Those of you who have read my previous articles already know my story. I’m somewhere between being transgendered and a full-fledged CD. I’m at the point where I don’t separate my two-selves anymore. They’re always both present, whatever I may be wearing. It can be both problematic and humorous. My current options don’t allow me much freedom to dress during the Spring-Fall, thus, no shaved arms or legs, and my perfume use is minimal as is the opportunity to fully be Brina. I’ve adapted and no longer have to ride out the months until winter comes and Brina takes control. It’s because we’ve become one, each giving at times to the other. There are times, however, where I sometimes wish (okay…really want) to be more open and year-round. I’m an introvert by nature, so that’s already one strike. I’m also 6 foot and carrying more weight recently (though I’m going to really work on that this off Brina season), and I love high heels which makes blending in more difficult unless I concede and wear flats.

I’m not going to share the why, but I’m packing up Brina’s things, removing them from a place of prominence to be relegated to boxes and hidden in my dresser drawers amongst the male clothes. At least they are within reach and close by. Some winter items and the extra shoes (if there is such a thing) get put into my storage shed until next December. The big point here is that I adapt to survive and keep moving forward. This would all be easy to do if the “cat was out of the bag.” Not yet, but soon. I still take my current responsibilities seriously and I’m not yet ready to face the music. If it were to happen, then I will wade through it together with Brina. She’s not going anywhere and “Baby’s not going to be put in the corner.”

Ok…back to the topic: My Reflection. Who do you see when you look in the mirror, both dressed and in your male persona? This is an interesting question for me. Is being a CD like being in love; are we in some ways blind to the imperfections? I admit upfront that I don’t like looking at my male self and only do it to shave and brush my hair, maybe check my teeth and lips to make sure the lip-gloss hasn’t left any lingering traces. It’s much easier to look at Brina’s reflection and see more of the positives rather than the negatives, though she’s always pointing out the hair in the ears and the eyebrows that are becoming more difficult to shape as “old man syndrome” is setting in. Tweezers are my best friend…

I look at my legs and see the girly legs I’ve always had, the “man boobs” that I wish would grow a few sizes (but am happy that I have enough to make respectable cleavage), and the eyes that mostly convey tolerance, hope, and understanding versus the way they used to reflect shame, depression, and guilt. I have a computer full of Brina selfies, and none of my male persona. I study those pictures of Brina to see where I need improvement (everywhere!!!) and what I’ve done right (thank God for those legs). I’ve also started to compare Brina to other women I see and I’ve learned that I’m attracted to the type of women who share some of my characteristics…so does that make me a lesbian now? I like women who wear makeup well (office sultry) and aren’t afraid of dressing nice (with a hint of sexuality). I also love women who can accessorize with jewelry and rock a pair of heels. I’m also becoming more attracted to others like me that can pull off femininity…does that make me a mensbian or maybe a transbian? New labels to add to the growing list.

There is a vast collection of pictures posted on our site and across the internet. They range from fetish to those who have transitioned. I’m always amazed when I see the before and after pictures because it gives me hope should I ever walk that path…not saying I will or won’t. It depends on the day of course… and money…lots of it…. It brings me to my final thought. We need to be inclusive and non-judgmental. I’ve walked in some of the other’s shoes, but not all of them. I try to be helpful where I can, offering advice and friendship, which is really hard for an introvert…trust me. You won’t find me in the chat rooms—not my thing. For some, being a crossdresser is playing a part or being able to separate two individual personalities, for others, like me, this is just who we are…or are becoming. My daily desire when I face the reflection is to be more kind—kind to myself and kind to others. It’s the one thing that doesn’t cost money and makes a world of difference.

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31 Comments
  1. tina Smith 1 year ago

    Lovely article Brina,
    Fortunately I am able to live as Tina at night…but only at night. I only do make-up on
    fri and sat. It’s easier that way. I haven’t come out to my family or friends as well. But I am happy to be me.When I get “pretty” as I call it I feel fullfilled…complete…and of course beautiful. Wishing you only the best in journey as we become one with ourselves.
    Tina

  2. Brina, We have talked a little before but you are so so much like me or I am so so much like you. I am not as introverted but almost every other aspect is the same. I am lucky I have started to come out of my shell because my wife has found out now. That is a long other story but it is so great to hear someone say exactly what I want to say. Thank you so much for this article it makes me feel so much more at ease with myself, knowing I am not that odd. (It maybe the mid west too, I was raised in Nebraska and live in Missouri. : ) )
    Sara Marie

    • Author

      Sara Marie,

      Thanks for your insights and responding. You might not realize I’m introverted if you see me out and about. I’m a good public speaker and president of my service club for the last 3 years. My occupations have always put me in front of people, but once home, I’m done. Knowing this about myself is why I do some of the things I do, because otherwise, I’d never venture out. I also know, that when I do as Brina, it will be the start of something I won’t be able to stop. I’ve been out before and attended a Tri Ess group several miles away. There aren’t close options for me, though, I doubt I’d be recognized, but it only takes once.

      I’m not sure what I am, but I now know who I am. I don’t try to be one or the other. Some days, I’m grateful to be male and other days I want to see real breasts filling my bra and have my ears pierced and to never have to use a razor on my entire body ever again…. If I’d had this technology and information available when I was 20, I would have made other choices for how my life would have evolved. It’s never too late, but everything comes with a cost and there are some price tags that are too expensive.

      I appreciate your thoughts and comments 🙂

      Thanks,
      Brina

      • This is so strange I would say exactly what you said in your last paragraph. I will never be Sara full time in my future but I am Sara everyday since i feel i am and always have been Sara. I am very happy to have a guiding star as yourself though we may never meet you will always be an inspiration to and for me. Thank you again.
        Sara

  3. Cdlovesgood Lopez 1 year ago

    Hello hun your very beautiful dressed up if you were closer I’d ask if I can buy you dinner go on a date. Your a Queen Brina a beauty form heaven God blessed you with good looks and very nice body and sexy legs ummm

  4. Sahi saheli 1 year ago

    Bernie you are honest in your narration and love that you have famine body with attractive boobs with cleavage which feel great I do crossdress secretly enjoy with my brasserie and panties luckily I have boyfriend who treats me like girl and do date frequently and assures his friends hip.

  5. Sahi saheli 1 year ago

    I love Bernie’s reflections I felt excited to read about her boobs ,she is our my to have cleavage and a rarity ,I too have a body totally shaved wearing fitting bra a tight ones to give me confidence of CD,I do date with a boy who likes my famine side and enjoys spending a lot of time with me exploring lady body.
    Thanks

  6. Wendy Beach 1 year ago

    Brina,
    You said it so well. I too am introverted but I learned one thing about people’s perceptions years ago when I did 2 weeks with a Eurail Pass while on leave from Iraq. Rick Steves (Europe through the Backdoor) said that when traveling alone no one knows who you really are. You can take on the role of extrovert and become more engaging to strangers (never being ” the Ugly American”. The seasonal thing was particularly meaningful. I am not transitioning and am very much in the closet. My girl friend is very supportive. Just this evening we went to discount clothing outlet where the prices are so low I can take the clothes home and bring them back if I have to. I live in the Inland Empire of SOCAL where the temperatures get quite high. I shaved my legs for the first time ever but I had to wait into November and then stop shaving in late January to give my legs time to get back to the usual because we can get some hot March days. Fortunately I don’t have a lot of body hair. My legs are my best feature. I feel like a vampire. Wendy so far comes out only at night with the shades drawn. Would love to pierce my ears. Unfortunately my 41 yr old daughter would not understand and she is the gate keeper to my 3 wonderful grandchildren. As a senior citizen, I think make up is easier because it’s impossible to hide those wrinkles and I only need to go so far. I just reflect on the charming old lady in the mirror. Have yet to take my act outside the house other than a few furtive visits to the car in early morning hours. Am I naïve to think that I won’t get scrutinized as much as a much younger woman? Brina, you are inspirational and beautiful!

    • Author

      Wendy,
      You are sweet. Thank you for the compliment and for sharing. I know those feelings well, as I imagine many of us do. I like the way you put it about piercing your ears and your daughter being the “Gatekeeper.” I have those similar feelings. It’s not that we are worried about our children as much as we are our grandkids. When they are of age to make their own decisions will I be so old that I won’t care….

      I hate all the hair, especially in summer when I wish it was gone. For the last 4 years, I’ve kept my torso shaved. I went canoeing with my father and took off my shirt (mostly to rid myself of that awful farmers tan) and he didn’t even bat an eye. He isn’t my daughters, who have the eye of an eagle and the instincts of Sherlock. Someone else told me that maybe I want to be caught. They are mostly right. I’m willing to accept being caught, not so much ready to be caught.

      Be kind always,

      Brina

  7. Lara Cross 1 year ago

    Brina: Your message (and your style) seems to have started a revolution of honesty. As Lara I still feel suppressed and alone. It helps me to read posts like yours and your many followers. Bless you all and realize your steps (though not in the high heels we both dream to wear) are moving all us a little further toward accepting our selves in a society eager to apply its labels.

  8. Olivia Livin 7 months ago

    Hi Brina, hoping all is well. I have been crossdressing for a relatively short period of time and am surprised how quickly I am becoming a single identity. Although I still work outside the house and therefore dress drab (underdressed of course) and answer to a male name, that isn’t who I identify with. Keep in mind that the transformation of my appearance is done almost solely through clothing, I rarely wear any make-up or a wig. Even with that, when I look in the mirror I see a happier more attractive and youthful self, and my mirror apparently now reflects my soul as well. Since starting on this path I have and continue to become a better person; more compassionate, expressive, emotionally more stable, more capable of dealing with stress and more confident. I have also found, like yourself, that even though I am commited to my wonderful female SO, I now am attracted physically and sexually to persons in many forms. I think the term is pansexual…we’ll see where that leads. In short, the mirror is much more friendly to me now, than at any other point in my life.

    • Author

      Olivia,

      I must have missed this one when it first posted. Such beautiful sentiment and very well spoken. It really is amazing what happens when we let ourselves be whole rather than diverse.

      Brina

  9. Annie Sometimes 4 months ago

    I LOVE this article. It speaks to and of me. Thanks for sharing.

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