My sense is that I am not at all alone in having oscillated over time between wanting to be Abby full-time to not wanting to be Abby for a while to everything in between.
My “career” as a transgender person started at age 3 in a summer bungalow colony when a boy, a couple of years older, suggested we polish our nails and I happily agreed. We did it stealthily and were happy as larks until we decided it was time to remove the polish. Despite our scrubbing our nails as hard as we could with soap and water, they would not respond- much to our terror. Finally, we meekly went to our mothers and asked them to please remove the polish. They all had a laugh (at our expense) but they didn’t realize that we had been dead serious.
My early experiences were no different from thousands of others. I had an older sister who aided and abetted me and allowed me to put on makeup with her and her girlfriends. I discovered my mother’s clothing and indulged myself when my parents went out- almost getting caught numerous times.
Years passed as I gained more experience and discovered several support groups. I had told my wife about Abby after 10 years of marriage and 2 kids and she promptly went into total denial. After 15 more years, I re-told her and said I wouldn’t let her “forget” about Abby again. She initially was helpful but soon settled into, at best, grudging and sarcastic tolerance. I was able to be Abby as long as I did it in “moderation” (by her definition). I also was able to go to transgender meetings and conventions.
The most memorable convention was at my initial First Event meeting in 2011. I met a friend who has stayed with me and who is now in the process of transitioning. I left there in a very dense pink fog fully intending to be Abby full time and entered gender therapy with a very experienced gender therapist who was completely in favor of it.
I decided to wait until I went abroad to live for several months and see if wanting to be Abby remained as important to me. With the assistance of my oldest child- a son, who had been accepting of Abby, I came to the conclusion that I was not ready to permanently get rid of my male self, who had accomplished so much and had a full life. I decided then that I was bi-gendered or dual-gendered and that is how I still identify.
At times, I have had some months go by when I don’t think it is worth all the effort it takes to be Abby but that does not last too long before the “rush” to be Abby again is compelling. As of now, I live half my year abroad and have found a friend who allows me to change into Abby at her apartment with the consent of her partner. I go out at least once a week and feel wonderful.
I am wondering just how many others oscillate as well.