So I’m a long time crossdresser who has decided to come out to his wife after 23 years of marriage. So why now you might ask. There are two reasons, the first being me going through a health scare which caused me to accept my mortality and the second being that I retired early and now have the time I never had to explore being Carole. Prior to that Carole was only able to come out on a very sporadic basis.
As a result of my renewed desire to be Carole I have gotten a therapist and also have explored CDH to a much greater degree than when I joined a while back. I have made some great friends for which one has become a closer friend than most of my male persona friends I have known in person for decades. I am able to share who I am with her and she has been so great with her friendship, her ear to listen to me and her advice and counsel. Other friends on CDH have been so kind and caring, the network is unbelievable! Then add the Chat feature where you can talk to so many girls that share their experiences, dreams and advice. We even had an online bachelorette party for one of the girls one time! To all of my friends, whether I talk to you everyday or once in a while, thank you from the bottom of my heart. Lastly the articles and forums provide an unfathomable amount of information. I never realized what was at my fingertips until I needed it Thank you to all of those that make CDH what it is!
My fourth visit to my therapist is in a few days. I had gone to her for one visit a few years ago and told her it was all about work stress and that I needed her help but bailed on going to see her after my wife saw the remaining bill from our insurance company. So going back to her, she was ready to follow up on the stress conversation until a few minutes in I blurted out that I was a crossdresser. I remember thinking as she was talking to me, should I tell her or not tell her but I am so glad that I did. Through our conversations I have discovered a few things.
The first being that I have had deep feelings of being ashamed and embarrassed of my other which resulted in me being aggressive in other behaviors such as being more masculine, not showing my feelings, and being right in everything. Being right meant that I would debate with my wife as I had to be right on any issue small or large. I now realize that it was my insecurities about who I was that caused me to over compensate. This led to me writing an apology letter to her and to also do it in person. I cried writing the note as I felt so bad but also because it was such a release of my feelings. The second revelation is that I realized that I have been alone my whole life with regards to being Carole but that meant I could never share my whole self with anyone I had to hide and not let people know that feminine side of me. The realization of the weight of carrying that secret of mine finally came to light. It was immense once I reflected on its toll it had taken on me.
So that brings me to today. My plan is to tell my wife about me and about that other side of me in the next 45 or so days. My therapist has been very helpful with helping me plan it out. Maybe not plan but more so to put some structure around it. Everyone’s situation is different so you don’t know what the reaction will be. My normal type of person wants to follow a playbook that will lead to success. That’s not me anymore though. Everything can’t be planned out. I’m going to tell her, I owe her that much and then she can make the decision. The advice from those that have done it is the same…go slow, communicate and give her time. All of which is great advice!
I’m more scared than anytime in my whole life. My life will change for sure and it could be changed quite dramatically. However, in the end, my hope is the value of the weight being off my back will offset the pain I will cause. When we’ve had “The Talk” and when that conversation is over, my hope is my wife and I will be in better places … hopefully together!
Wish me luck ☘️ Sincerely, Carole
- Have you had “The Talk” with your wife and how did it go?
- Did your wife have a pile of questions after you detailed your thrill of cross dressing dating back to when you were a young boy?
- When you had “The Talk” with your wife, did you tell her everything or hold back some information and if so, what didn’t you tell her?
Thank you girls so very much for taking the time to read my article and please take a moment to leave a response to my article or to one or more of the questions I’ve posed to you above.
Hi Carole,
Good Luck to you and I hope that “The Talk” goes well for you.
I appreciate your sharing your story with us as we have all been in your heels at one time or another. I wish you all the best in the future.
Keep us posted.
Hugs, Jillian
Jillian
You are an example of why I love CDH….you could have said nothing but were kind enough to wish me good thoughts! Thank you gf!
Carole,
I wish the best for you and your wife as you share Carole with her. My wife has known throughout our marriage, but it is had it’s ebbs and flows. We’re at a point now where it’s just the two of us and we’re in a good place with Natalie. Fortunately my wife has grown to appreciate what Natalie brings out in me and into our relationship. Lots of hugs and I hope all goes well!!
Natalie
Thanks for your comments!
What you have is exactly what I hope to have …how long did it take her to get there and was there anything you did or say that helped her realize that ?
Carole – it has been an evolving process. I told her about wanting to cross dress before we got married. She actually was curious and we talked about it on and off. My “collection” was only a few pieces and no wig or makeup. When kids came all bets were off, at least for a few years. I would bring it up, but it was never the right time to start again. So it wasn’t until we had problems that she was willing to talk about it again. She realized that it was an integral part of me and actually… Read more »
Like you, Natalie, I made my wife aware of Dawn shortly after we got married. Unfortunately, my wife resents me. She feels like I’m stealing her husband & refers to me as a “bitch". Best of luck, Carole.
Dawn its a shame she doesn’t realize that she fell in love with the person who has both sides. My guess it’s very hard for girls like us that want to transition versus where I am where I want to be able to express both sides. I don’t think mine will be much easier but I can tell her I don’t want to transition. Hopefully with time and knowledge she will understand and accept Carole. Who knows. Some days I feel good about some days I ask myself what am I doing. You’ve been a good friend and I thank… Read more »
I feel ya!
Hi Carole Thank you for sharing your story You are right, being connected to people in our community is so special. We all have so much in common. Being able to share your feelings without any concerns of safety. So many of us have a therapist that help us navigate something we did not ask for but have to learn this is just apart of us that needs attention also. I truly hope al goes well with your wife. I guess it is up to her how she handles it.That can be a little scary when you are accustomed to… Read more »
Steph. Thanks for your comments. Much wisdom in them. My logic in telling her was that I don’t want her to find out by finding my things. She fell in love with me and part of me is Carole so my hope is she realizes that. You are correct in your assumptions…I just want to express the Carole side of me. I don’t know exactly how much but I want to stay married and be with her
After hiding away for so many years Carole, I congratulate you on your decision to tell your wife. It is a very brave step and I am sure everyone here will give you all the support you need. I truly hope that she accepts your choices as my wife has, as you will be a better person without the guilt that you can feel.
Marie x
Marie
Your comment about being a better person with the guilt off my back is clearly a benefit for I believe will be bigger than I can imagine. With it comes the grief I will cause my wife and I struggle with that. I’ve always been the pleaser. My hope in the long run that my wife will see that it makes me a better person even for her . Thank you for your note and well wishes…I will need them!
Carole
Hi Carole, Very thought provoking article. I will be waiting to find out how things go with your wife, and wish you all the luck in the world. I felt very much alone in my first marriage, which eventually ended primarily as a result of my wife not being able to deal with my crossdressing at all. After we split I vowed I would not make the same mistake of hiding my crossdressing, so on our second data I told my now current wife (we have been together for almost 20 years now) about Rikki. She has been much more… Read more »
Rikki
If I could turn back time as Cher sings I would have told her early on before we got married but that didn’t happen so here I am. My hope is my wife can evolve to where your second wife is. I’m scared though and still almost everyday rethink my decision to tell her. I’ve been ending up in the same place I need to tell her. Thanks so much…please keep those fingers crossed and thank you for the friend request!
Carole
I think it takes real courage to confront the situation and deal with it. I wish I had your bravery. Will be hoping for the best outcome for you. And I will be with you at every step.
Michelle
GF…you are the best. I know I will need every prayer, every wish of luck and whatever anyone else can throw in. I’m scared. Brave would have been telling her first thing. I feel I owe this to her…to not get surprised, to make decision stay or go maybe. It will kill me if she decides to go but she is a wonderful woman…best I’ve known so I feel I should do it. Thank you for being there already and for being there ahead!
carole
Hi and wow now that you can dress up in front of wife and be excepted as Carole. you are so lucky to have a wife to except your CDing and let you be your self and free. you look great. wish you all the happiness. Lucinda
Lucinda
Thanks for your note. I’m not there yet. Planning in telling her next month. I wanted to share my thoughts as I contemplate/ plan on telling her.
Carole
Good luck with telling your wife. I told my wife 40 years ago. We will be married 50 years next month. Needless to say my wife was shocked when I told her. Every marriage is different. Balance is the keyword in my life.
Teri First thank you for your note and well wishes. The consensus is tell her as early as you can and boy…well maybe girl that is so right! I wish I would have but I was at the point that I thought it would go away or I could hide it. There was no resource that I knew that I could have gotten the advice and counsel like I have from CDH. So I am at a much different place and I have to thank CHD, my friends here and for sure my therapist. She has been nothing short of… Read more »
Every marriage is different. Some wives are happy their husbands told them. Some feel betrayed. Some are so shocked that they end the marriage. For me its all about Balance. My family always comes first. I love being a grandfather, but I also love getting my hair done and go shopping in the mall. I know that Terri will always be part of me. If I had known that I would have told my wife before we married. But I think if I had she wouldn’t have married me.
I totally agree on the balance. What makes me feel a little better is that I don’t want to transition. My heart goes out to those that do. I think my situation is a challenge theirs is much more.
I agree. I am not one for surgery or hormones. I sometimes dream that if my family situation was different, I would get implants and live as a woman. But I love my family. Holding my grandchildren in my arms is wonderful. But also is getting my hair done and going out is too. Good luck.
Yours Terri
Hey Carole.
Not easy laying it all out but I hope that your writing this article has added a bit more confidence to what you are planning to do. As many have already said, we are all here for you. Good Luck to you.
Sarah
Sarah
Thank you so much fir your reply. I’ve appreciated our friendship again just showing how good CDH is. Writing the article has helped and hearing from everyone has to even of it’s about a bad result from telling their wife. That’s a possible outcome I need to be ready for. Again hugs gf…thank you!
Carole, thank you for writing a thought provoking article that many of us ladies can relate… about five years ago my “talk” with my wife was precipitated due to her coming home early and met Leonara for the first time… I was a deer in lights..many questions: gay no… seek therapy; little did I know when I was careless, she was relieved that she saw lipstick on a coffee cup was another woman! Kathy continues to process her husband’s revelation…and requests if and when I express my feminine side, she is not home… “don’t ask don’t tell” is our compromise…… Read more »