Life can be hard – sometimes very hard. Work, health issues, family, personal relationships, especially personal relationships. There have been times that I have been overwhelmed by the course events have taken, and I’ve wished I could escape my own life, if only for awhile.
Over the past two years, my personal life has been swirling around the drain, and I seemingly have little, if any, control over the final outcome. It has left me feeling a bit numb inside, but when I am April – fully and truly, the numbness goes away, if only for a while. I am able to assume the mantle of my alter ego and be free for a while. Free from the worries, free from the personal relationships that are falling apart. Free to just . . . be.
I know, for a lot of girls here, their feminine persona is who they are, not an escape; but for me, April is my escape valve. She is like water to a person dying of thirst. She keeps me alive – and functioning. She allows me a small slice of peace in all the turmoil that is my life, especially at this time.
For many years I had buried April, kept her hidden. For so long I had no real escape. And it almost cost me my life. Now, when I need April to be here I welcome her with open arms; like Linus and his blanket, she brings comfort and peace to me. And the harder life is, the more I need her. Like I need her now. Earlier this year I went away to Esprit for a week with a wonderful friend from CDH, and it couldn’t have come at a more needed time. I was struggling with a myriad of personal issues that threatened to overwhelm me. Esprit gave me one entire week to just be – April – to exist without all the worries and problems; to be a different self, in many ways my better self. For that time I am ever so grateful. I needed so much to “become” April for that week, to lose myself in her, if for no other reason than to keep going until hopefully, one day, the rest of my life comes together, even if only a little.
Recently, I have been isolated from someone I love very much, at least temporarily. I know it’s probably the right thing to do at this time, but it has been very difficult, and often my spirit is low. I am again turning to April to help see me through this tough time, as she has at similar times in the past year or so. Life can be very hard, and a little bit of peace, a little escape, is always a welcome respite.
I know that if April was forced to hide again I would be in a bad place. A very bad place. But I will not let that happen. I did before and it was not good. April is here to stay. And every time April is here I learn something about myself, and what truly makes me happy.
One day, in the future, I will get a handle on my life and I can be April on occasion just because it is wonderful to be her, not only because I need her to survive. But until that day comes, I am simply glad she is around to keep me sane and whole.