It is Saturday, early evening, and I sit at home wondering what to do with myself during this unsure and stressful time. With a warmer than usual night and a somewhat quiet and subdued world outside my door, the thought crossed my mind that maybe just maybe it was time for Michelle to venture outside. It stems from knowing that a month ago I would have been out in public for the first time at Keystone.
I am truly saddened that the event was cancelled, but thankful knowing they decided our health and safety were far more important. Though I was unable to go to my first event as Michelle and meet some incredible people from CDH and TGH, who have become dear friends, I still feel optimistic that at some point I will make foray out into the world. As Gwenn, my amazing and loving partner in life has said, it is not a question of “if” but of “when.” I must admit the thought of going out in public has grown since first allowing myself to accept something hidden within and finally exploring those feelings with the help and support of this wonderful safe haven and its sibling site. I am sure many of you know that feeling well.
I keep thinking about all the recent steps that have led me to this point. Everything from telling Gwenn, finding CDH, becoming an ambassador, getting up the nerve to get dressed en femme for Halloween, to taking my first pictures as Michelle and posting them. The friendships and late-night conversations with some of the most amazing people I’ve had the pleasure to chat with; knowing that I am not alone. Even though all of us are at different points along our journey, we can share our experiences, dreams, fears, and hopes with each other. Take comfort that we have a place to go, albeit electronically, but that’s okay.
Both CDH and TGH give us the opportunity to learn, create or even recreate ourselves into being a truer us. It has been a life changing event getting to know myself as Michelle. I am no longer afraid to keep her locked up inside and forgotten. Instead, I embrace, nurture, and love who I am becoming and wait patiently to see where it will all take me. Earlier this year, I finally said aloud to a couple of friends on site that I have accepted that I am Gender Fluid and hope to continue to learn what that means for me.
I am not a fan of labeling myself or others because of the negative experiences I had growing up. I would prefer to just be me, but sometimes finding a label does help make sense of who we are. I see the power in being able to define oneself instead of society dictating how I should be identified. It is a freeing moment, and yet, I have not crossed the threshold and said to the world, “Here I am, and it doesn’t matter whether I am wearing a dress, heels and make up, or a suit; I am just me.” I know that I must plan and be prepared for when that day comes as best I can. I need remind myself that it’s not just me that this affects, but this amazing person who said yes to dating, then to moving in with, and finally in marrying me.
Being Michelle balances me in ways I never thought possible. I feel more confident, forgive myself easier, and smile a heck of lot more than before. I’ve noticed mannerisms that have crept into my other side and I don’t feel quite as uptight. Oh, I still have a way to go, with no delusions on the fact; this will possibly take the rest of my life to work on. I am happy in being able to finally put one foot in front of the other; pretty soon I will be walking out that door—preferably in a cute outfit and a pair of heels. Be kind to yourself and to each other.
More Articles by Michelle Liefde
- A Tale of Two Necklaces
- My Journey So Far…
- Media Review: And now for this century…
- Media Review: The Music Video for Quiet by Milck
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Latest posts by Michelle Liefde (see all)
- A Tale of Two Necklaces - September 12, 2022
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- Media Review: The Music Video for Quiet by Milck - October 4, 2019
Wow! Sweetie, thanks for much for sharing that. It’s always helpful to me knowing what’s in your heart. Its nice to see that you do hear what I say from time to time. 😛 j/k hehe. But, Seriously, I have loved seeing your journey and know that I walk beside you. That’s where I’ll be when you are ready to share Michelle with the world.
Love Always,
Gwenn
P.S. I am still bummed about Keystone too. It would have been interesting and fun.
P.P.S. Love the picture!
Gwenn, you make this journey a lot smoother than I could have possibly thought. And when the day does come, its comforting to know you will be there. ♥️
A wonderful article Michelle with so many truths. Thank you, your day in the sun will come, and you WILL shine. It seems in fact to be a lifelong journey, we may never actually get to something that we would have thought would be our destination. All of the living, learning and loving we do along the way may be what its all about. And that would be alright. I just reread the post “whats your reason for crossdressing", I’ve replied in the past but half jokingly thought…I do it so that I have a reason to be here on… Read more »
Olivia, thank you. And I have had the same thought about being here. The sites have helped in so many ways and the members are a big part of that. And you are most definitely one who has.
Hugs,
Michelle
Great article Michelle and something I can certainly relate too
Thanks Deborah, I am glad you liked it. I think the more stories we hear the more we come to realize that our paths are more similar than we at first see.
Hi Michelle, thank you a very endearing article. It resonates with me in so many ways, in terms of getting out there and accepting who I am. I feel the same balance and confidence you do, however, I don’t think I have reached the same level as you. I believe CDH is helping me and through articles like this and the support I feel here I am very hopeful. Thanks again! Lisa
Hi Lisa, thank you, I am glad that it did resonate with you and more importantly that CDH is helping you on your journey. The end of May will mark my 2nd anniversary as a member of this warm and amazing community and I do not see any end in sight on being here.
Hugs,
Michelle
Thanks for sharing. I feel pretty much the same way.
Thank you , Shyanne. As I get to learn more I realize how much i keep my view of who I am continues to evolve, and as scary as it can be at times, I am glad that it does. – Michelle
Michelle, It is truly a treasure to have you and Gwenn as friends and I feel incredibly honored to be one of the few who have met you in person so far. My visit to y’all as part of the Cynvasion tour was so much fun, I’m scheduling return engagement if y’all will have me. And maybe this time we can do a day trip or even an overnight to Boston or somewhere out of town so Michelle can be free to go outside! Maybe even see if some other CDH member near y’all can met up. I can’t wait… Read more »
Thanks Cyn, I was honored to meet you and get to hang out. Maybe someday. I truly appreciate being friends and the late night discussions we have had. Look forward to more, though maybe a little earlier 😉
Skippy, so good to see you, I know you have been an inspiration to so many of the girls!!
You helped me once with a computer problem, you will always be my sister.
-Thank you for being here. XOO
Thanks Angela. I’m nothing special-I just try to help anyone I can.
Cyn
Michelle,
I enjoyed reading your article, and there are some feelings that echo my own. Hopefully we will get to meet and see some others from here next year!
-nat
Thank you Natalia. And I hope we do too. Here’s to 2021!
Thank you for sharing. It was very helpful to me. Someday i would like to go to Keystone also. Maybe we’ll meet someday. Liza
Thank you Liza. I am happy to hear that you found it to be helpful. And hope that we both get to got to and meet at Keystone. – Michelle