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by aprilcdmf
in

Just enjoying a wonderful time out this photo was upstairs at Roscoes in Sacramento full of old framed posters of photos, magazines covers, album covers so many unique classic and stylish things to see and would be a great place to have a party up there too as they have tables and a full bar.

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EnFemme

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April Sinclair

I am a crossdresser who has had these unique thoughts and desires at numerous times throughout my life that has brought me here to CDH. I am attracted to and love beautiful sexy women and their femininity. It also feels exciting and intoxicating yet relaxing at times to get dressed up to look beautiful, pretty, and or sexy which I enjoy, it brings a sense of anxiousness and relaxation when dressed at the same time. it is all very difficult for me to explain. Here is my Hello to CDH Hello my name is April a fifty something male to female crossdresser who has been married twice the first marriage ended due to my crossdressing and her infidelity. I am a heterosexual male who enjoys dressing as a woman to emulate and show my appreciation of feminine traits and beauty. I like to dress and be transformed to look as authentic and as attractive as a woman as possible and my dressing as April it is a part of me that makes me who I am and honestly gives me balance as a man I am now more understanding of other people and am a better man and human being for it. Having struggled for most of of my life wondering and wanting to know why I have the desire to dress as a woman thinking what is wrong with me is there a chromosome issue or a hormone wash while in the womb did something happen to me as a child I certainly don’t remember anything happening to me when I was young. While speaking with a therapist I had been seeing for anger, frustration with work and life challenges including relationships that had failed and lastly crossdressing the WHY??????? I do it, why the desire wanting the understanding of why I am the way I am it would make it easier to live with if I knew why I kept doing this and then felt shameful or guilty afterwards. I was challenged by my therapist to look at things differently, instead of the why (I am the way I am, a transvestite or crossdresser and hating myself for it, I was ridden with guilt and shame embarrassed and most definitely an overwhelming urge to shake that and just be a man. I was overcompensating for my shame and guilt that I felt, with frustration, anger, and not backing down ever always wanting to win all verbal discussions at work in a type A atmosphere and field and having to be right in all things and express my opinions. To fight every battle at work in life and relationships too I was to competitive. My therapist suggested why not take a different approach instead of obsessing with why as most never know why. How about try some self acceptance that this is a part of who you are, a good part and if I could learn to accept myself I might see the good parts and what is does for me. Accept that this is not only a part of who I am but it is an essential part of who I am. Why not try to allow some of those qualities of women that I do admire and respect that are positive things I see to come forward. All people are dealt different challenges obstacles or (demons)in life, and different blessings some may say vices addiction or bad qualities or even sins. It doesn’t have to bad that I dress I am not trying to hurt people or those I love and care about. Even though I am attracted to the physical attributes of beautiful feminine women and their sexuality there are many other great qualities that I knew when asked to identify non physical or attractive traits. Traits in women in my life such as my mother, relatives, girlfriends, women at work or female supervisors, teachers and others in society or history, what about them do I admire or respect and wish that I could emulate in my life or that I see as value good characteristics. Not the bad qualities. 1-Being a good listener 2-First step to be a good communicator being able to listen 3-Being Kind or Friendly 4-Sacrifice always giving doing for others family, friends, those less fortunate 5-Caring about good things and people 7-Having Fun Laughing Enjoying Life 8-Stepping outside a comfort zone being adventurous 9-Sharing ability and Love of Cooking 10-Not afraid to experience new things to give things a try 11-Loving unconditionally my Mom did that always 12-Inner strength and having the fortitude to fight to get a fair shake in many things. 13-endurance 14-perseverance These are some of the qualities and characteristics of women who I respect a great deal. The counselor said I already have some of those qualities that she has seen and or heard about in our conversations. I have had unexplained desires in some way ever since being at a get together of about 5 or 6 families there were about 15 to 20 kids from about 3 to 13 and a boy went into a sliding door closet and opened the door he was wearing a red frilly dress with white lace to accentuate the dress. One boy tried it on then another tried on the dress I was 5 to 7 at the time I do not remember. I was the 5th the boy to then go in the closet and try on the dress. In some manner crossdressing has been prevalent in some way of my life since age 6 or 7 that I can remember trying on my mothers shoes a few times when no one was around I never tried on her clothes that just seemed off limits to me. I was also mesmerized by a friend of mine who around age 9 or was dressed by his sister for a Halloween Carnival at our Elementary school he was wearing a white lace dress with a matching hat over a wig and was carrying a lace umbrella she had done his makeup and he look just like a girl he called my name a few times and I had no clue who it was until he walked right up to me and said his name. It seemed weird to me that he could look just like a beautiful young teenage girl. While growing up my male personal insecurities became more prevalent as I reached Junior High age and my physical attraction to girls and women became stronger as some where so good looking I was enamored by them. I was tall and skinny and a bit awkward was called too tall and bones by others. I lacked confidence then talking to pretty girls. Around 8th or 9 th grade I saw female impersonators on Entertainment Tonight and and I could not believe how beautiful some looked on the tv seeing how men could actually look like women definitely created a strong desire to look that way in my mind as I believe my lack of confidence to speak or ask any girls out it was hard to even talk to them. The impersonators via some kind of proxy in my young mind deep down I had a desire to look like those I saw impersonating women. I also had gone to a swim party with some friends and one of the boys had gone inside the house with a couple of girls and came back outside wearing a girls bathing suit that looked like a two piece bikini type suit and they had done his face with makeup it was strange to me that he looked better than over half the girls at the swim party. In my mind I wondered what it would feel like to look that way he was getting some laughs but tons of attention from the girls at the swim party. Although for me there was a strong sexual attraction to crossdressing and stories of forced feminization. Maybe a way in my mind for it to be ok as it was not by choice the man or boy was forced to be dressed as a girl or woman. I was excited by the male having to dress as a girl or woman when things became sexual into the role of the typical female that would be a turn off to me. When dressed the as a woman or girl the make would then get to have sexual relations with the real girl that seemed amazingly erotic to me. I never ever eliminated the thoughts or desire to someday dress from my mind or inner self for long periods of time. I have other events I can share with others at a later time as we all of unique stories or events in each of our lives these are just some events that all contributed in my mind for my desire to crossdress. On my road to self acceptance after having dressed to the best of my ability at home secretly and always being ridden with guilt and shame afterwords. I had collected some clothing that I had purchased along with shoes and small Breastforms and some panties and a couple of bras but I was disgusted with myself and wound up completely purging all belongings several times the items I had collected. After speaking with my therapist in late 2016 to try self acceptance instead of the harmful cycle of self hatred and shame and frustration of dressing and wanting to know the why. I finally made the step In early October in 2017 I called Amy from Be You Just You in Las Vegas for a complete Real Woman makeover as I wanted to step out of the darkness and pit of self hatred and shame after about 6 months of having worked on my attitude with the therapist towards self acceptance I feel I needed to see what this really was and how I could really look so I made the appointment to go to Las Vegas. In short I called her back and canceled the Real Woman transformation appointment schedule for the shop along with photos. I had instead asked if she knew of any events in Las Vegas that I could attend as I felt I needed a bigger step to help accept myself and what was bigger then being in public dressed as a woman. She said she was having a Halloween get together for a couple of days. She asked if I would like to come to the event; scared to death I took the step to attend in Las Vegas at the Artisan Hotel as I was needing that for my own personal acceptance and validation that I was ok and not alone she said there are plenty of other men and most are straight. Prior to the party I stopped at her shop and met her in person I brought a suit case full of things so she could help me know what would be best to wear for the first time out as I was passing through Las Vegas to go visit family for a week and would pass back through on my way home and attend the party. After Amy finished a makeover of another man she took the time to talk to me and answer several questions I had like how much exposure would people be able recognize me, if there was a sexual component as 95% of the time at home there was ending in masturbation how could I go out in public and be sporting wood so to speak. Amy put my mind at ease some by answering all my questions and telling me there are so many men who are just like me and for almost all it is not sexual when out in public. There may be when getting dressed after a few minutes as there are other people around and your mind goes to other things she said I really dont think you need to worry about that. She was so right to say the least and I am thankful for her kind heart and understanding or crossdressers and men who may want to transition she helps all realize who they are and what they can look like and their is such a wide range of crossdressers. Amy was booked with makeup transformations for the party my first night out in public so I called a makeup company that did weddings and paid a $125 for an artist to come to my hotel room and give me my first true transformation it went well for being nervous but the woman put me at ease saying she and another girl have done several transformations of men to women I relaxed finally hearing that and upon completion I was shocked how I looked she was very friendly and said I looked great and then left saying enjoy yourself your doing nothing wrong by dressing and wanting to feel pretty and some women even find it a turn on. Then It was surreal I was scared to death being in public about 25 of us met in the lobby and got on a bus to a karaoke bar the first night out. A gangster party murder mystery the next night we’re about 40 attended. Amy did my makeup for the party I met so many nice people I met others similar or like me, I WAS NOT ALONE IN THE WORLD. I was not a freak a pervert or some nut job. It felt great to not feel ashamed isolated or alone. I had a wonderful time a memorable time. Talking to many different people ex military, a fireman, lawyer, a businessman all walks of life and different careers. Having gone out I had fun and it was not sexual for me. My first wife knew and was good with dressing for awhile then tried to out me publicly after wanting a divorce to use it to get the kids full time. My second wife knew of my dressing before our marriage as the ex told her, first trying to destroy our relationship, I do not think at the time either of us honestly knew how much my dressing would go or progress as that was prior to my self acceptance. She said we all have a kink and thats fine. It is very clear to me now though that I am a heterosexual man who is attracted to women, but loves to dress as a woman several times a year and attend some public events as April. My second wife knew of April has seen April she even attended a few CD Events with April, she preferred to not see me dressed but she did understand too a degree that it is a part of me although for the most part she did not encourage my dressing or give any compliments. My second wife was able to have fun a few times when we had gone out. It was a better situation than many here have and I would always let her know when I would dress as neither of us need any surprises from those I do not want to share with. Our relationship ended up not working out for other reasons however it never goes away the desire goes dormant and then always returns. I would say crossdressing was probably 15% of the reasons I ended the relationship. I will share more later I am here to meet others and find friends to be able to share a part of me to help others as I do not want anyone to suffer a day longer than they already have. Hopefully this long profile helps others. Thanks April Sinclair

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    JackieBoy
    Baroness
    Famed Member
    9 months ago

    Lovely presentation

    Melissa Honey
    Lady
    Active Member
    8 months ago

    I enjoyed reading your latest post. I think many of us have experienced similar situations. Knowing others have gone through this as well only helps to make you realize you are not alone, you are okay, you have a right to be who you want to be.

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