Of Ins and Outs

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by gemmalovegood
March 14, 2023 in

When reflecting upon my “origin story” weekend (thanks for that term Angela Wagner) two things came to mind: the many ins and outs. First, what was inside of me was finally out. Gemma, had never been fully realized. Yes, I’ve worn girls clothes for decades, but that girl in the room had never had an identity. But here she was standing in the room. She was out! The vision, the desires, the hopes and dreams all moved from internal fears to external expressions of self love. Too, and for the first time ever, I left the inside of a private interior, to the outside within the real world. That first step outdoors was so scary! Yet, the sun was warm on my blushed cheeks and rosy red lips. I blinked painted eyes from the glare of the sun, and felt the cool air rush in under my skirt (an unexpected sensation)! This dress too had its ins and outs. I knew I wanted this dress to be the last dress of several that I stepped into on my first weekend out. After spending two days stepping in and out of dresses and matching lingerie, and of sliding heels on and off, this look would be my last of the weekend. I learned and experienced so much. Like, who knew how difficult it would be to zip a zipper by yourself? I certainly didn’t! Girl, the struggle is REAL!!! Getting in and out of this dress required nothing short of gymnastic flexibility and female ingenuity. But I did not give up, and I’m so very glad to have had this experience. In the end, this was a coming out party of one, now shared with those who are in the know and understand the most. -Gemma💋

Gemma Lovegood

Shy and kind closeted straight crossdresser. I started dressing very young (around 10), wearing my mother’s and sister’s things when I was alone. In my 20s I lived alone, and purchased several things of my own, including makeup. I worked for a gay man, and became a close friend of his, though I was and still am very straight. I went to several gay bars with him, and encountered many CDs, drag queens, and the full spectrum of the LGBTQ+ community. But, I could never find the courage to come out to him as a CD. I’m married for over two decades now and have never revealed my secret to my wife. We have countless gay friends (male and female), but I’ve never revealed myself to any of them. It seems strange, and is one of my biggest regrets. I’ve lived so long with this secret that it feels like I’ve passed a point of no return. Perhaps one day I’ll find the courage. I’m grateful for all of the friends and discussions I’ve had with others like me here at CDH. It truly feels therapeutic, and I’ve grown to accept these desires that I have, and to realize there are so many like me in the world. That gives me great peace.