Growing up, I knew that my mom had wanted a girl first, but she got me. I know now that a part of her resented the fact that I was a boy. My parents got divorced when I was 7 or 8. After the divorce, we moved quite a bit and mom wouldn’t let our dad see us for at least a year. It was always just my brother, mom, grandma and me. I remember my grandma griping at mom for the way she treated me. My little brother was mom’s favorite and still is. If it wouldn’t have been for grandma I know my younger years would have been a lot worse. She stuck up for me and taught me a lot. She is also the one that instilled the pride I have in my Native American heritage which made me who I am today.
My mother bought me toys and things that were for girls and bought boy stuff for my brother. I remember one Christmas we both got a cabbage patch doll. I threw a fit because I didn’t want a doll and got in trouble because mom said I had asked for it. Not long after that, I remember trying on nightshirts in the little girls department that she was planning on buying me. Needless to say, mom tried to feminize me as much as she could without people talking about it.
As I got older I never really had a lot of friends that were guys. I seemed to get along with girls better. As I got closer to being a teen, I found that I liked the bright colors and pretty things the girls wore. I wished I could wear those colors but boy stuff wasn’t colored the same so I never could. I felt like I should be wearing girls clothes and would sometimes wear stuff in, I guess you’d say, a girly manner. When I was in the 9th grade, I was going to a small rural school and was in the Future Farmers of America. We had an initiation where the guys dressed as girls and the girls like guys. It was awesome. A friend of mine lent me her black pantyhose, black skirt, and a beautiful red top. My hair was halfway down my back so my friend styled it and did my makeup. When I looked in the mirror, I just about fell over. Mostly because I was so pretty but because I really like how I looked. This bothered me because I thought it was wrong to feel that way. I never got to dress up like that until recently. Up until I was 15, my mother never let me cut my hair so it was always long. When I finally cut it off at 16, she just about freaked when she found out.
I have always been and will continue to be an avid outdoorsman and survivalist, but I always wanted to wear pantyhose and women’s clothes. When I was 21, my first child was born. My girlfriend would have never been okay with me dressing so I didn’t. After my daughter was born and started to get older, I got the chance to paint my nails and do girly things playing with her. But that came to an end.
For the last eight years, I mostly lived alone or occasionally with a roommate. I still couldn’t bring myself to buy female clothes as I was always afraid they would be found. I was lucky enough to find my beautiful wife a little over a year ago and from the moment I first saw her, I trusted her with things I would not have told anyone. I don’t remember how our conversation about me crossdressing happened but she said she was okay with it and so I started wearing pantyhose, women’s socks, and other things. After I started dressing, I found another great thing in my life and that’s this website. Crossdresser Heaven has given me the courage to get in touch with the feminine me. At times I wonder if my wife has a problem with my dressing. I get that feeling now and then. Although, we went on an out of town trip and I only wore women’s clothes (even went out in public). She had as much fun as me.
Though I enjoy being out and about as a woman, I enjoy being a man just as much. And that is the biggest struggle I have, wanting to be both. I know a lot of you struggle with feeling like it’s not really you when you’re dressed in men’s clothes but I feel like me dressed either way. I wish I could find the middle ground and be able to dress either way but for the time being the only person outside of the members here that know is my wife. I’m hoping to tell my kids soon but I don’t know how that will go. Guess that can be my next article. Until then I want to wish all of you courage on your journey. May you find a place in this world to be yourself whoever that may be and may the spirits keep you safe, secure and happy in your journey. Chi hullo li ai okla.