My journey of self-discovery started so long ago that I can’t even remember its beginning. It could mean that my feminine feelings and desires were baked in at the start. The phases I’ve gone through parallelled what I’ve read and seen from other women like me. My interest in girls’ things goes back to childhood, the feminine feelings throughout my adolescent and teen years (in varying intensity,) thinking I had outgrown it, thinking I had “Married it away,” only to have it come back, to trying on my wife’s clothing, buying my own things, eventually to coming out to my wife and gaining her acceptance, and the end?

Well not so fast, it seems that with every milestone I reach, I immediately start thinking of what’s next and how to push the envelope a little further. In the beginning, I dressed at home alone, and then later with my wife’s help. She helped me with clothes, makeup, accessories, pretty much everything. I needed a lot of help because my instincts were so bad. Being a typical trans woman, I tended toward dresses or skirts that were too short, lips that were too red, my hair being too long, too curly, or too blonde.

Fortunately for me, my wife was there to correct and redirect me when needed. Over the next year, my clothes became more age-appropriate, my makeup more practiced, and my mannerisms more feminine. Dressing at home with my wife became comfortable; to the point that I knew it didn’t bother her. I could even tell she was enjoying it more and more until one day she told me, “I like you better this way.”

My wife has always been a little bossy or directive, so I went with the flow, at least while I was dressed. For example, if her clothes were in the dryer, and I needed to use it (or even if I didn’t,) I would hang, fold, and put her clothes away for her. If our room was a little messy, I would straighten everything up while she was out. Whenever I dressed, I would find something to do that I knew she would like and would also save her from having to do it.

Maybe this was a bit manipulative, but I wanted her to associate my feminine side with being something positive for her. This seemed to satisfy me for about a year until the urge to go out started to hit me. Like a lot of girls, my first outing was to the gas station to fill up (how brave?) The next outing was the Wendy’s drive-through. I finally worked up the courage to go into a Walgreens, making sure it was one in a different part of the city. It took place during the pandemic when I wore a mask along with my dress and heels. I remember walking through the front door, my purse slung over my shoulder just as I practiced many times at home. I expected the Earth to spin off its axis, but nothing happened. Nothing except me picking out some lipstick, and standing in line to pay for it, and then getting back in my car.

EnFemme

Over the following weeks and months, I took every opportunity to get out. Sometimes, I would go in, and other times I chickened out, leaving without even getting out of my car. I started choosing my spots, such as TJ Maxx or CVS, usually going in the evenings about 30 minutes before closing time when virtually no one were in the store. Gradually, I began to go earlier when there were more people. I made it a point to buy something (even if I didn’t need it) just to stand in line with the rest of the women and pay. It may seem like small steps, but to me they represented progress.

In August of 2021, I started attending an affirming church. To my amazement, there were several in my area (Jackson, Mississippi). From the moment I walked through the door, my life changed for the better. In addition to the membership, which is 95% LGBTQIA+, I became connected to PFLAG, Capital City Pride, The Trans Program, and an organization where I can volunteer as a woman.

During these “Outings” what stood out the most was how no one seemed to care, even that no one seemed to notice. Over the last couple of years, I’ve been going pretty much anywhere, any time of day. Recently, I went to our neighborhood grocery store at 9:00 in the morning. Also, I’ve started asking my wife to make shopping lists, so I don’t rush in and rush out. It takes me a while to find what she wants, giving me time to search up and down the aisles. Once I have everything on her list, I select the longest line so that it takes longer to check out.

Just this morning, I was dressed and running some errands when my wife texted to tell me she had a prescription at CVS to pick up. “Why not?” I marched in, went to the pharmacy, and walked out with her prescription.

Just remember girls, it takes time to undo a lifetime of conditioning. We’ve all been taught that boys don’t wear dresses or makeup or other typically female items. Well, yes they do, yes we do, and yes I do.

My most enjoyable times are spent as a woman, especially with my wife as two women. Everything feminine makes me so happy; it’s hard to explain. So I’ll keep dressing, and I hope all of you will, too. Please ask me anything, I always love chatting with my girlfriends.

EnFemme

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Jill Edina
Lady
Active Member
1 month ago

Very sweet you are living a dream that many of us here only dream about!  Enjoy

Lauren Russell
Lady
Active Member
1 month ago

So true Suzanne!   I definitely feel like I have a lot to learn to overcome what was instilled in me during the time I was raised as a male.   Now that I am incorporating my femineity into my everyday life, I feel that the need to do this is more important.  I have learned a lot by observing women but I would love to have a CIS woman friend to help me move the process along faster.   

Julia Reynolds
Duchess
Active Member
1 month ago

I enjoyed reading your story, sounded just like mine!

Maive O'Neal
Lady
Active Member
1 month ago

@Suzanne Jeffries Your article hit a nerve, Suzanne. The conditioning we went through as we grew up was against everything I wanted. Even now I hear things my friends and relatives say about Trans people, and I cringe. It brings a brief shame to me knowing I am one of the people they dislike. I am very slowly accepting myself, even this late in my life. My wife is also starting to be a help and accepting. And as you state, yes, we do and yes, I do!!!!! Thank you for the article!

Kay Rodríguez
Baroness
1 month ago

@Suzanne Jeffries I have a very similar relationship with my wife.  She helps me a lot with my makeup and clothes.  She will definitely tell me if something doesn’t look good on me.  Lol
I really love that we’ve been able to move beyond the standard ‘husband and wife’ programming and make room for more of my femme caretaker nature to come forward.   
Thanks for sharing this beautiful experience with us. ❤️❤️

Alice Black
Duchess
Active Member
1 month ago

My wife is disabled so besides being the head of the household, I wind up doing all her jobs and of course, she likes it.

A question -you use the phrase new and improved me. I am wondering if a more appropriate phrasing is new and different. I think being more femme makes us more different for sure. Whether it improves us, is something more up in the air if you follow what I am saying.

Alice Black

Gail Rich
Lady
Member
1 month ago

@Suzanne Jeffries My first outing was also to fill up the tank with gas. Then I went to a McDonalds drive through, before working up the courage to go to a CVS, about a half hour before closing!

Angela Booth
Member
Trusted Member
1 month ago

Like you I started life knowing what I was and had all those conditioning elements thrown in, throwing those feminine feelings into the background. Then the coming out process that is like an apprenticeship where you have the enthusiasm but no idea. All the mannerisms have to be learned along with finding your style. Again, like me you had a good tutor and now you are where you want to be and how many years has it taken, was it worth it? Dang right it was and now is the time to make up for those lost years and live… Read more »

Alexandra Bertilsdaughter
Member

@Suzanne Jeffries Dear Suzanne, what a nice way to start the day, reading your words from my home in southern Sweden, sun pouring in through the window. I, like most of our group of girls, often think about the issues you pose. So, I consider this “Overcoming how we were programmed" as two issues:  1. Being imprinted, programmed and imbibed with societal and gender values. I was raised in a very conservative family, so I know of those issues. 2. Having enough introspective capacity (a strong, internal and caring viewer) to see how the values in #1. actually affect us… Read more »

Lea Foster
Lady
Member
1 month ago

@Alexandra Bertilsdaughter Thank you for your article and to you Alexandra for your response. I hac been consciously working on understanding my Anima for the past 4  years through an iterative process that involves self enquiry and the use of psychedelic therapy. It was relatively easy getting to know Lea and allowing her to express herself. By far the most difficult obstacles to overcome were the social conditioning and deeply embedded gender constructs and expectations. Even though I’ve been a feminist and a rebel since my teens, and even acted in atypical ways from most boys and men, I came… Read more »

Suzanne Martin
Member
Active Member
1 month ago

Suzanne –
Thank you for your article. Your story is an inspiration as to what can be. It is wonderful that your wife is so supporting.
XOXOSuzanne

Suzanne Martin
Member
Active Member
1 month ago

@Suzanne Jeffries You’re welcome.
XOXOSuzanne

Harriette
Lady
Active Member
1 month ago


 

it seems that with every milestone I reach, I immediately start thinking of what’s next and how to push the envelope a little further.

It may seem like small steps, but to me they represented progress.

it takes time to undo a lifetime of conditioning. 

 


A painter has to paint. A mechanic has to repair things. A teacher has to teach. A parent needs to learn how to be a better one.
If a girl doesn’t have an attainable goal, when does she become a woman?
 

Cassie Jayson
Duchess
Trusted Member
1 month ago

@sburnscoe  Interesting way your story comes to us, Suzanne. Your story is very similar to many here and divergent in other ways. Since my coming out was kind of forced on me, I told many people in my life pretty fast. Went shopping as Cassie early on,but the last store I went into was the Target store where I worked for 40 years. Fear of seeing former coworkers and coming out to them was a scary thing. But now I have been going there for about a year now, in fact I will be going shopping there in few minutes. … Read more »

Alexandra Bertilsdaughter
Member

@Suzanne Jeffries So true, so true. Also, I think that the deal is living inside me and, hang on, the deal is only between myself and myself, not myself and others. The others have nothing to do with it. Now, if “the others" choose to act in a non respectful way, well, that is an issue by itself and should be adressed in one of many ways, which is a topic by itself. Still, my experience is that othe very vast majority are accepting and some of this majority also loving. Why, the other day I was walking in the… Read more »

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