Passing as a woman is not the most important part of crossdressing

This is the final installment of my posts addressing the questions put to me by a beautiful friend here at Crossdresser Heaven.  You can also read Pondering Life as a Crossdresser Part I and Part II. Tonight I summarise my thoughts and feelings about the things she raised..

When I stand in front of the mirror to apply my makeup I am in no doubt who I am. I know my 60 years have not necessarily been kind to my face, particularly since I only really started to look after it properly after I came out to my wife. I detest the word “passing” because I think it causes too much grief for those of us who have a distinctly masculine shape or appearance. Once you get your head around the idea that passing is as much a frame of mind as anything else then life gets easier. I doubt anyone who sees me as Jane thinks I’m a genetic female but the reactions I usually get are at worst a bit curious and at best outright respectful and polite. If you dress well and appropriately for your age, make a good effort with your makeup and then present with a display of happiness and confidence then things are more likely to go well. I do say ‘display of happiness and confidence’ because I know it can be easier said than done but after those first few tentative ventures out into ‘the wider world’ it does actually get easier.

Despite the fact that there are many similarities along the way each of us has out own path to tread. We can seek help and encouragement from others but in the end it is we as individuals who have to make the decisions about where our journey takes us. There is no ‘right’ destination. No outcome is ‘the’ outcome. What we should be looking for is the destination best for the ‘me’ in our lives.

My friends I believe that you should happy with who you are. You have all struggled in many ways to get to where you are now so enjoy the benefits of those efforts. Embrace everything about the wonderful person you’ve identified and let her be the guide to your journey from here. We here at CDH will be here for whatever help and encouragement we can provide. If something should go wrong when you’re out and about do not be discouraged. Nothing in life is 100% successful. Work out what happened, what you might have done differently and work from there. Just like for the good times, we’ll be here for the bad ones as well. That’s what friends do for each other.

Let me finish with an anecdote of my very first adventure in public. I went for a makeover weekend and had a wonderful time being made up and being helped to dress in all manner of outfits for some photos. At the end of the Saturday afternoon I was asked to choose an outfit I wanted to wear out to dinner. I was a bit stunned and instantly terrified of the concept. I saw a huge difference between being with a couple who knew and understood how I felt about being a CD (though just knocking on their door that morning was a bit step) to going with them out into the big bad world. After I expressed my fears they suggested that we’d just get a take-away meal but that I still had to go with them to pick it up. We got to the restaurant and my tummy was a mass of butterflies but just before we went into the restaurant I was told that if I really didn’t want to do it they were okay if I stayed in the car. By that point though I knew I’d hate myself if I didn’t go in so I told them I was fine.

Anyway I approached the restaurant expecting that everyone in there would see me come in, turn to stare and have a really good look and maybe a laugh. We opened the door, stepped in and… nothing. The other patrons went on about their meal, the girl behind the counter smiled and said a pleasant “Good evening” and we stood for a few moments while she fetched our order. She handed it over, we paid and I walked out carrying the meal. The sky had not fallen one tiny bit and in hindsight I was actually a bit disappointed that after I’d made so much effort to look nice no-one even noticed me beyond being just another person.

Ladies your feminine persona is a very important part of the world now so just let her enjoy life. You deserve it.

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  1. Patricia Marie Allen 12 months ago

    I know I’m extremely late in my response, I only just now perused the end of your very insightful post.

    I too don’t like passing. Acceptance is far better than passing. If you only pass, you live in fear of people discovering you secret. If they already know and accept, then there’s no reason not to let your hair down and just be yourself.

    I’m retired as well and find that I spend 99% of my time letting Patricia out. So much so that I never really wear men’s clothes anymore. In the rare (once a week for church) time that I need to have others perceive me as the average male, I simply go butch and wear slacks, and a “big shirt.” The slacks I wear have no fly or back pockets and the “big shirt” (from Woman Within) buttons on the distaff side.

    Likewise, I’ve gotten bolder in my disregard of fear of being outed. My shoes that I wear to church are more feminine than they were three or four years ago and I’ve quit wearing the trouser socks I started with in favor of knee-high’s mostly in “Jet Black.” But if I’m wearing my ankle boots, (my wife’s least favorite shoe for me to wear when she with me) I go for nude or suntan.

  2. dizzylizzy 1 year ago

    I know going out in public is really scary as it was with me thank God I was with friends after seeing no one making a fuss over me or how I looked it was much more relaxing.

  3. Gloria Janine 2 years ago

    Reading your story it appears that you and I are almost living in a parallel world all be it about 500 k’s apart. Similar age, circumstances (retired comfortably) and an accepting wife (well almost) who helps with choice of clothing etc. At home it is almost 24/7 wearing female attire with some make-up most of the time. Had my ears pierced many years ago and get my acrylic nails done every fortnight, and my eyebrows waxed and tinted every other month, Just love the pampering. Have been out by myself many times to clubs and shopping malls, but it was more fun when going out shopping dressed with my sister and wife in Brisbane (Australia). Your comments have hit the nail right on the head. Your writings are an inspiration to like minded people. Enjoy you life and we will try to do the same and follow the footsteps of femininity.

  4. Erica 2 years ago

    Thank you for the articles. I love and embrace who I am. I love going out (2 twice a month) and am not afraid to go anywhere. I just really, really struggle with telling my wife. Every time I try I chicken out. Although I know it took me 59 years to accept who I am and embrace it, it may take awhile for me to tell her.

  5. JaneS 2 years ago

    Thank you Steffie. Yes, our voice is frequently something of an issue but I’ve found that trying to focus on using an ‘inside voice’ – that is, speaking a bit more quietly and softly – can help. As I said, no-one is likely to think I’m a genetic female so a softer male voice tends to do the job. I’m sure you’ll soon venture well beyond the movies and the mall. Have fun doing so.

  6. SteffieC 2 years ago

    Jane – All three articles were wonderful. I am glad that you are in the place you are. I hope to be there one day. I can go out but only to like the movies and maybe the mall. My voice is always a problem. Thanks for being an inspiration,

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