Spring is in the air…
Or is it?
Looking out my Iowa window, I see a group of Robins pecking through snow to find something to eat. This time last year, I was playing my first round of golf. I hope April Fools this year isn’t one for the ages. Every day I am reminded of where I no longer fit in. Sadly, most of those who matter to me don’t have a clue. I’m not talking about immediate family (my father has no clue, and my daughters can only speculate,) but the friends and acquaintances that I put up a front for.
It’s a matter of perspective; mine and theirs. Last night, I bowled with my team. I had on my pretty panties and if they got close enough, they might have caught a slight whiff of lingering perfume under the cover of my male cologne. On closer observation, they might even wonder why my eyebrows are so neatly cultivated compared to most others, or that I’m one of the few (midwestern bowlers) who are cleanly shaven and don’t wear a ball cap or baggy-butt jeans. Mine is a woman’s brand that at least tries to give me the appearance of having a rear end.
What would they think if they knew that only that morning, I was fully immersed in who I believe I really am? Of the group that I golf with and bowl with, I’m guessing one, maybe two would keep me as a friend and only one that would be seen with Brina (he’d even love it I could tee off from the lady’s tee in our best shot tournaments.) The other team I bowl on is a mixed team with three women, all of whom would support me, and one who just lost her wife to cancer. Is it my perspective, or theirs, that is truer? Would someone disappoint me, and another surprise me?
In every situation, we are guided by our personal beliefs, and how we perceive others will react. It would be safe to say that the majority of the time we are correct in both, but still have those exceptions—some more sad and others genuinely positive in the outcome versus expectations. If I take fear out of the equation, then I must judge potential consequences solely on perspective and experience. The expected reaction to the unexpected. As much as I’d love to rant about politics, I don’t need to. We all feel it and know that it’s broken; with no hope (soon) of getting fixed. Common sense has become a blurred happenstance rather than a purveyor of accommodation. In a world where we are supposed to be getting smarter, it feels as if we are becoming much dumber instead. It would be easy to blame technology, and it deserves its share of the blame. Not that there aren’t good people, families, and citizens, but those with the loudest voices seem to have the least amount of common sense.
Perspective… Is it just me that sees this or is it true to all who can take notice? Those who we elect to guide us, are they a reflection of our support, or did they morph into something else? What drives them? Who is it that wears the rose-colored glasses? I’m way past the glass is half-full or half-empty. I’m not even one of those who says, “At least I have a glass,” or “As long as it doesn’t have a hole in it.” Truthful perception has been severely skewed by those who exhibit the most agitation… until… they become one of those they condemn. What would those who attempt to control do when those they seek to limit become the loudest voice? I’m of course talking about the silent majority where common sense, manners, and understanding mostly still reside.
Out of work would be the answer. If the majority ever truly stood up and spoke, their lines forming for miles behind them, our leaders would back down and fade away. Please, by all means, Google away for yourselves. The US population as of 2021 is roughly 332 million 59% White-non-Hispanic. Latino-Hispanic make up 18.9% and Black 12.6% (both slightly up from 2010). Does the percentage surprise you? In the same token, those who now state they identify with LGBTQ are currently at 7.1% and that doesn’t include us Crossdressers… hmmm. Which group do you think had the biggest increase over the last 11 years? What if the choice were simply, “Traditional Male (identifies as male, sexual orientation towards traditional female)” “Traditional Female (Identifies as female, sexual orientation to traditional males)” and “Other (identifies as a version of either female or male, sexual orientation is open)” my how the numbers might explode and tell the real story. Truthfully, I think both assessments should be scrapped and put into the “Who cares and why should it matter” garbage bin.
All rights, all benefits, should foremost be constructed to individual rights as humans, secondly for being a citizen of the US. Anyone who is within our borders deserves a certain level of dignity and respect, but that doesn’t guarantee you American benefits. Becoming an American has meaning, as does and should it be being an Iowan, Mississippian, Californian, or other. Next comes the communities and then anything smaller. An application for work will list the criteria and nothing more. Must be able to lift 50#s, be certified in accounting, have previous experience in catering, etc. Age, sex, orientation, race, etc. shouldn’t matter. Maybe all applications should be assigned an anonymous number and then processed based on matching work criterion with experience. Imagine if we elected all our officials and politicians this way… (***This is true if I were a citizen outside of the US. The world should recognize individual human rights first.)
Perspective: how the world could work instead of how it does, and why we’ll never be able to change it. The American heritage has always been in finding their excellence at achieving that which couldn’t, allowing for the individual to rise up, and for enabling freedom for all. Is it still? Has it turned into I deserve, and you don’t. It starts at the top in every aspect and in every manner in which they try to claim and preserve power. They play on ignorance and fear, propagate falsehoods, and outright lie for their own benefit. It’s not just Americans, it’s happening everywhere.
Quote by Abraham Lincoln: “Every man’s happiness is his own responsibility.” Has a saying ever morphed into a more disingenuous meaning? Some take it to mean that I should do what makes me happy regardless of how it affects another. Today, the mantra is: “Only you are responsible for your own happiness.” I’m sorry, but those people never met my ex-wife. She literally sucked happiness out of the room the moment she walked in. My daughters would both attest to this. How does one choose to be happy in that situation? Can they? I could speculate on how it might have gone, and all I see are worse consequences for everyone. Leave… I get it, the most common answer, but what about the aftermath done to family, money issues, etc? How do you weigh the choice? See what I mean? You might think that I am a pessimist, but in reality, I’m an optimistic realist. (Happy to have a glass and happy to put most anything, mostly nutritious in it.) Leaving her didn’t instantly make me happy. I seriously tried to do and be everything that I thought would make her happy, that was my worst mistake, as I believe that what the phrase really means is that you can’t make someone happy who doesn’t want happiness, but you can surely make them miserable.
My perspective, when closely looking at this crossdressing lifestyle; I once thought I was broken and unworthy of love or understanding. I still am scarred by the detrimental effects it had on my first marriage and other, or lack of current, relationships. In the tradeoff, I’ve found an aspect of me that I’m at peace with, admire, am surprised by, and now fully accept. I don’t know what my future will hold or how others will perceive me, but I will live it with the glass full of wine or a tasty craft beer, never to run empty for long.
Until next time… see yourself in the best possible light, learn to be kinder to yourself, and you will find kindness to others and from others easier to give an accept. Allow your perspective to grow and see beyond the reflection in the mirror.
Brina
Brina, you bring up some very good points here, as you do in all your articles. There are so many friends that I would love to share Sherri with but then I feel like there are those who would totally accept me and those who would feel I would loose their trust for keeping Sherri from them. Almost like I was mocking them for being so Sherri right in front of them but still hiding her from them. I’m now at a point where it’s not," I just don’t care what they think", but I’m tired of hiding it, the… Read more »
My purpose in writing this article was to help us see that we are connected to what is going on in the world. It isn’t just about what it means to me to be a CD but to everyone. How can I, we change the perspective that others have? I grew up with, and remember it being taught in school as well, the “Golden Rule." Today that must mean seeing how badly you treat others and how much you can get away with in maximizing your position or status. I once felt that the silent majority was about to speak,… Read more »
Again I agree with you Brina.
Thank you Brina, You’ve certainly been wearing your thinking cap, but at the same time, listening to your heart. It is interesting that so much of what you’ve pointed out has also been on my mind and definitely been tugging at my heart. As you know, I am a trans woman, and this past year of living my life as Lauren has caused me to do much reflecting on my life, and just how I fit into the entire picture. I know that transitioning has, for me, almost been like a heart transplant. I didn’t like the old me, never… Read more »
Lauren,
Thanks for sharing and for the insights. I can relate to the picture you describe of your past self. I felt that way the more I fought against myself. Acceptance, for me, brought me towards the person that I am today (although, I might not yet be who I will become) and helped me take off my own mud encrusted glasses.
I raise my glass to yours!
Do I sense the time has come to further Brina into her social world hence the wide spectrum of thoughts around making the decision. The hints have been dropped and no one has overtly noticed or made comment and you are probably screaming inside. You have covered the anticipated reactions and made your assumptions with the social, personal and stereotypical reasons to acceptance or rejection. I know from experience how difficult it is and how long it took to come out to my family. It went as good as hoped and led me onto from there so I can be… Read more »
Thank you for the support and kind nudge. I’ve readied myself that a time to be is coming sooner than later. Where, how, and when are the formalities. I still have no idea as to the extent, but I do know that I will be “Out" more and to what that might entail. Still, mostly I write and share as therapy, for myself and others. I have more “settledness" on where I’m going; I hope to help others find some comfort in allowing themselves to just be, find acceptance in this life with some kindness to themselves. Again, thanks for… Read more »
My ex was like yours. Laboring with the belief she was chronically depressed and unable to participate in life. I became the enabler. She became the manipulator. Took 19 yrs but the last two were liberating for me.
I remember a phrase that I often say to myself.
Those that matter, don’t mind and those that mind don’t matter.
The world is full of great sayings that run so deep in meaning. That’s another one. My ex was the hibernating bear that I nudged to wake up and then hit with a stick only to run for my life. I’ve always tried to be a builder to others, giving support and helping them grow. I bet we could swap some stories… Thak you for sharing and commenting.
That conversation might take a lot of alcohol but I’m sure it would be a good one.
Lovely article. How sweet.
Thanks! 🙂
such a great perspective and I relate to so much of it. Thank you for putting into words what I feel.
It’s what I try to be here for 🙂 Thanks for reading and commenting.
Brina, thank you for this article. I needed to read this.
Thanks for the PM and for commenting!
Your article is beautiful
I’m finding out more and more friends are understanding of my crossdressing
I love your article
Thank you! I appreciate you saying so. 🙂
Brina: What an interesting and thought provocative expression of inner thoughts and feelings. I could tell that we would make fast friends if we ever met. It seems to me that you have the same line of thoughts and feelings that I have. For me, I long for the day where race, religion, gender, sexual orientation, and yes, gender identity is no more significant than the color of one’s eyes or one’s hair. For me, the thing that I find that helps to give me a sense of perspective in all of this is imaging being at a hospital nursery… Read more »
Great comments and additional insights, you happened to key in on one of my undercurrents; we also need to modify our perspective. Not in giving in or standing up taller but in how we act towards others. This overriding issue isn’t something we can choose to participate in when it just benefits us.Thank you for the comments!
Hi Brina! I so enjoyed reading your article and especially your experiences while bowling. Your mention of lingering perfume, your unseen pretty panties under your jeans that actually do fit properly!!! Add to that your clean shaven face, and how uniquely you must carry yourself, I found absolutely charming! You sound like an absolute delight and a refreshing addition to any bowling event or round of golf. It would be wonderful to have you in my neighborhood Brina!!! BTW, I would love to find out your choice of jeans as I rely upon some padding to fill out my guy… Read more »
I figured out my waist and length converted to women’s jeans (trial and error) and have bought them in thrift, new, and on eBay. It depends on what style you like and how they fit. Also, if the plan is to wear them drab. I want a pair that doesn’t draw attention. The only real issue that bugs me is front pockets. Many come with short front pockets and that is where I (male) like to carry my phone. I don’t care for high waisted underwear or jeans. My 36-inch waist and 32-inch inseam fits me best in a size… Read more »
Brina, Thanks so much!! Those measurements & the size info helps me a lot!!!