It occurred to me this week, that so few people can really understand my reasons for choosing to live the way I do! Even more so, on the subject of surgery (SRS). The latter being quite a dramatic and extreme choice that encouraged some to tell me that, it will not change who I am. Even though their intentions were only of concern for my well-being, they believed they knew what I really needed and wanted. Oh please give me credit for being able to know what I want from my life now, more than ever before. I am able to research, evaluate, know of risks, and make my own decision based upon, most importantly, what I truly desired.

The Spark

Which has brought me to write this in an article to share with your all, as I have a feeling that many of you will have experienced this in some form or another.

I had an appointment a few days ago at the hospital. I’d set out with plenty of time for my hour drive to my appointment. My usual parking spot adjacent to the entrance was ‘Out of Use’ due to the bizarre restrictions now imposed everywhere! So, back to the car and trying to recall how to navigate to the other side of the hospital grounds. Typical! Sat Nav and mobile phone maps didn’t function well, so I ‘winged it’ and got there surprisingly quickly.

I was soon invited into an office by the psychiatrist, one I had not met before. I had already decided to ask the first question; why have I been asked to attend this meeting? Perhaps not the best approach, but it hadn’t been made clear prior, plus my progress towards surgery had come to a halt, and without contact to keep me informed or up-to-date. Understandably, I was a little frustrated and more than a little stressed about the situation. I’ve learned to accept the delay, by considering, that if I progressed no further, I am still very happy; but completion would be the better option. Nevertheless, I was a little miffed!

Attack

It felt as if she took my question as a form of attack and the discussion became tangled in confusion. I tried to explain how things had not progressed for almost a year and how I was feeling less confident in it happening at all! After about 15-20 minutes, it calmed down as she had a better understanding of my position. She asked a few questions to become aware of my personal situation; did I feel isolated, did I have friends? etc. My replies were, I did not feel isolated, and I have very good support from friends and family. I’m in an excellent frame of mind and health. She got more than expected in my reply based on the expression on her face.

More general questions and she wrote notes down in a book. She used the telephone to make an internal call. I wasn’t paying close attention to what was being said, I was thinking about what had happened so far. She placed the phone back on the receiver and said, “it’s all approved!” She had spoken to the secretary of the surgeon. She carried on saying, that from October or November, surgery could be set and a confirmation sent by post to me.

In disbelief

I sat there for a moment in slight disbelief. Noting my stillness, she repeated it. I think I pulled a strange face with a sort of smirk of happiness and slight questioning in response. She went on to clarify the details to ensure that I had really taken it on board. By now I had realised that after all these years this was really happening. The tears were welling up, but I kept my composure.

On my drive home, I reflected on her words and what have been my dreams, desires, and more for so many years. How they were so close to reality, 68 years of waiting. I considered stopping to send a message to my daughter but held back. I sent it once I returned home, I couldn’t contain my joy and wanted to share it. I also contacted a few people who I knew would understand what this meant to me, including my older sister.

I sent the message to my sister later that evening and received a reply not long after. It was quite lengthy, a little rambling on, so I thought she might have had a few glasses of wine. It went into things we’d not discussed before. I felt she was not clear of mind and stating things most likely wouldn’t say when sober. In particular, “It won’t solve all my problems, but it might help me.” She suggested that I am unhappy, It’s nothing that I have done, and then, thank the lord that our parents don’t have to deal with something they don’t understand. Now she is thinking for my dead parents and deciding how they would have reacted to my choice – Really!!!

I have extracted those parts to make my point; she did include loving and positive comments that only wished me happiness and offering the support of her and her husband. Perhaps you can see why I felt it was influenced by a bottle of wine?

Confirmation

The communication with my sister confirmed what I had felt for some time, regarding the way others who have not felt any kind of gender displacement are unable to comprehend what it is that takes us along this path. We are the only ones who can understand ourselves and the drive within us to suffer, endure, and breakthrough barriers in our own perceptions and lives. To come to an understanding and acceptance of exactly who we are and where we need to get to. That place where we will be enabled to feel comfortable and settled within the physical body and mind that we live.

It isn’t about the way in which others perceive how we should choose to live, or how that fits their picture of what they think we should be. It’s our own consciousness that we’ve had since birth. It brings us into a world where we have a need to reconcile this at some point in our life. We often have a set of challenges to overcome in order to reach fulfillment. When we do, the experiences, hardships, and transformation we go through make us even more unique and special individuals by going through that process. In history, there were cultures that acknowledged this and treated such people with high regard and respect, knowing they were gifted. A gift that only we have and can use in the most wonderful ways to bring peace, stability, and harmony into the communities that we live among. All we require is the recognition and willingness to permit us to be who and what we are.

Believe in who you are always, it’s your right to do so and not for others to decide for you.

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I began this journey the day I opened my eyes for the very first time. I found this site at a time when I needed support more than any other point in my life. I had chosen to transition after years of internal turmoil, failing to be able understand or accept who and what I was. My life moved on at a pace that I found hard to deal with at times, but I managed. Living alone in the South West of France life was far from simple or easy then. Then, I discovered this oasis online, finding love, understanding and support unequalled to anything I have previously come across. Dare I suggest, my other family! So, why return after leaving about two years back? At the point, my life was changing dramaticaly, everything I had believed, understood and built my life around, up until that point, changed almost overnight. I am very settled in my life now living as a woman, with friends and a social life, all while being the happiest I have been. I am in the medical system here after overcoming many obstacles, now with the hope of surgery very soon to complete my transition. I have returned here in the hope that my experiences and knowledge can be of help to others in this community. When very young, I dreamed of being a girl, going to bed at night hoping I would awake as a girl. After realising that wasn't going to happen, I shut down that wish and lived a repressed existence from that day. It took a lifetime of unintentionally hurting myself and others, regretfully! Perhaps the one true regret of my life!

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Kimberly (kimmie) Lynn
Duchess
6 months ago

On the Srs surgery it does change who you are on the outside it brings the person that is in the inside too the outside and it makes the person whole I want to get the surgery and live my life as who I am suppose to be Kimberly

Alison Anderson
Duchess
Member
6 months ago

I wouldn’t be so hard on her. First, it’s almost a truism that nobody really understands. Sure, with some experience, people can understand at an intellectual level. But only someone who is going through what you are going through can understand on an intellectual level. As a crossdresser, I can’t fully understand what drives people to have surgery to make their body appear as they feel. The best people can do is accept your decision. You mentioned that she had some positive comments in addition to the ones you felt were negative. While you attribute it to wine, there could… Read more »

Jane Don
Active Member
6 months ago

something that drives me Crazy is the Fact that for SRS we HAVE to see a shrink–With No other cosmetic surgery does anyone need to see a shrink–

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