Life can be hard – sometimes very hard. Work, health issues, family, personal relationships, especially personal relationships. There have been times that I have been overwhelmed by the course events have taken, and I’ve wished I could escape my own life, if only for awhile.
Over the past two years, my personal life has been swirling around the drain, and I seemingly have little, if any, control over the final outcome. It has left me feeling a bit numb inside, but when I am April – fully and truly, the numbness goes away, if only for a while. I am able to assume the mantle of my alter ego and be free for a while. Free from the worries, free from the personal relationships that are falling apart. Free to just . . . be.
I know, for a lot of girls here, their feminine persona is who they are, not an escape; but for me, April is my escape valve. She is like water to a person dying of thirst. She keeps me alive – and functioning. She allows me a small slice of peace in all the turmoil that is my life, especially at this time.
For many years I had buried April, kept her hidden. For so long I had no real escape. And it almost cost me my life. Now, when I need April to be here I welcome her with open arms; like Linus and his blanket, she brings comfort and peace to me. And the harder life is, the more I need her. Like I need her now. Earlier this year I went away to Esprit for a week with a wonderful friend from CDH, and it couldn’t have come at a more needed time. I was struggling with a myriad of personal issues that threatened to overwhelm me. Esprit gave me one entire week to just be – April – to exist without all the worries and problems; to be a different self, in many ways my better self. For that time I am ever so grateful. I needed so much to “become” April for that week, to lose myself in her, if for no other reason than to keep going until hopefully, one day, the rest of my life comes together, even if only a little.
Recently, I have been isolated from someone I love very much, at least temporarily. I know it’s probably the right thing to do at this time, but it has been very difficult, and often my spirit is low. I am again turning to April to help see me through this tough time, as she has at similar times in the past year or so. Life can be very hard, and a little bit of peace, a little escape, is always a welcome respite.
I know that if April was forced to hide again I would be in a bad place. A very bad place. But I will not let that happen. I did before and it was not good. April is here to stay. And every time April is here I learn something about myself, and what truly makes me happy.
One day, in the future, I will get a handle on my life and I can be April on occasion just because it is wonderful to be her, not only because I need her to survive. But until that day comes, I am simply glad she is around to keep me sane and whole.
More Articles by April (Pacific Princess)
- 6 Years On……..
- Enjoying What We DO Have
- Why Do We Do What We Do?
- Finding Your Way
- Musings on Depression….and Life
Thanks for sharing April.
Wishing all the best for you hun.
Hugs,
Sammy
I wish for you all the happiness and peace the world has to offer, April. Thanks for sharing.
You express yourself beautifully.
Chrissie
April this article is very touching and well said to describe your inner feelings and love for April. To me it sounds as though you are of all knowing whats best for your sanity and well being. Hold onto that love and follow your heart, you can’t go wrong when you do! Confucius once quoted “Be it day’s weeks or years, when the pupil is ready the teacher appears." I think you are aware of who your teacher is, follow her path, your instincts and journey on, she is waiting for you…. I loved your article, you should be a… Read more »
I have to confess and say my female persona also provides me with an escape from my own troubles. I was really touched by your nicely written post. I don’t really have a name even if the chat group I was on, was kind and welcoming enough to suggest Alex as a name. I’m going through much the same. I have purged myself before in the past and I’m just sad to say I’m nowhere near a better human than I am when I embrace crossdressing and my nylon fetish. I write this, in a super cute high waist pencil… Read more »
Hon – I do embrace April, and I totally understand the feelings of wanting to feel pretty and pampered. It’s reassuring to know there are other girls out there who feel as I do. I am glad you are finding your way at a much younger age than I did. It took me 58 years to come to terms with who I am and to give April her name. You will find yours eventually.
Hugs,
April
I don’t even know if its the feeling/desire or if its the affect of de-stressing and actually taking time out for oneself that is the most dominant? I guess I’m still working it out. Yeah at 25, I guess I’m further down the road to a lot of members on here. Its sad really because when I think back to my pain/suffering/challenges. To deal with that for so many years…boggles my mind. This community helped me realise that I’m not alone and its probably pretty common, its just we don’t hear about it because its not considered socially acceptable for… Read more »
Hi stillworkingitout ohboy, trying to find your femme name? Here is a suggestion (if possible). Before my mom passed away a few years ago, I asked her for a femme name; what would she have called me if I was born a girl? She said Krista without blinking. So that’s my name and I love it. Good Luck on your journey.
Hugs, Krista
Thank you for sharing! I can completely relate. Being Jen is both a part of me and an escape. When I can freely go between my male life and my femme life it helps me feel balanced. It’s taken a number of years for me to finally accept this. Unfortunately, since my secret is no longer a secret, I no longer get to have that release. I’ve lost that sense of balance when forced to be “manly" 24/7. I, too feel like a better version of myself when immersed as Jen. I feel bolder, braver, kinder, and more beautiful when… Read more »
That is ok, I can totally understand!
Hi April, Thank you for a very well written heartfelt article.
You have touched my heart with your words.
Enjoy April and rejoice.
-Terri Anne
Hello I’m new here and am looking forward to meeting you
I can relate to how important it is to be able to have that calming escape. Many years ago I went through seriously tumultuous events. I was outsourced from my job of 23 years and divorced shortly thereafter after 22 years of marriage. It felt as if my entire world was crumbling. Although Tricia was at that time unnamed, her calming influence helped carry me through that dark period. I really don’t know if I could have made it with my sanity intact. When everything settled down, I really was thankful to have that calming escape of my second self… Read more »
You know I am kind of a little guy. I have even gotten smaller lately as I like wearing hot young miss clothing. When i dress the femail in me is more attitude than looks. As a woman I have more power. I have men calling me honey and sweetie and opening doors for me. The same guys that would look down at me as less than their idea of a man. So not all men like me but some do and I make them all respect me. I hear a man laugh to me and I confront them. So… Read more »
Hi April……that was a lovely story about yourself. April sounds like a great girl and I would like to hear more about her new life and adventures! Wishing you all the happiness you can find, sweetie. Go for it girl.
Lady Veronica