Those of you who have read my previous articles already know my story. I’m somewhere between being transgendered and a full-fledged CD. I’m at the point where I don’t separate my two-selves anymore. They’re always both present, whatever I may be wearing. It can be both problematic and humorous. My current options don’t allow me much freedom to dress during the Spring-Fall, thus, no shaved arms or legs, and my perfume use is minimal as is the opportunity to fully be Brina. I’ve adapted and no longer have to ride out the months until winter comes and Brina takes control. It’s because we’ve become one, each giving at times to the other. There are times, however, where I sometimes wish (okay…really want) to be more open and year-round. I’m an introvert by nature, so that’s already one strike. I’m also 6 foot and carrying more weight recently (though I’m going to really work on that this off Brina season), and I love high heels which makes blending in more difficult unless I concede and wear flats.
I’m not going to share the why, but I’m packing up Brina’s things, removing them from a place of prominence to be relegated to boxes and hidden in my dresser drawers amongst the male clothes. At least they are within reach and close by. Some winter items and the extra shoes (if there is such a thing) get put into my storage shed until next December. The big point here is that I adapt to survive and keep moving forward. This would all be easy to do if the “cat was out of the bag.” Not yet, but soon. I still take my current responsibilities seriously and I’m not yet ready to face the music. If it were to happen, then I will wade through it together with Brina. She’s not going anywhere and “Baby’s not going to be put in the corner.”
Ok…back to the topic: My Reflection. Who do you see when you look in the mirror, both dressed and in your male persona? This is an interesting question for me. Is being a CD like being in love; are we in some ways blind to the imperfections? I admit upfront that I don’t like looking at my male self and only do it to shave and brush my hair, maybe check my teeth and lips to make sure the lip-gloss hasn’t left any lingering traces. It’s much easier to look at Brina’s reflection and see more of the positives rather than the negatives, though she’s always pointing out the hair in the ears and the eyebrows that are becoming more difficult to shape as “old man syndrome” is setting in. Tweezers are my best friend…
I look at my legs and see the girly legs I’ve always had, the “man boobs” that I wish would grow a few sizes (but am happy that I have enough to make respectable cleavage), and the eyes that mostly convey tolerance, hope, and understanding versus the way they used to reflect shame, depression, and guilt. I have a computer full of Brina selfies, and none of my male persona. I study those pictures of Brina to see where I need improvement (everywhere!!!) and what I’ve done right (thank God for those legs). I’ve also started to compare Brina to other women I see and I’ve learned that I’m attracted to the type of women who share some of my characteristics…so does that make me a lesbian now? I like women who wear makeup well (office sultry) and aren’t afraid of dressing nice (with a hint of sexuality). I also love women who can accessorize with jewelry and rock a pair of heels. I’m also becoming more attracted to others like me that can pull off femininity…does that make me a mensbian or maybe a transbian? New labels to add to the growing list.
There is a vast collection of pictures posted on our site and across the internet. They range from fetish to those who have transitioned. I’m always amazed when I see the before and after pictures because it gives me hope should I ever walk that path…not saying I will or won’t. It depends on the day of course… and money…lots of it…. It brings me to my final thought. We need to be inclusive and non-judgmental. I’ve walked in some of the other’s shoes, but not all of them. I try to be helpful where I can, offering advice and friendship, which is really hard for an introvert…trust me. You won’t find me in the chat rooms—not my thing. For some, being a crossdresser is playing a part or being able to separate two individual personalities, for others, like me, this is just who we are…or are becoming. My daily desire when I face the reflection is to be more kind—kind to myself and kind to others. It’s the one thing that doesn’t cost money and makes a world of difference.
More Articles by Sabrina (Brina) MacTavish
- It’s a Wonderful (CD) Life
- A Crossdresser Thanksgiving
- Where has My Woman gone?
- To Be or Not (No, it’s to be!)
- Farmer’s Tan