It is Saturday, early evening, and I sit at home wondering what to do with myself during this unsure and stressful time. With a warmer than usual night and a somewhat quiet and subdued world outside my door, the thought crossed my mind that maybe just maybe it was time for Michelle to venture outside. It stems from knowing that a month ago I would have been out in public for the first time at Keystone.

I am truly saddened that the event was cancelled, but thankful knowing they decided our health and safety were far more important. Though I was unable to go to my first event as Michelle and meet some incredible people from CDH and TGH, who have become dear friends, I still feel optimistic that at some point I will make foray out into the world. As Gwenn, my amazing and loving partner in life has said, it is not a question of “if” but of “when.” I must admit the thought of going out in public has grown since first allowing myself to accept something hidden within and finally exploring those feelings with the help and support of this wonderful safe haven and its sibling site. I am sure many of you know that feeling well.

I keep thinking about all the recent steps that have led me to this point. Everything from telling Gwenn, finding CDH, becoming an ambassador, getting up the nerve to get dressed en femme for Halloween, to taking my first pictures as Michelle and posting them. The friendships and late-night conversations with some of the most amazing people I’ve had the pleasure to chat with; knowing that I am not alone. Even though all of us are at different points along our journey, we can share our experiences, dreams, fears, and hopes with each other. Take comfort that we have a place to go, albeit electronically, but that’s okay.

Visit Transgender Heaven

Both CDH and TGH give us the opportunity to learn, create or even recreate ourselves into being a truer us. It has been a life changing event getting to know myself as Michelle.  I am no longer afraid to keep her locked up inside and forgotten.  Instead, I embrace, nurture, and love who I am becoming and wait patiently to see where it will all take me. Earlier this year, I finally said aloud to a couple of friends on site that I have accepted that I am Gender Fluid and hope to continue to learn what that means for me.

I am not a fan of labeling myself or others because of the negative experiences I had growing up. I would prefer to just be me, but sometimes finding a label does help make sense of who we are. I see the power in being able to define oneself instead of society dictating how I should be identified. It is a freeing moment, and yet, I have not crossed the threshold and said to the world, “Here I am, and it doesn’t matter whether I am wearing a dress, heels and make up, or a suit; I am just me.” I know that I must plan and be prepared for when that day comes as best I can. I need remind myself that it’s not just me that this affects, but this amazing person who said yes to dating, then to moving in with, and finally in marrying me.

Being Michelle balances me in ways I never thought possible. I feel more confident, forgive myself easier, and smile a heck of lot more than before. I’ve noticed mannerisms that have crept into my other side and I don’t feel quite as uptight. Oh, I still have a way to go, with no delusions on the fact; this will possibly take the rest of my life to work on. I am happy in being able to finally put one foot in front of the other; pretty soon I will be walking out that door—preferably in a cute outfit and a pair of heels. Be kind to yourself and to each other.

En Femme Discover Woman Within

 

 

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Michelle Liefde

When I was young , I loved Deborah Harry. I thought it was just a crush, but realized not only did I find her attractive but what she would wear. When I was 11, I first tried on a dress, pantyhose and bra. I had waited for my family to go out and finally decided to try. We had a storage area in our garage where my mom had some of her old clothes. I would go out there a much as I could. Eventually, I was found out. I buried this part of myself for over 30 years. I spent that time being happy, sad and repressed. Then about 2-3 years ago, I finally admitted to myself that I wanted to try again. After a little time, I told my wife and luckily she has been growing with me as I figure learn more about Michelle. I smile everytime Michelle comes out. I feel happier when I look in the mirror and see her.
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Gwenn Liefde
Baroness
Active Member
Gwenn Liefde (@apaixono)
5 months ago

Wow! Sweetie, thanks for much for sharing that. It’s always helpful to me knowing what’s in your heart. Its nice to see that you do hear what I say from time to time. 😛 j/k hehe. But, Seriously, I have loved seeing your journey and know that I walk beside you. That’s where I’ll be when you are ready to share Michelle with the world.

Love Always,
Gwenn

P.S. I am still bummed about Keystone too. It would have been interesting and fun.

P.P.S. Love the picture!

Olivia Livin
Active Member
Olivia Livin (@ohlivialivin)
5 months ago

A wonderful article Michelle with so many truths. Thank you, your day in the sun will come, and you WILL shine. It seems in fact to be a lifelong journey, we may never actually get to something that we would have thought would be our destination. All of the living, learning and loving we do along the way may be what its all about. And that would be alright. I just reread the post “whats your reason for crossdressing”, I’ve replied in the past but half jokingly thought…I do it so that I have a reason to be here on… Read more »

Deborah Sullivan
Duchess
Active Member
Deborah Sullivan (@debbiedd)
5 months ago

Great article Michelle and something I can certainly relate too

Lisa Fox
Active Member
Lisa Fox (@lisafox)
5 months ago

Hi Michelle, thank you a very endearing article. It resonates with me in so many ways, in terms of getting out there and accepting who I am. I feel the same balance and confidence you do, however, I don’t think I have reached the same level as you. I believe CDH is helping me and through articles like this and the support I feel here I am very hopeful. Thanks again! Lisa

Shyanne Dee
Active Member
Shyanne Dee (@shyanne)
5 months ago

Thanks for sharing. I feel pretty much the same way.

skippy1965 Cynthia
Ambassador
Trusted Member
skippy1965 Cynthia (@skippy1965)
5 months ago

Michelle, It is truly a treasure to have you and Gwenn as friends and I feel incredibly honored to be one of the few who have met you in person so far. My visit to y’all as part of the Cynvasion tour was so much fun, I’m scheduling return engagement if y’all will have me. And maybe this time we can do a day trip or even an overnight to Boston or somewhere out of town so Michelle can be free to go outside! Maybe even see if some other CDH member near y’all can met up. I can’t wait… Read more »

Angela Pieper
Member
Angela Pieper (@michael-pieper)
5 months ago

Skippy, so good to see you, I know you have been an inspiration to so many of the girls!!
You helped me once with a computer problem, you will always be my sister.
-Thank you for being here. XOO

skippy1965 Cynthia
Ambassador
Trusted Member
skippy1965 Cynthia (@skippy1965)
5 months ago
Reply to  Angela Pieper

Thanks Angela. I’m nothing special-I just try to help anyone I can.
Cyn

Natalia Danvers
Member
5 months ago

Michelle,

I enjoyed reading your article, and there are some feelings that echo my own. Hopefully we will get to meet and see some others from here next year!

-nat

Liza Mellinger
Member
Liza Mellinger (@liza)
5 months ago

Thank you for sharing. It was very helpful to me. Someday i would like to go to Keystone also. Maybe we’ll meet someday. Liza

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