Many of the readers of Crossdresser Heaven are crossdressers who are learning to accept the feminine part of themselves. At the start of this journey it is daunting to contemplate one possible end – living as a woman full time. It can also be unhelpful, since many crossdressers live happy, fulfilled lives crossdressing part time.
We’ve been blessed to share in Joanna’s journey into womanhood these last few weeks. This has been helpful for me, and I hope you have been edified by her sharing. As I was posting the third installment of Joann’s Journey I realized one possible danger – in particular for those married to a crossdresser – so I wanted to take a moment to clarify. Not all crossdressers are transsexuals.
As men, we sometimes like to think in terms of goals to be accomplished. We may even believe that having a sex change is the ultimate goal, and full expression of our feminine selves. I assure you that this is no more a goal than forever banishing those thoughts of the feminine. You need to search deep within yourself to discover your own path.
I’m pleased to share the continuing story of Joanna’s transgender success. I hear there might be a fourth installment, subscribe to Crossdresser Heaven so you don’t miss it!
In this essay I continue my story…
Transgender Frustrations, delays and headaches
All is not smooth sailing on the waters of Trans, there are times when:
- The person feels like the medical community doesn’t care about them
- Their counselor, psychiatrist or general practitioner has their own agenda and won’t do anything about hormones (HRT) or any of the patient’s concerns until something in the medic’s agenda is satisfied
- As I pointed out in my first essay there are other frustrations, those of coming out to friends, family, church members, employers and others
- The seemingly endless financial demands of transition which have to be balanced against the more immediate, pressing and required financial demands of simple day to day living. Given the choice between hormones and milk for the kids, milk must have priority.
Feeling down, somewhat depressed and angry seems to be an integral part of transition; you should see a doctor if your symptoms last past 2 or 3 days and especially if you have thoughts of suicide. The suicide rate among pre-op transmen and women is at least 30% with many having at least one attempt before the age of 20. Please don’t become another statistic.
On to my situation, over the last few weeks I think I have experienced the highs and lows of transition, from passing well at a state wide conference to the low of having to yet again go to war with one of my transition team about beginning HRT. Here I am four months post diagnosis, twenty one days into RLE and still yet to start HRT. For me passing is as much about dressing, attitude, and movement as it is about makeup and hairdos. I am frustrated that my therapist and Dr. don’t seem to share the same sense of urgency about HRT that I do; indeed they want to slow me down. I have been waiting most of my life for this to happen why do they want to keep me from my journey any longer?
Don’t get me wrong there is nothing wrong with Cross Dressing, or Cross Dressers it is just that isn’t where I am at nor is it where I wish to stay, but without hormones that is what I am. These quotes from journal entries of mine should sum up my feelings nicely
“To be blunt without hormones I am naught but a cross dresser. [Ed: See note above, we each have our own calling and path – every station along the gender spectrum is to be cherished and valued if we stop there with sincerity] Cross dressing, while alleviating some of the problem, is not enough. The longer I am left in this netherworld the less help it is going to be. Some of the ladies on a site I frequent have suggested privately to me that if things don’t straighten out I should look to the internet for spironolactone and Estradiol. I really don’t know about that but it would begin to force some hands, if I get desperate enough who knows, it might be the way to go.” [Ed: I seem to be butting in a lot – I recommend anyone considering hormones consult a qualified physician]
“What will I do if HRT seems to be a moving target and I am left as a cross dresser?”
I don’t know, however I have no intention of stopping this transition. If my current team does not wish to assist me any further or keeps throwing roadblocks in front of me I will be forced to find a new therapist who will assist me in my transition, and if I have to go to the city hopefully we can handle it by phone to ease up on the transport costs.
What is it going to take to get HRT started?
Am I the only one this matters to?
Has someone, somewhere decided to play a cruel joke and just keep stringing me along with no intention of allowing me to continue?
It is not something I would be proud of doing but it would be a way for me to force the issue. If I keep getting put off, the buck keeps getting passed around I may have to turn to the internet for help in forcing some hands.”
The last paragraph is one born of frustration at the delays and seeming intransigence of my transition team. It does seem that those who are willing to take that step (one that is not recommended or advised by any transperson or doctor) do end up on supervised HRT faster.
Right now it doesn’t seem to matter how I push, what I say, or how I try to get my team to see my urgency they only want to move at their own glacial pace. Being as how I live in a smaller center and right now don’t have the money to commute to the city for therapy I will have to keep fighting this bunch. Sooner or later I will get them to give me what I need but until then I have to wonder if they care.
By now some of you may be wondering why I am putting together such a dark and some would say negative missive, bluntly WELCOME TO REALITY. Transition is not all fun and games, yellow brick roads, and beds of thornless roses; it is a lot of pain, sweat, heart ache, frustration, emotional turmoil, broken relationships, self doubt and self reflection. The end, being complete, the discontinuity between brain and body fixed, is well worth the price.
There are those of us, in transition, who have suffered with the discontinuity for 40, 50, 60 or more years, in many ways we envy those of you who find out young and have the majority of your lives to transition and enjoy the fruits of that transition. However there is one thing that we don’t have to worry about; whether or not we ever plan on expanding the world population. Those of us whose transitions occur in the middle years of life are probably well past that point. For those of you male or female whose transitions are occurring in the prime child bearing years please consider banking eggs or sperm against the possibility of wanting genetically linked children in the future. My reason for emphasizing this is that the hormones will eventually chemically castrate you, rendering the creation of children impossible.
Despite the darkness and despair of some hours and days of my transition there have been some successes and some of them notable ones. In my last essay Of S.O.’s Curve Balls and Space Time I opened the subject of giving your significant other or others all the space and time (hence the reference to Space Time) they want and need to accept or reject your diagnosis and gender path. Many will initially react with anger, due to the pain and turmoil you have just caused, remember unlike us they haven’t had the majority of their lives to prepare for this day. As I mentioned earlier, I am now 4 months post diagnosis and as you may know from other essays I have been down that road of hatred, anger, recriminations and accusations by my SO. I gave her the time she wanted and needed, as well as not insisting on sleeping in the bedroom with her, this is part of giving her space.
Your partner will need someplace private to get away and be alone with their thoughts, maybe to call a trusted friend and seek advice from that quarter, female partners more so than male ones will seek counsel from trusted friends. Just because they say they don’t want you anymore or they are not lesbians, doesn’t mean that given time and space they won’t come around to finding a way that they can accept who you are, and are becoming. As a result of not pressuring her to accept me and allowing her time to get her head around it, there have now been some positive developments in our relationship, however I am not willing to say publicly what those developments are.
I talked with my manager at work last night and flat out asked her when she thought it would be good for me to begin my transition at work her reply, after the day I’d had, was music to my ears; she told that as long as what I wore fit the dress code and wasn’t over the top she didn’t mind when I started. That ended the day on a really good note.
Stay tuned for part 4…
More Articles by The Author
- I Want to Live Like That
- Hope in Despair, Light through the Darkness
- Scholar Program – Transwomen’s Social Support for Medication Adherence
- Crossdresser Heaven Site Updates for January 2019
- You Are Enough
Latest posts by Vanessa Law (see all)
- I Want to Live Like That - August 29, 2020
- Hope in Despair, Light through the Darkness - March 22, 2020
- Scholar Program – Transwomen’s Social Support for Medication Adherence - April 6, 2019
- Crossdresser Heaven Site Updates for January 2019 - January 28, 2019
- You Are Enough - March 5, 2017