So I’m a long time crossdresser who has decided to come out to his wife after 23 years of marriage. So why now you might ask. There are two reasons, the first being me going through a health scare which caused me to accept my mortality and the second being that I retired early and now have the time I never had to explore being Carole. Prior to that Carole was only able to come out on a very sporadic basis.
As a result of my renewed desire to be Carole I have gotten a therapist and also have explored CDH to a much greater degree than when I joined a while back. I have made some great friends for which one has become a closer friend than most of my male persona friends I have known in person for decades. I am able to share who I am with her and she has been so great with her friendship, her ear to listen to me and her advice and counsel. Other friends on CDH have been so kind and caring, the network is unbelievable! Then add the Chat feature where you can talk to so many girls that share their experiences, dreams and advice. We even had an online bachelorette party for one of the girls one time! To all of my friends, whether I talk to you everyday or once in a while, thank you from the bottom of my heart. Lastly the articles and forums provide an unfathomable amount of information. I never realized what was at my fingertips until I needed it Thank you to all of those that make CDH what it is!
My fourth visit to my therapist is in a few days. I had gone to her for one visit a few years ago and told her it was all about work stress and that I needed her help but bailed on going to see her after my wife saw the remaining bill from our insurance company. So going back to her, she was ready to follow up on the stress conversation until a few minutes in I blurted out that I was a crossdresser. I remember thinking as she was talking to me, should I tell her or not tell her but I am so glad that I did. Through our conversations I have discovered a few things.
The first being that I have had deep feelings of being ashamed and embarrassed of my other which resulted in me being aggressive in other behaviors such as being more masculine, not showing my feelings, and being right in everything. Being right meant that I would debate with my wife as I had to be right on any issue small or large. I now realize that it was my insecurities about who I was that caused me to over compensate. This led to me writing an apology letter to her and to also do it in person. I cried writing the note as I felt so bad but also because it was such a release of my feelings. The second revelation is that I realized that I have been alone my whole life with regards to being Carole but that meant I could never share my whole self with anyone I had to hide and not let people know that feminine side of me. The realization of the weight of carrying that secret of mine finally came to light. It was immense once I reflected on its toll it had taken on me.
So that brings me to today. My plan is to tell my wife about me and about that other side of me in the next 45 or so days. My therapist has been very helpful with helping me plan it out. Maybe not plan but more so to put some structure around it. Everyone’s situation is different so you don’t know what the reaction will be. My normal type of person wants to follow a playbook that will lead to success. That’s not me anymore though. Everything can’t be planned out. I’m going to tell her, I owe her that much and then she can make the decision. The advice from those that have done it is the same…go slow, communicate and give her time. All of which is great advice!
I’m more scared than anytime in my whole life. My life will change for sure and it could be changed quite dramatically. However, in the end, my hope is the value of the weight being off my back will offset the pain I will cause. When we’ve had “The Talk” and when that conversation is over, my hope is my wife and I will be in better places … hopefully together!
Wish me luck ☘️ Sincerely, Carole
- Have you had “The Talk” with your wife and how did it go?
- Did your wife have a pile of questions after you detailed your thrill of cross dressing dating back to when you were a young boy?
- When you had “The Talk” with your wife, did you tell her everything or hold back some information and if so, what didn’t you tell her?
Thank you girls so very much for taking the time to read my article and please take a moment to leave a response to my article or to one or more of the questions I’ve posed to you above.
Hi its me again, I wanted to add, I can’t speak for other people, but I can tell you how I felt. I was curious, yet scared . I was skeptical, and hurt,and I wanted reassurance . He became more and more hurt by my actions. (In my defense, I was acting out of fear,and lacking knowledge on that particular part of us.) I ended up being a major part of our failing,and more importantly of him feeling alienated. I beg that if the two of you wish to continue as man and wife, and sometimes woman and wife, that… Read more »
Lorie Thanks for being so engaged as it’s so hard to get the so’s perspective for my type of situation. My therapist is a woman so she will reflect sometimes but it’s great to hear a woman’s perspective on things especially a wife of a cd. I think of many people on this site as friends so I am far from offended in fact honored that you would say that. So I know my wife will be hurting as much as me so I need to make sure I step out of being carol and be with her as the… Read more »
Hi! actually I advise that you remind her ALOT that she means so much to you,and by showing your femme side, you are not showing disregard, or disrespect for her or your marriage. That in itself will mean a lot. You need to be totally honest as well. Both of you!!!! She needs to be able to accept responsibility for any thing she says or does. She needs to be willing to be a part of your life in the aspect of Carol, Carol is a major part of your life, and you love your wife enough to want her… Read more »
Carole – I wish you the very best in speaking about this subject with your wife. It is clear that crossdressing is important to you and hiding it has created dark things that manifest in your day-to-day life. It is good that you are tackling this outright, and I think it is for the better. I’ll answer one of the questions you pose at the end of your article. I have not told my wife and do not intend to. Keeping this aspect of my personality a secret is my decision and I believe a good one. I am not… Read more »
Hey Alexandra
Thank you for reading it and your well wishes. I’m greet everyone is different both in how they wish to do it and where they are on the spectrum. Girl I do not have any idea how you could possibly hide what you do. That another part of it is hiding causes me stress but again to each his own on whether to tell or not. Thanks for reading it. Hugs
carole
Carole,
I have been where you are now. After my divorce, I met a woman that turned out to be my soul mate. I had been cross dressing since I was nine. I never dared to open up my ex, so I took the opportunity at the very beginning of my new relationship to tell her right away. I printed materials related to cross dressing off the internet
Vanessa
Thank you for your suggestion. Do you think you could have some something different with your first wife to have made that work out ? Or any reflection on what you you did wrong ?
Carole, My first wife, ahh, well, she had this thing about always telling the truth…to everybody. I didn’t trust her with my guarded secret because it wouldn’t have been kept just between us. She didn’t do well at keeping marital conversations private. In other words, she didn’t have my back. As you might imagine, this also didn’t help our marriage and it was one of the reasons it ended. I tested her once by asking her to get me panties for when I worked outside in the yard. I told her they were less binding than briefs. She got really… Read more »
Hi Carole, It’s takes a good deal of courage tell your wife of so many years what you have been hiding for so long. There are so many potential outcomes, which I’m sure you have considered and played over in your head. There is no way of knowing what’s ahead till you let the cat out of the bag and once out, no putting it back. I told my wife when I got to the point that I couldn’t stand keeping it from her any longer, it felt like my head would explode! I would have to say it didn’t… Read more »
Kate Thank you so much form your note.I’m getting close to when I planned to tell her and today I became scared and am reconsidering it. Your point of not being able to put it back into the bag scares me. Now to fully disclose I have been scared for the last week and have reconsidered it multiple times and after calmness prevailed I decide to stay the course. You are right I have totally been thinking through all of the possible outcomes. My hope is like you that while it will be difficult that our love for each other… Read more »
Be empathetic, honest, we would talk and then let it lay for a while, sometimes a long while. I was very concerned about how she was feeling, she is very sweet and loving, I felt bad. She felt bad for my struggles, it’s messy. Be ready for a long haul, be patient it’s a lot your asking. We got through it, I felt I didn’t have a choice, if that makes sense. Do you think your wife is completely in the dark?
Kate
Kate i really really appreciate your advice. Being patient seems to be a common theme. My male side is not but my Carole side is much more. Seriously though I will need to focus on that as I hate to see people hurting and just want to solve any problem. My hope is that by telling her it is progress towards something. I hate hiding, I know I will slip and get caught, I want to explore Carole more etc.. It’s driving me nuts. Our wives sound similar as mine is also very sweet and loving. As to you question… Read more »
Carole, Your situation really touched my heart! Telling someone that you know about ‘Carole’ can be a terrifying thing! You always expect the worst, and when I’ve told friends and loved ones about Valerie, I HAVE lost a few. You’ve been with your wife for 23 years, though (that’s so awesome!). That tells me that you love her dearly, and she loves YOU. With THAT kind of time spent together, you know each other extremely well. I would think that when you tell her, she’s very likely to say something like “I kind of suspected". Women are pretty intuitive! If… Read more »
Valerie you are so sweet and kind with your note back…it gives me hope! Women are intuitive so my hope in a strange ways is that she suspects a little … why do I want that …well she’s stuck around and that gives me hope that she will continue to. It’s selfish I know. Your point about making sure that they know that you love them and it has nothing to do with them is important and one I have heard a lot. That’s very helpful as I can emphasize that when we talk so thank you! Your well wishes… Read more »
Hi Carole. Thank you for sharing the most intimate feelings and decisions in your life with us girls here on CDH. You certainly are not alone and thats one of the great things we learn as we explore this site. Good luck to you and your wife and may things work between you two and you both enjoy the rest of your lives together. I came out to my wife over six years ago and one of the first things she said was – “That explains a lot." We talked and she had the usual questions which I answered as… Read more »
Michelle
I really appreciate the note of support and encouragement. I’m getting close to telling her and ever note helps. My hope is that it works out like yours in that she may not like it but allows me to do it. Not having to hide it anymore would be huge and life so much weight off me. Thanks again for your kind note.
hugs
carole
Hey Carole
I hope your days leading up to the reveal have been bearable. You are in my thoughts as the time draws near. Don’t be hard on yourself if it takes longer then you hoped or planned. I kept trying for over a year before it actually happened for me.
It is working out well for me so far. My wife has not asked or shown an interest in meeting Bree yet but she seems fine with me continuing to get on the CDH website and chatting occasionally. Thank you for sharing. Everything will work out fine.
Huggs
Bree
Carole, Last year I came out to my wife again after not dressing for about ten years. I sought out counseling online and that helped me understand that I have to love myself for who I am. I realized that I AM transgender. So when I told her it was “honey” it is different this time. I am transgender and wish I was a woman. She said you can’t transition that it would destroy the family. She is very supportive and we have had fun going out shopping together, I love trying on her clothes as we are the same… Read more »
We all have our own stories of how we told or didn’t tell our spouses. When I was married about 10 years my wife found a piece of paper in my wallet with a woman’s name and a phone #. She said who is Helen? I had told her to take $ from my wallet. I said why are you looking through my wallet? That night in bed I told her about Terri. Shock is putting it mildly of how she reacted. I explained as best I could. We had 3 children at the time. We are now married 50… Read more »
If it means anything you make a really nice looking woman.
When my wife found out that I was a cross dresser it hurt her feelings a lot I just told her I haven’t changed who I am have I ? Iam still the same person that I always was through all these years haven’t I ? I have been a crossdresser since I was 10 she understood what I am she just does not want any one to know though I told her I understood life’s been great ever since then