So I’m a long time crossdresser who has decided to come out to his wife after 23 years of marriage. So why now you might ask. There are two reasons, the first being me going through a health scare which caused me to accept my mortality and the second being that I retired early and now have the time I never had to explore being Carole. Prior to that Carole was only able to come out on a very sporadic basis.
As a result of my renewed desire to be Carole I have gotten a therapist and also have explored CDH to a much greater degree than when I joined a while back. I have made some great friends for which one has become a closer friend than most of my male persona friends I have known in person for decades. I am able to share who I am with her and she has been so great with her friendship, her ear to listen to me and her advice and counsel. Other friends on CDH have been so kind and caring, the network is unbelievable! Then add the Chat feature where you can talk to so many girls that share their experiences, dreams and advice. We even had an online bachelorette party for one of the girls one time! To all of my friends, whether I talk to you everyday or once in a while, thank you from the bottom of my heart. Lastly the articles and forums provide an unfathomable amount of information. I never realized what was at my fingertips until I needed it Thank you to all of those that make CDH what it is!
My fourth visit to my therapist is in a few days. I had gone to her for one visit a few years ago and told her it was all about work stress and that I needed her help but bailed on going to see her after my wife saw the remaining bill from our insurance company. So going back to her, she was ready to follow up on the stress conversation until a few minutes in I blurted out that I was a crossdresser. I remember thinking as she was talking to me, should I tell her or not tell her but I am so glad that I did. Through our conversations I have discovered a few things.
The first being that I have had deep feelings of being ashamed and embarrassed of my other which resulted in me being aggressive in other behaviors such as being more masculine, not showing my feelings, and being right in everything. Being right meant that I would debate with my wife as I had to be right on any issue small or large. I now realize that it was my insecurities about who I was that caused me to over compensate. This led to me writing an apology letter to her and to also do it in person. I cried writing the note as I felt so bad but also because it was such a release of my feelings. The second revelation is that I realized that I have been alone my whole life with regards to being Carole but that meant I could never share my whole self with anyone I had to hide and not let people know that feminine side of me. The realization of the weight of carrying that secret of mine finally came to light. It was immense once I reflected on its toll it had taken on me.
So that brings me to today. My plan is to tell my wife about me and about that other side of me in the next 45 or so days. My therapist has been very helpful with helping me plan it out. Maybe not plan but more so to put some structure around it. Everyone’s situation is different so you don’t know what the reaction will be. My normal type of person wants to follow a playbook that will lead to success. That’s not me anymore though. Everything can’t be planned out. I’m going to tell her, I owe her that much and then she can make the decision. The advice from those that have done it is the same…go slow, communicate and give her time. All of which is great advice!
I’m more scared than anytime in my whole life. My life will change for sure and it could be changed quite dramatically. However, in the end, my hope is the value of the weight being off my back will offset the pain I will cause. When we’ve had “The Talk” and when that conversation is over, my hope is my wife and I will be in better places … hopefully together!
Wish me luck ☘️ Sincerely, Carole
- Have you had “The Talk” with your wife and how did it go?
- Did your wife have a pile of questions after you detailed your thrill of cross dressing dating back to when you were a young boy?
- When you had “The Talk” with your wife, did you tell her everything or hold back some information and if so, what didn’t you tell her?
Thank you girls so very much for taking the time to read my article and please take a moment to leave a response to my article or to one or more of the questions I’ve posed to you above.
I had “the talk” with my wife over 15 years ago. She knew prior to that day that I liked to wear women’s clothing but had no idea just how much I love and needed to. Fortunately, “the talk” went well for me and she does allow me to dress but she has her rules. The big rule is: I can’t leave the house. Still my life is so much better without having to hide everything from her. We even go shopping together (I am in drab) quite often. I hope your talk goes well to. Carolyn
Carolyn
Thank you so much for your positive thoughts. I hope mine goes the same as you. One of the things I wish to do is to go to SCC in 21 That is my dream and my hope is that it can happen. She knows nothing that I know so I don’t know how it will go
Hello, I had a similar situation with my wife. After eight years of marriage I decided to tell her on the Interstate. I told her and even thought she might accept it. It didn’t happen she cheated on me and used my crossdresding as an excuse to divorce me. It was a crushing blow and she took it a step forward by telling her boyfriend and telling several people who knew me. I was embarrassed and left town a few months later. We should be truthful but, its very scary.
Tiffany
Im sorry that happened to you. Your story is real and as much as I like hearing the good stories I could be in for a rough road. That scares me but I’m going to hope for the best. My thoughts are if she treated you like that then you’re probably best off without her. I understand getting very mad and breaking up but where is her empathy. I wish you many positive things for your future
Carole, I hope and pray your telling your wife will go well. We can tell how much you love her and care for her, and you just need to be able to express that. This disclosure has the potential of allowing you two to get closer than you have ever been, since now your secret won’t be getting on the way. Like we have talked about, friendships in the “every day world" are unlikely to be as close as we would wish they could be, again because those friends are not aware of a very important part of who we… Read more »
Gaby
Girl. I wish I had your fashion sense gosh I love your picture. Is most of it from our favorite store? Thank you fir your kind comments. My hope is as exactly as you suggested…that it helps us get even closer. Fingers crossed!
Hugs
carole
Best wishes Carole, Inhale, Exhale. You can do this and if she really loves you this will all work out. Your sister’s love during this very stressful period/ XO Nicole
Nicole. I thank all of my sisters at CDH…the support that been overwhelming! Thank you!
Hi Carole. You look fab by the way, we have a similar style in clothes I think. I came out to my wife just over 13 months ago. She supports me although has said she would rather it didn’t happen. She does realise though it’s been lifelong and things will never go back to what they were. I too, was consigned to the house bit bit by bit and with the support of another trans friend, I have been going out and about since April. My trans friend is in the same position as me as she has a wife… Read more »
Carla
Your message is so sweet and kind in your well wishes for me. I love your story in that I know it will be difficult for my wife but my hope over time is that she sees that she gets a better husband who has two sides that we can both enjoy! Please tell me about your trip to Pride with the four of you !
hugs
carole
Hi Carole. I came out to my wife a year ago this November. I started slowly, showing interest in woman’s clothes. I showed her a few photos of me as Susan. At first she feared that I was going to as she put it go Bruce Jenner on her. I convinced her that I am the same person, just with a different type of hobby. I was very lucky. It couldn’t have gone better for me. She is very understanding and accepting. Now we go out together once in a while with me as Susan. No I didn’t tell her… Read more »
Susan. Thank you for your note my hope is that I just get her to accept me…going out together will likely never happen but I’ll never say never. I like to hear the positive stories. It gives me hope! Do you have any sense on why she accepted it?
hi, its a story a lot of us have lived in. I told my wife a couple of years ago, it didnt go well at the time and I thought it would be the end of our then 26 years of marriage. We have had a lot of issues and we are working through them together with a therapist, I still find it difficult to be completely open in our sessions but I understand that its the only way forward. I hope in my heart of hearts that this will go good for you, you need to do it in… Read more »
Helene
i am learning so much from everyone that shares their story…thank you! I’m sorry it didn’t work out as well as it did though you seem to be working through it. I had a health scare plus retired early and became hugely aware of my mortality. I don’t want to have regrets when it comes to Carole so I’m telling her. I agree with your closing point totally. My hope is that my wife realizes that Carole is part of the one she loves.
Carole, as everyone’s situation is different, I obviously have no idea how it will go. The only advice I will give you is that, once you have had “the talk", be sure to KEEP TALKING. I made the mistake of backing off to let my wife absorb the information and revisit it at her own pace.. instead of prompting her to talk to me, ask questions, etc. She went to the internet looking for information and only found stuff that reinforced her fears and worries, until she completely shut down again. Be gentle, be loving, be kind, but do EVERYTHING… Read more »
Angie Thanks for sharing your thoughts. You are so right about everyone is different, at first I wanted to create a plan off how someone did it and realized that I couldn’t do that. What I could do is pick out those critical things that I need to make sure I do when I tell her and you brought up some good ones. I’ve heard that from others to keep talking but I like your idea of prompting it. Your kindness shows through with your words and it’s so appreciated and heart warming. Thank you so much. I hope you… Read more »
Thank you for posting this article – and good luck. It was a timely reminder for me of the care that needs to be taken, the ‘go slow’ and allow time, in particular, when telling others in our lives about our feminine side. I’m on the cusp of some important conversations as well. Not sure when exactly but I know that they are going to happen – and not too long from now. It helped me to read this.
Martha
Thank you for letting me know that it helped. I’ve been struggling with accepting myself and my therapist helped me a lot. So I wanted to share my thoughts with the hope it would help others. If you ever want to talk let me know.The journey can be daunting .
hugs
carole
Carol, I am very hopeful that all goes well for you. I am the S.O (Well the ex S.O),of a crossdresser. I can honestly say that the two of you are going to have to be understanding and patient with each other. I know that most crossdressers are misunderstood, so you (general)know what it’s like to be made to feel inferior. The situation was not something that we dealt with properly. Sadly we went from being spouses, and best friends, to being roommates, (for now) and we are constantly walking on eggshells for fear of an argument. It’s horrible. It’s… Read more »
Lorie Thank you so much for responding. Omg I’m so sorry to hear what’s happening with your relationship. When you say you didn’t handle it properly can you give me some insight? Also does he want to transition? I like both sides of me so my hope is she will eventually accept it in some manner. I know it’s a lot to ask. Frankly I’m scared but I know that it is the right thing to do in telling her versus she finding out. At least I hope so. Any insight on what you or he should have done different… Read more »
Well I answered alot of this in my other comment but I will tell you that insecurities,and indiscretions cause major damage. You both need to respect the other in the fact that while this is something you are used to, and more comfortable with, she is new to the whole thing, and unfortunetly the first thing that occurs,is we mistake the excitement that may be felt for wanting to be without us or for maybe wanting someone else as well. We are creatures of habit,and very selfish ones at that. We don’t even come close to liking the fact of… Read more »