Hi Girls, Patricia here! I want share some of my experiences dealing with  shame and guilt I’ve experienced in my life with crossdressing and other endeavors. I’m sure most all of you will be able to relate to parts of my writing today!

This may be more personal than we are used to seeing, but I am pressed to share these thoughts.

I have been dealing with addictions for most of my adult life. My drug addiction centered around marijuana. “Not addictive” you say? When you don’t stop until the baggie is empty and it causes problems, it is an addiction. I worked on that for a couple years, then worked on codependent issues for a couple years. My last program has been ongoing for about 25 years. My progress has stripped the layers down to a shame-based issue. But where did that shame come from?

Transgender Heaven - Gender Journey

Being one of those people who does not spend hours upon hours meditating on the past, looking for answers, I just accepted I was not acting out as much as I used to.

Looking back on the last few months, since I came out to my SO, I have not acted out at all. I don’t have any desire to do pornography or my other acting out behaviors. Intimacy has stopped being a mostly sexual thing and taken on broader aspects.

So, we come back to the questions, where did the shame come and how has dressing helped? I don’t know where I first got the idea to dress, but I do remember when I was about 6, I would sneak into my parents’ room and try on mom’s underwear. On one particular day, a neighbor girl came over and I told her what I did. She wanted to see, so I snuck into my parents’ room, put on something under my clothes and snuck back to my room to show her.

My dad had some college friends over to study and someone noticed. Dad came into my room and caught us. Start with embarrassment of being caught in mom’s lingerie in front of the neighbor girl, scolded, and then dad had to make a lame excuse to his friends. It was just a game, until dad got a hold of it.

The next year, he caught me in bed holding a pair of mom’s panties. Don’t remember how I got them, but I do remember being caught and again being shamed for something that did not seem wrong.

Things were quiet until I was about 12. My grandmother moved in and my parents stored some of her clothes in the basement. I found them and started wearing the things that fit. I was fine for several months, until (you guessed it) dad caught me again. This time he threatened me with a psychiatrist. Now mind you, he had a Master’s in Psychology, but could not see his way to get me counseling. Of course, he would have had to admit his son was a crossdresser and that wasn’t happening in his family in the early 60’s.

My dressing quieted down but the shaming did not stop. I went out for sports, not as a toxic male, but to have fun. I was a wrestler and although I did like to win, it was not the end of the world if I didn’t. I now realize it was the coaches’ jobs to “motivate” me by constantly saying I was not living up to my potential. I kept getting all these “to be a man” messages and told what an athletic and academic disappointment I was. About 10 years ago I started doing affirmations and have gotten over the “less than” feelings.

It did not help that it cost me my marriage when I came out about crossdressing to my first wife . I was in school 15 to 21 hours a semester and working full time. I had been at this for 2 years and was stressed to the max and running exhausted. I don’t know why I chose the foolish move, but I got into bed dressed in her lingerie and she moved out the next day. Not the way to come out unless you really need to shock them. More shame.

But I still had the shame until last August. I had been dressing for about 10 months but had not told my wife about it. I did not want to live in fear of being caught while changing back and forth and adding more shame to the mix. I sat down and told her first. Her acceptance has made a big difference and reassured me that there is no shame in being myself. This freedom from shame and the resultant behavioral changes have been over the last 7 months and are quite welcome.

There will be plenty of people who will try to shame me, but do I have to value their opinion first? A lady misgendered me in the grocery store the other day. My reaction was to wonder what I had missed, should I have shaved or was it my breath? I did nothing to be ashamed of and that is my bottom line.

You CDH girls probably have a similar story relating to shame or guilt you’ve experienced with your cross dressing over the years? If so, please feel free to share your story with me and the rest of the girls here at CDH! We would love to hear from you!

Patricia

 

 

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Patricia Simpson

I was 5 when I started wearing my mother's underwear, was caught & shamed by my father. There have been several other periods, always ending in being caught and shamed by my father. I lost my first wife because she could not handle the shock of seeing me dressed. I told my current wife a couple months ago to avoid the same problem. Now she refers to me as changing to a woman.

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9 Comments
  1. Lucinda Hawkns 3 months ago

    i was caught by my grandfather dressed up in my grandmothers dress and nylons and wig, he just told me to put all items back when i was done wit them. i was about 13 years old i am now 56. i was born in 1962 so that would be about 1975. i started with a pair of tights in a school play i was hooked. no one in family knew, my grandmother knew for i guess i did not put away the dress like it was. never talked about it either. x dressing went away for years then came back later when i got married, seeing all that lovely sexy dresses and nylons, got me to try them on again and i have been x dressing since. my wife knows of my x dressing , she lets me dress up when no other child is home and i dress up fully head to toes and wear perfume. i have my own collection of make up, perfume, ear rings, nylons, dresses, heels, panties and pads , bras, wife knows of my collection and said i have more then she does. that’s true. i seem to wear female cloths more then she does, under dress and sometimes just dress up and walk the house like a true female when no child is home. i love being dressed up all pretty. wife will not help with make up or let me sit in same room as her and talk like 2 woman, she has seen me getting dressed up when she had to tell me something and i was getting my nylons, dress on, then i would put on perfume and she would know it. she tells me i put too much on. being a x dresser in the 60s, 70s was tough. now in the 2000 year, some x dressers came out of the closet, now its all out, men dress up as woman and woman differently dress up in manly cloths now days. so why cant us x dressers dress up as woman? there is nothing wrong with it, dress up and be happy and free. when i dress up i feel better less stress, depression is gone, panic attacks are gone.

    • Author
      Patricia Simpson 2 months ago

      I am sorry to hear that your wife will not join you when you are dressed. I am glad to hear that you feel better when dressed.
      I do remember dressing in front of my grandfather once. He said I would make a better girl than a boy. I would have been 9 or 10. No shame there, either.
      Keep looking pretty,
      Patricia

  2. *skippy1965(Cynthia) 3 months ago

    Patricia-thank you for sharing such a poignant article. I’ve shared my journey in the form of many articles and forum posts over the last four years here(which you can get to by going to my page and clicking forums or articles underneath my cover photo). But I think the biggest thing I learned was that the FIRST and most important part of our journey is to accept OURSELVES as worthy of the same respect and worth as every human being deserves. Vanessa Law-the site founder-rote at least two great articles on this topic https://www.crossdresserheaven.com/from-guilt-and-shame-to-acceptance-and-encouragement/
    and https://www.crossdresserheaven.com/crossdresser-shame-secrecy-silence-and-judgment/ which I encourage folks to read.
    Cyn

    • Author
      Patricia Simpson 2 months ago

      It was a few years ago that I broke the less-than mindset using affirmations. It sounded silly at the time – a sticky note on the mirror, but it worked. NowI have the release from openly dressing and life is getting better.
      I will have to read those articles when I get the chance.
      Patricia

  3. Emily 3 months ago

    Great article! Thanks for opening your heart and sharing. Soooooooo many similarities to my story. Absolutely love and agree with “ there is no shame in being myself.”
    Emily

    • Danial Hrominchuk 2 months ago

      I am Danial Hrominchuk. When cross dressed I go by Daniella. When my Mom caught me in Women’s clothes she took me to The Lake Psychriatic Hospital. I was there for 6 months. I my Aunt Margie signed a release form. How I got into cross dress. A boy dared me to wear a bra to School. I bought a cheap one at Zeller’s; I wore it to school the next day under a white t-shirt. The boy said” damn he wore it. I wanted to call him chicken or coward. He must be gay. ” Well I never considered myself gay. I however really liked the feel of wearing a bra. When I got home my sisters saw me wearing it. They didn’t say anything but they were talking amongst themselves, The next day in the morning I noticed my pants were taken and dresses left in place of them with a note saying you need something to wear. So I wore a dress for that day. It was the weekend so there was no school. I walked around outside no one said anything. I was 13 then and I didn’t have to worry about my Dad seeing me cause he passed on from over drinking when I was 12. It was my Mom who caught me cross dressing. I already told you her reaction. My Aunts however didn’t mind it. They were often the babysitters. I had to deal with that until I became 15 then my Mom said you don’t need babysitter anymore. Then I got a newspaper route and put my cross dressing on the back burner for awhile. I often had to sneak in to my sisters rooms to get my pants shirts back. I didn’t think it right to wear a dress when delivering newspapers. I also began selling Regal Stationery & Gifts door to door. I combined that win delivering newspapers I went to 100 places selling Regal items but for newspapers it was called a small route of 40 papers to 40 houses. I got to tired to cross dress when I got home. My Mom start to think I was over that.To my Aunt Marge My Mom said He was just going through a phase he seems to be over it now .I haven’t seen him cross dress the last 7 months!. When I quit my paper route cause many people did not pay for their news papers I thought about cross dressing again however I didn’t do it then cause I was still selling Regal Items and making money but after awhile the sales dwindled down to a trickle so I quit that. I got back into cross dressing and I picked up a couple of books from the Library about cross dressing. According to it There are more cross dresses than not but it says about 47% of them are in the closet about it afraid to come out. It also gave me some tips on cross dressing. It made me more comfortable about it. However I didn’t do it much it was just when my Mom wasn’t around. I would borrow my sisters clothes and wear them. I think they saw me wearing them but never said anything. I was on and off about cross dressing until my 44th birthday. That day I decided I’d come out totally cross dressed. I was in a dress and wig for my birthday party. My Mom didn’t say anything. I guess she gave up trying to change me. A few years later my Mom past on it was February 26th 2006 when she passed on. She was in the hospital then she died of Fribramylegia! the last words she said to me is “Don’t Say anything!” I don’t know why she said that but she was probably thinking about my cross dressing and didn’t want me to say anything about it. Well i got more comfortable about it. My sisters even started buying me dresses and told me not to take their dress. Also they were buying their own pants then and no longer took mine.
      My youngest sister and I went to a Lesbian Bar I was dressed up really fancy as a lady and my sister she ordered 2 Pink Ladies and we talked. After wards we went hope. She went to her boy friend and I went to my new apartment that I had just got. I relaxed in my women’s clothing. And that night I went to bed in a nighty. I left the bra on over night. I guess I said a lot here. So I’ll end it now have a great day and Enjoy your cross dressing!
      from Danial Hrominchuk aka Daniella

  4. Jessica Kayski 2 months ago

    OMG thank you writing this I have always struggled with guilt and shame usually after I dress so reading this really made me feel better
    Jessica

    • Author
      Patricia Simpson 2 months ago

      Good day Jessica,
      My 12 step work has gotten me into the habit of looking at the issues in my life. I don’t do inner-child work, etc but I do work out the issues when they pop up. That is how I came to deal with my shame issues on several levels.
      The question to start with is where shame is the coming from? Guilt comes from the feelings of doing something wrong. Shame comes from feeling that we are bad people. I know my dressing is not wrong. In fact,I am trans and that is who I am. It is not a right or wrong issue, it is a me issue.
      AND I am not a bad person because I dress/am trans. I still have my morals and sense of right and wrong. Although i never got the chance to come out to my mother, I know she would want me to be the kind of woman that would make her proud of the way she raised me.
      I hope this helps. Let me know how I can help.
      Patricia

      • Jessica Kayski 2 months ago

        Hey,
        I definitely believe that my feelings of shame and guilt come from the fact that I’ve always had to be so secretive about what I do and I never met anyone else who dresses until recently. I am still a work in progress it’s only been within the past year and a half I started embracing this side of me and want to present myself this way to everyone.

        Jess

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