Life can be hard – sometimes very hard. Work, health issues, family, personal relationships, especially personal relationships. There have been times that I have been overwhelmed by the course events have taken, and I’ve wished I could escape my own life, if only for awhile.
Over the past two years, my personal life has been swirling around the drain, and I seemingly have little, if any, control over the final outcome. It has left me feeling a bit numb inside, but when I am April – fully and truly, the numbness goes away, if only for a while. I am able to assume the mantle of my alter ego and be free for a while. Free from the worries, free from the personal relationships that are falling apart. Free to just . . . be.
I know, for a lot of girls here, their feminine persona is who they are, not an escape; but for me, April is my escape valve. She is like water to a person dying of thirst. She keeps me alive – and functioning. She allows me a small slice of peace in all the turmoil that is my life, especially at this time.
For many years I had buried April, kept her hidden. For so long I had no real escape. And it almost cost me my life. Now, when I need April to be here I welcome her with open arms; like Linus and his blanket, she brings comfort and peace to me. And the harder life is, the more I need her. Like I need her now. Earlier this year I went away to Esprit for a week with a wonderful friend from CDH, and it couldn’t have come at a more needed time. I was struggling with a myriad of personal issues that threatened to overwhelm me. Esprit gave me one entire week to just be – April – to exist without all the worries and problems; to be a different self, in many ways my better self. For that time I am ever so grateful. I needed so much to “become” April for that week, to lose myself in her, if for no other reason than to keep going until hopefully, one day, the rest of my life comes together, even if only a little.
Recently, I have been isolated from someone I love very much, at least temporarily. I know it’s probably the right thing to do at this time, but it has been very difficult, and often my spirit is low. I am again turning to April to help see me through this tough time, as she has at similar times in the past year or so. Life can be very hard, and a little bit of peace, a little escape, is always a welcome respite.
I know that if April was forced to hide again I would be in a bad place. A very bad place. But I will not let that happen. I did before and it was not good. April is here to stay. And every time April is here I learn something about myself, and what truly makes me happy.
One day, in the future, I will get a handle on my life and I can be April on occasion just because it is wonderful to be her, not only because I need her to survive. But until that day comes, I am simply glad she is around to keep me sane and whole.
More Articles by April (Pacific Princess)
- 6 Years On……..
- Enjoying What We DO Have
- Why Do We Do What We Do?
- Finding Your Way
- Musings on Depression….and Life
Thank you April for sharing your innermost feelings … It has helped me and I am sure it will touch other beautiful ladies who embrace CDH.
You have a special “gift with the pen". Thank you…….Leonara
Hey Pacific Princess! What a great article! That was indeed a magical week at Esprit-one which I will never forget and a trip I look forward to making again in 2018! Even though our journeys are somewhat different , I DO see Cyn as an escape in some ways too ‘( though for me it MAY be that it eventually becomes a more permanent escape than it is for you ! Though I am not yet certain of that yet). But in the meantime, i will enjoy the journey even without knowing the final destination and I certainly enjoy the… Read more »
April, thanks for sharing that with us. It’s nicely written.
Being in touch with your feminine side to such an extent changes so much about how we perceive and interact with the world. Personally I feel that we become more thoughtful, sensitive, caring, loving and so much more. If only more men discovered that experience for themsleves, perhaps we would be living in a better world. The main thing for you is that you found April and it keeps your life in balance xxx
Hi April! Your is a beautiful story…..thank you so much for sharing with us.
Lady Veronica
April, you have so beautifully elucidated the feelings some of us have had. Long before I accepted (and named) Jane, I found great calm in becoming her. I found an inner peace I didn’t know could exist. Yes, it was offset by the shame I felt, especially the contradiction that what gave me peace and calm also incited shame. Then I married and was able to suppress my crossdressing for almost ten years before the pressures of life saw Jane return, with something of a vengeance. A counsellor once told me that crossdressing is my ‘safe place’, somewhere I can… Read more »
Thanks April for such an open and lovely description of how it is for you. I hope that the rest of your life can soon be as peaceful as it is when April is around.
Masie xx
April,
The struggle to be complete is truly a challenge worth enduring. Your truth is yours to embrace and is certainly a release from the pressures of life that can drag us down. And the isolation from a loved one can certainly amplify that struggle. Your name is synonymous with a month where showers bring forth flowers. So just as showers come and go, so too can you be complete in knowing that it is part of the wonderful rhythm of life that brings beauty and joy to a world that can be so drab.
Cloé
Wow. And yes too.
Yes to that lifesaver within us. A guardian angel protecting our sanity when we let them hold our drab place in the world with their softness.
Thanks for sharing April.
Thank you April for a wonderful, well written and very personal essay about a subject I know many of us recognise. Also for me being Marianne often has provided an escape from overwhelming pressure and a way of recuperation after long days of intense work, especially since I was diagnosed with Parkinson’s five years ago. But I’ve also come to realise that Marianne is who I truly am and while I am currently trying to find out how to deal with that she’s gettin more and more visible in my daily life.
Thank you April for expressing your feelings. I have struggled with my femme side throughout my life. When I finally realized that this part of me was not going away I began to find peace. My keyword in my life is Balance. I love my family very much, but I love being Terri too. Finding that balance is difficult but it is possible.