So let’s begin by suggesting that this is the first time you’ve ever put on a pair of silk panties. Probably not very likely! Perhaps that may of happened back in elementary school when you were fascinated by the red pair that pretty little girl with the long blonde curls wore under her Easter dress. I guess the point I am trying to make here; is that some of us have been on this path for a long time. Some are just now coming to terms with it, while others are shrugging shoulders and perhaps saying, “If I could only go back.” or something else.

I’ve always been a thinker, analyzing all the ‘what if’s’ that pop into your head. Today, I consider the question I’ve asked myself often, ‘Ok, so now what?’. You’ve found your way to this site — and an amazing site where there are over 15,000 members and counting, many who offer their guidance and share their stories. Possibly, most ask themselves that same question. The answer is as varied as the person who asks it. We are similar in our journeys and we are individualistic in our pursuits.

I spent most of my teens and early twenties believing I had a sexual fetish for heels and nylons. I loved seeing women wearing them and I loved the rare opportunities I had to wear them myself even more. Just when I thought that was all it was, I bought a dress at a garage sale. I’d seen a similar one on a woman I admired and I had to have it. It wasn’t even close to my size, but I paraded around the house in it for an hour before the guilt hit me — I threw it in the trash. ‘Ok, so now what?”.

Transgender Heaven - Gender Journey

While my life moved on – the more I tried to suppress the urges, the worse they got. Until one day I snapped and bought a pair of heels, I found some much needed release. It pretty much stayed that way through my marriage and kids. I found the need to wear women’s clothing a sexual gratification for the lack of intimacy in my marriage and my uncontrollable fetish. Then came the divorce and for the first time, I completely immersed myself into being Brina… and I liked it. “Ok, so now what?”

For almost two years, Brina became everything. I lost weight and became obsessed with learning how to walk, do makeup, and dress appropriately. In short, how to be a woman. In a sudden realization and a terrifying moment I asked, “Ok, so now what?”. If my ex-wife hadn’t stripped me of my self-worth, I might have accepted where I was headed and who I really was, but I didn’t. I purged every remnant of Brina and fell in love with a wonderful woman for seven years to prove something. It was beautiful and sad. I never told her and it ate me up. I also stayed true and didn’t dress. I didn’t need to because we had good relations… until we didn’t, and I still didn’t dress.

Hindsight is great in helping you connect the dots of your life. After the relationship ended, I fought against Brina until another of those defining moments and I asked the question once more, “Ok, so now what?”. I started slowly, just letting Brina have a moment here and there. Although it felt different this time and I knew it! It was ok, I was going to be ok, and Brina was ok too.

The answer had always been there, the internal voice that spoke to me when I needed comfort and support. The part of me that I’d been neglecting, suppressing, and the part of me that was a fragmented individual got my attention. All I really needed was to share my life with Brina. Together, we are stronger, happier, healthier, and a better human being. I have found unity and peace. I had once felt unworthy. Now I understand worth isn’t in the perception that others have in the clothes I wear or material possessions, but simply in me liking the reflection in the mirror and in my compassion for others.

“Ok, so now what?” the question rises once again! I really don’t have a definitive answer. I can tell you that lots of self-reflection has helped me to see how the disjointed parts of my life have finally begun to merge in a way that makes some sense of all this.  This is who I am and I will proudly walk this path forward and deal with the consequences that inevitably will come as a result of it. I like the person that I am becoming and I don’t ever want to deny any part of myself ever again. The future will only continue to allow me to evolve into who the person I am supposed to be. I will never stop asking ot growing as I forever ponder on “Ok, so now what?”

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Sabrina (Brina) MacTavish

Brina is from Iowa, and she is steadily learning how to merge her two halves into one whole. Still closeted after 40 years, she hopes to one-day walk freely and confidently in the open. She spends most of her time working as a self-published novelist under both personas.

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Sabrina (Brina) MacTavishMandy williamsGracieAmanda PatrickAndrea Adlerberg Recent comment authors
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kate dancer (K D)
Guest
kate dancer (K D)

Hi Brina,
thank you for sharing your story, mine is almost exactly the same as yours except I cant except my femme image its never good enough so I will have to borrow your expression so now what. I will have to think about that hun thank you for sharing you story huggs kate

Jane
Guest
Jane

OK–so now what—& might I add HOW? My whole life, I’ve fit in with women much better than men—From a young age I felt comfortable around them—So easy to talk with females-I know deep dark secrets of countless #s of women–Most -I don’t even remember their names or wich” secret” belongs to Whom— I’m really lucky—Through the yrs my wife helped(& gave me the confidence) to incorporate my crossdressing into our lovelife– now it’s to a point where she is Helping feminize me (just tiny B cup so far) — I have probably more fem clothes than Male clothes– However—I… Read more »

Gracie
Lady
Member

I agree 100% i fight that battle on a daily basis. Ill love myself then i wont. Ill feel pride then shame. Confidence to fear and loneliness. In the end im starting to realize that its ok to just be me. No matter how I choose to present myself or dress that day ill always just be me at the end of the day and I’m finally ok with that…i think

Amanda Patrick
Member

Hi Gracie Ann,

I have a lot of those same feelings you are describing. I am feeling good about steps forward. and then I seem to sag. I do think some times its just part of being a human being to. Self esteem Fluctuates in all human Beings.

Amanda.

Gracie
Lady
Member

Hi Amanda,
I agree, sometimes its really difficult. Its nice to finally have ppl to talk to who know exactly how I feel. Ive always felt so alone till now. If you ever wanna chat feel free to send a msg. Thanks for responding
G

Lea
Lady
Member

Beautifully written and thought provoking! Now what? I also wonder that often. The more steps I take into the CD world, yet I still end up with Now What. How far to go, when to stop, what to risk, compulsive actions, Now What. I try to imagine a balanced life, just a masculine, hetero, loving, responsible, contributing, caring guy wearing women’s clothes and shoes. Then the Now What gets me to think about the risk of losing what I have, people, job, a place in the community. And the sad balance looks impossible. Now What is a reminder that we… Read more »

Terri
Baroness
Member

Thank you Brina for your article. What next ? Is something I have asked myself many times throughout my life. Everyone’s situation is different. What is good for you may not be good for me. Some much has changed in our community since I first put on my mother’s slip almost 60 years ago. Feeling completely alone for a long time was a reality for many of us. When I met my first sister crossdresser my life changed. For me Balance is my keyword for maintaining my sanity. Thank you again.
Terri

Steph Di Firenze
Lady
Member

Brina, Thank you for sharing where you are in your life’s journey and how you have come to t\be who you are where you are. The important part is that you are looking forward with your question. I am only just starting on my journey, but I have had, in some ways, a very similar beginning. For me perhaps the stripping away of my self-worth was the catalyst for questioning all of the social conditioning since my birth. To build someone new requires breaking down all that was there before right down to the foundations and restarting. This is where… Read more »

Andrea Adlerberg
Lady

Well written article, Brina. It is easy to see that you are a professional writer. I especially appreciate the point you make about not denying one’s feminine self. That along with other people’s comments about balance rings so true for me. To invest all of my energy in my feminine self gets life out of balance for me, BUT, to put all the energy it takes to completely suppress my feminine self also creates an unbearable imbalance. Your message of self-acceptance and openness to the future is gratifying. Thank you.

–Andrea

Andrea Adlerberg
Lady

Why does there have to be a right or wrong? My take on it (philosophy light–more sugar than protein …LOL) is this: In order for out society to function we require rules of behavior — even wolves in a pack have social behavior rules. In many ways these rules serve a valid purpose, and part of our pack animal DNA makes us feel good about following the rules. It means we fit in, we belong, etc. However, most of us also have problems with low self esteem so we can make following the rules something of a morality fetish. Again,… Read more »

Mandy williams
Lady

OMG as i read your article i was sitting here stunned its like you truly read my mind, everything you said described me and my mind perfectly I’m still sitting here as i type this just blown away that it describes my past in every way and where i am at in life now
You have written this so beautifully Brina and you are such a wonderful writer
Thank you again for making so much sense and making me realise new things i had not thought of in such a long time

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