeling of safety and comfort. I see now that Jane was my ‘escape pod’ These days, I have finally accepted that I am Jane. She is not just part of me, she is the manifestation of who I am because she allows me to accept the happiness I was so often denied or which I denied myself.

    You’ve begun truly to embrace April and that will get easier. I allow myself to be ‘Jane in my Mind’ for those times when a pretty dress or nice jeans and a top are not options. April is who you are, and those around you are fortunate to have you in their lives. As a friend, I consider that very much the case.

  6. Masie Brocklesby 4 weeks ago

    Thanks April for such an open and lovely description of how it is for you. I hope that the rest of your life can soon be as peaceful as it is when April is around.
    Masie xx

  7. Cloé Cupcake 4 weeks ago

    April,
    The struggle to be complete is truly a challenge worth enduring. Your truth is yours to embrace and is certainly a release from the pressures of life that can drag us down. And the isolation from a loved one can certainly amplify that struggle. Your name is synonymous with a month where showers bring forth flowers. So just as showers come and go, so too can you be complete in knowing that it is part of the wonderful rhythm of life that brings beauty and joy to a world that can be so drab.
    Cloé

  8. Sarah Daniels 4 weeks ago

    Wow. And yes too.

    Yes to that lifesaver within us. A guardian angel protecting our sanity when we let them hold our drab place in the world with their softness.

    Thanks for sharing April.

  9. Lissa 4 weeks ago

    I hear your every word April.
    Be strong in your low points, and with April by your side l’m sure she will pull you through the fog.

  10. Marianne Tornander 4 weeks ago

    Thank you April for a wonderful, well written and very personal essay about a subject I know many of us recognise. Also for me being Marianne often has provided an escape from overwhelming pressure and a way of recuperation after long days of intense work, especially since I was diagnosed with Parkinson’s five years ago. But I’ve also come to realise that Marianne is who I truly am and while I am currently trying to find out how to deal with that she’s gettin more and more visible in my daily life.

  11. Terrim 4 weeks ago

    Thank you April for expressing your feelings. I have struggled with my femme side throughout my life. When I finally realized that this part of me was not going away I began to find peace. My keyword in my life is Balance. I love my family very much, but I love being Terri too. Finding that balance is difficult but it is possible.

  12. Samantha G..... 4 weeks ago

    Thanks for sharing April.
    Wishing all the best for you hun.

    Hugs,
    Sammy

  13. Chrissie Cross 4 weeks ago

    I wish for you all the happiness and peace the world has to offer, April. Thanks for sharing.
    You express yourself beautifully.
    Chrissie

  14. Jackie Wild 4 weeks ago

    April this article is very touching and well said to describe your inner feelings and love for April. To me it sounds as though you are of all knowing whats best for your sanity and well being. Hold onto that love and follow your heart, you can’t go wrong when you do! Confucius once quoted “Be it day’s weeks or years, when the pupil is ready the teacher appears.” I think you are aware of who your teacher is, follow her path, your instincts and journey on, she is waiting for you…. I loved your article, you should be a writer April.

  15. I have to confess and say my female persona also provides me with an escape from my own troubles. I was really touched by your nicely written post. I don’t really have a name even if the chat group I was on, was kind and welcoming enough to suggest Alex as a name.

    I’m going through much the same. I have purged myself before in the past and I’m just sad to say I’m nowhere near a better human than I am when I embrace crossdressing and my nylon fetish.

    I write this, in a super cute high waist pencil skirt, a lovely lace top which is long sleeved, some really soft, silky, cute and sensual feeling tights from Heist and lovely flats with an adorable bow on the top.

    The truly sad thing is, that I think female born women feel the same way we do and hence go on spa days out, shopping trips with their girl friends, and do all those really girly things like paint their nails. Its just socially common and acceptable for them to do such things whereas we’re not in that era for men to do the same.

    The worst thing you can do in such stressful times, is to neglect yourself and your needs. To become prideful and narrow minded. Its easier said than done but embrace April. Welcome her into your life and accept this side of you can’t be destroyed. It wants nothing more than to softly bring love and affection in your life and shine a light on your surroundings of darkness.

    Its okay to struggle, I do so myself. Today I didn’t even see myself crossdressing and it just happened…I don’t nearly do it as often as I could because I’m still ashamed but I hope one day…we will come together and accept that we don’t hurt or bring harm to anyone, we don’t harm ourselves with the habits of smoking or alcoholism (ironically CDing is the most cost effective and painless way of de-stressing). We just want to bring a sense of soft peace calmness into our lives. Do we, as primarily men, not deserve to feel attractive? To feel wanted? To feel pretty? To feel desirable and happy? To not feel good about ourselves?

    Hell yeah we do!

    • Krista 3 weeks ago

      Hi stillworkingitout ohboy, trying to find your femme name? Here is a suggestion (if possible). Before my mom passed away a few years ago, I asked her for a femme name; what would she have called me if I was born a girl? She said Krista without blinking. So that’s my name and I love it. Good Luck on your journey.
      Hugs, Krista

    • Author

      Hon – I do embrace April, and I totally understand the feelings of wanting to feel pretty and pampered. It’s reassuring to know there are other girls out there who feel as I do. I am glad you are finding your way at a much younger age than I did. It took me 58 years to come to terms with who I am and to give April her name. You will find yours eventually.

      Hugs,
      April

      • I don’t even know if its the feeling/desire or if its the affect of de-stressing and actually taking time out for oneself that is the most dominant? I guess I’m still working it out.

        Yeah at 25, I guess I’m further down the road to a lot of members on here. Its sad really because when I think back to my pain/suffering/challenges. To deal with that for so many years…boggles my mind.

        This community helped me realise that I’m not alone and its probably pretty common, its just we don’t hear about it because its not considered socially acceptable for men to crossdress…at least out in public.

        I reckon CDing probably makes us all far more accomplished and well rounded men to our compatriots. Though its a purely subjective feeling.

  16. Jennifer Ash 3 weeks ago

    Thank you for sharing! I can completely relate. Being Jen is both a part of me and an escape. When I can freely go between my male life and my femme life it helps me feel balanced. It’s taken a number of years for me to finally accept this. Unfortunately, since my secret is no longer a secret, I no longer get to have that release. I’ve lost that sense of balance when forced to be “manly” 24/7. I, too feel like a better version of myself when immersed as Jen. I feel bolder, braver, kinder, and more beautiful when en femme.

    Jen

  17. Terri Knoan 3 weeks ago

    Hi April, Thank you for a very well written heartfelt article.
    You have touched my heart with your words.
    Enjoy April and rejoice.
    -Terri Anne

  18. Feelinfem JOHNSON 2 weeks ago

    Hello I’m new here and am looking forward to meeting you

  19. Tricia Lynn Schmitt 2 weeks ago

    I can relate to how important it is to be able to have that calming escape. Many years ago I went through seriously tumultuous events. I was outsourced from my job of 23 years and divorced shortly thereafter after 22 years of marriage. It felt as if my entire world was crumbling.

    Although Tricia was at that time unnamed, her calming influence helped carry me through that dark period. I really don’t know if I could have made it with my sanity intact.

    When everything settled down, I really was thankful to have that calming escape of my second self and she even gave me confidence to move forward into my current relationship with my wife. My life is now the best it’s been. The only thing I need to try to overcome is to let my wife know about Tricia someday. But she is still thriving even if hidden!

  20. Brandall Hogue 3 days ago

    You know I am kind of a little guy. I have even gotten smaller lately as I like wearing hot young miss clothing. When i dress the femail in me is more attitude than looks. As a woman I have more power. I have men calling me honey and sweetie and opening doors for me. The same guys that would look down at me as less than their idea of a man.

    So not all men like me but some do and I make them all respect me. I hear a man laugh to me and I confront them. So it has been only African that made fun of me so I know exactly what to say to the in regard to being different and a minority. I also tell them is that most of us sissies have no choice in the matter. Several men have lost their wife over it. I just lost a girl friend of 8 years mydelf. She will say it is because I am the F word or the B word. I was already leaving her before Brandy come out because she is a mean person. On facebook she made friends just so she could use shaming me in front of the as a manipulation too. I could tell the first time she seen me completely dressed that she was going to tell everyone no matter what I did. And it was true. She went on facebook and talked about all she knew and took license wear she didn’t. She talked about me shaving my whole body, leaving a landing strip dow there she talked about me constantly stealing clothes from her4 and that I run arould our neighborhood.in daisy dukes (short shorts for our non American friends. She went on about the gay sex although I had not had any while 5we wore togeher. Our fights got worse and worse. Sometimes the fight takes on a life of its own and although we both wanted to get back together at one time or another we never both wanted it at the same time. But we had issues long before Brandy come out. That is a ver funny story I will tell on my own thread. The on thing we seem to have is our love of being girls. I use the ladies room any place I know for sure there are no children. I dont like to expose children personally but dont hold against others as long as they follow the rules of common decency

    Enjoy your one life girls

  21. Hi April……that was a lovely story about yourself. April sounds like a great girl and I would like to hear more about her new life and adventures! Wishing you all the happiness you can find, sweetie. Go for it girl.

    Lady Veronica

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