Those of you who have read my previous articles already know my story. I’m somewhere between being transgendered and a full-fledged CD. I’m at the point where I don’t separate my two-selves anymore. They’re always both present, whatever I may be wearing. It can be both problematic and humorous. My current options don’t allow me much freedom to dress during the Spring-Fall, thus, no shaved arms or legs, and my perfume use is minimal as is the opportunity to fully be Brina. I’ve adapted and no longer have to ride out the months until winter comes and Brina takes control. It’s because we’ve become one, each giving at times to the other. There are times, however, where I sometimes wish (okay…really want) to be more open and year-round. I’m an introvert by nature, so that’s already one strike. I’m also 6 foot and carrying more weight recently (though I’m going to really work on that this off Brina season), and I love high heels which makes blending in more difficult unless I concede and wear flats.

I’m not going to share the why, but I’m packing up Brina’s things, removing them from a place of prominence to be relegated to boxes and hidden in my dresser drawers amongst the male clothes. At least they are within reach and close by. Some winter items and the extra shoes (if there is such a thing) get put into my storage shed until next December. The big point here is that I adapt to survive and keep moving forward. This would all be easy to do if the “cat was out of the bag.” Not yet, but soon. I still take my current responsibilities seriously and I’m not yet ready to face the music. If it were to happen, then I will wade through it together with Brina. She’s not going anywhere and “Baby’s not going to be put in the corner.”

Ok…back to the topic: My Reflection. Who do you see when you look in the mirror, both dressed and in your male persona? This is an interesting question for me. Is being a CD like being in love; are we in some ways blind to the imperfections? I admit upfront that I don’t like looking at my male self and only do it to shave and brush my hair, maybe check my teeth and lips to make sure the lip-gloss hasn’t left any lingering traces. It’s much easier to look at Brina’s reflection and see more of the positives rather than the negatives, though she’s always pointing out the hair in the ears and the eyebrows that are becoming more difficult to shape as “old man syndrome” is setting in. Tweezers are my best friend…

I look at my legs and see the girly legs I’ve always had, the “man boobs” that I wish would grow a few sizes (but am happy that I have enough to make respectable cleavage), and the eyes that mostly convey tolerance, hope, and understanding versus the way they used to reflect shame, depression, and guilt. I have a computer full of Brina selfies, and none of my male persona. I study those pictures of Brina to see where I need improvement (everywhere!!!) and what I’ve done right (thank God for those legs). I’ve also started to compare Brina to other women I see and I’ve learned that I’m attracted to the type of women who share some of my characteristics…so does that make me a lesbian now? I like women who wear makeup well (office sultry) and aren’t afraid of dressing nice (with a hint of sexuality). I also love women who can accessorize with jewelry and rock a pair of heels. I’m also becoming more attracted to others like me that can pull off femininity…does that make me a mensbian or maybe a transbian? New labels to add to the growing list.

There is a vast collection of pictures posted on our site and across the internet. They range from fetish to those who have transitioned. I’m always amazed when I see the before and after pictures because it gives me hope should I ever walk that path…not saying I will or won’t. It depends on the day of course… and money…lots of it…. It brings me to my final thought. We need to be inclusive and non-judgmental. I’ve walked in some of the other’s shoes, but not all of them. I try to be helpful where I can, offering advice and friendship, which is really hard for an introvert…trust me. You won’t find me in the chat rooms—not my thing. For some, being a crossdresser is playing a part or being able to separate two individual personalities, for others, like me, this is just who we are…or are becoming. My daily desire when I face the reflection is to be more kind—kind to myself and kind to others. It’s the one thing that doesn’t cost money and makes a world of difference.

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Sabrina (Brina) MacTavish

Brina is from Iowa, and she is steadily learning how to merge her two halves into one whole. Still closeted after 40 years, she hopes to one-day walk freely and confidently in the open. She spends most of her time working as a self-published novelist under both personas.

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Karlieka

Hi. Your storry is talking to my heart. How you feel is exactly how I feel most days. I have to say that I am a crossdresser but more gender fluid than trans. I’m 28 years old and happily maried but with society and family I’m just not up for comming out yet. If I get caught then so be it. I also like to see Karlieka in my reflection. She shows me all my male imperfections but I only see her perfec reflection each time.

Thank you for this story xoxo

Char
Ambassador
Active Member

I wish you grand white wings of courage and strength to carry you as high as you desire to fly in the depths of your soul my friend…
Namaste’
n huggles
Char

Erica Cartman
Lady
Active Member

Brina, your article is very moving for me…we share many of the same thoughts..I hope “Brina” comes to stay, I hate to every see her go, even for a short while. I for one think you are so lovely, that is what you should see in your reflection too.

Ashley Elizabeth
Lady
Member

You have written my own life so eloquently. Your words mirror my own life and thoughts.

Ashley

Charlene Victoria
Lady
Member

Thank you Brina for sharing so eloquently that which I myself and I would suspect what many of us desire to achieve; Balance and acceptance.
Transition seems so far from our reach and yet would we give up our femme self? And so we grow doing our best to blend both of our real selves into persons who can be a blessing and benefit to others.
Blessings,
Charlene

Leonara
Ambassador
Active Member

Brina,
I love your articles .. you are very strong that you, by choice or necessity must take a break from Brina – spring to fall…. my needs for feminity could not tolerate that long abstinence. We are our worse critics . I was surprised at your comment that “I study those pictures of Brina to see where I need improvement (everywhere!!!) “ I always admired ( and a little envious) your photos of you as an elegant lady. I will miss your lovely smile…until the fall be well … we will miss you…

Jen
Guest
Jen

Thank you that was wonderful

Marianne
Ambassador
Member

Brina, I love your articles and the honest way you share from your life. I am also at a stage where Marianne is always present to some extent and I am constantly giving her more room to express herself in my daily life. My face is mostly plucked or at least clean shaven, as are my armpits. My eyebrows are thin feminine archs and my nails usually extend 1/8-1/4 of an inch from my finger tips. For me, thankfully, summertime is when I can really let her flourish in cute skirts and airy dresses, and I no longer care about… Read more »

Kristinaaz Redding
Member
Member

Completely understand what you live through. I too can only be me at home or under my clothes at work. I have cute lingerie to wear around the house and I do love putting on a lace thong, bra or cami and stockings and heading off to work in my drabs except for a tight pair of women’s jeans. My wife calls them my Fundies. I tossed all my drab undies and men’s Jeans. I am hoping some day to be fully Kristina. Living as I am. I take what I can. Thank you for sharing.

Kathryn Stewart
Duchess

Hello Brina from across the miles, I guess, in Georgia. It’s late and I need to go to bed. I do so with excitement because in my 72 years, I’ve never had a bad a conversation with another CD. Hope I can sleep. Will get back to yo soon.

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