Pretty Panty Cage Match: Joe Camel vs Victoria’s Secrets

Until recently, I believed that my husband dressed, on occasion, as a woman because it was a kink of his that I didn’t quite understand. Now that he has come out, we have Michayla Rockwell in our lives. Michayla was very unwelcome in my life and our home in the beginning. I felt, in many ways, that she had barged into our lives much like the proverbial bull in a china shop. Acceptance is a journey and while I have my bad days and moments, I am finding Michayla to be “extra” in our relationship, and in reality, she’s always been there. I just didn’t know it.

Our anniversary is coming up and I had no idea what to get my husband. Luckily, I know Michayla could use a couple of things, so I took it upon myself to go to the mall to buy her some nice gifts. I hate shopping and I especially hate the mall, so that gesture alone should be a compelling statement of my love and devotion.

My husband has a small collection of panties. They are not worn daily, but often enough that he could use a larger selection. The panties he does have came from Target that he bought for himself. I believe Victoria’s Secret to be the Holy Grail of pretty panties, so I went on a quest most noble in search of just that.

I felt strange heading into Victoria’s Secret with panties for Michayla on my mind. Michayla can be picky and I worried that I would pick the wrong ones. I know Michayla prefers lace and she needs a larger gusset panty to at least somewhat accommodate her male… accouterments. I walked around the store wondering if I was the only woman there buying panties for her husband. Has the staff ever helped a woman buy panties for her husband before? Has the staff ever knowingly helped a man buy panties for himself? I watched the other ladies in the store wondering if they were shopping for themselves or someone else. I felt like everyone was watching me as if they knew what I was up to, but I reminded myself that they weren’t looking at me and they weren’t reading my mind. In which case, unless there was a mind reader at the store, they didn’t let on that they were reading my thoughts.

I moved all around the store, picking up panties and examining them. I was overwhelmed by the selection and I wanted to get ones that checked all of Michayla’s boxes. The cotton panties, plain panties, and thongs were out of the question but that still left a sea of possibilities. As I picked up each pair I wondered, is this a good color? Is this enough lace? Is this too much lace? And most importantly, can this pair hold a dick and balls? I imagined my husband’s gorgeous man parts in each pair that I studied, deciding if they were up for the task of holding his finest of assets. A mental image of Joe Camel came to mind. I wondered what to say if an employee asked me if I needed help. Surely I would simply say “no, thank you,” but other options entered my mind such as “I’m here to buy panties for my husband, my husband likes panties, my husband is a crossdresser,” and “can you point me towards the pretty lace panties that can accommodate a dick and balls?” I imagined what their face would look like if I said any of those things and it brought a smile to my face. I might have to say one of those things just for the amusement and sheer shock value of it.

I remembered that Michayla said that boy shorts are a style that fits well. I tried to find boy shorts in the store but there weren’t any to be had. It dawned on me during this noble quest that boy shorts, for a crossdresser, is a bit of an oxymoron. My husband will only wear panties made specifically for women and yet he likes boy shorts because of the way they fit. Boy shorts. My husband said he wouldn’t wear men’s panties no matter how pretty and yet he will wear ladies panties that are called boy shorts. I’ve come to understand that there are many things that I am just not going to understand. I realize that boy shorts are a style made for women but I find it amusing nonetheless.

When I got home, I made a point to complain to my husband about how hard it is to buy panties for a man at Victoria’s Secret. We revisited the notion that most crossdressers will only wear panties made for women. I reiterated that panties made for men would fit better and he can still feel like a pretty princess without the distraction of his lovely bits slipping out or holding them too snuggly. I postulated that this issue of slipping or smashing would detract from the overall feminine feeling much like ill-fitting clothing makes me feel like a busted can of biscuits rather than an attractive woman. I hypothesized a way to market pretty panties that would fit better. I decided I would need to create a new line of panties that caters to this particular niche. This is how “Betty Rockwell’s Fat Fupa Panties for Real Women” came to be. You’re welcome.

I ended up buying three pairs of panties at Victoria’s Secret, a little black dress from Macy’s, three pairs of clip-on dangle earrings, one necklace with an “M” on it, and four pairs of panties from Target, and two new colors of nail polish. I hope that my husband will love the things that I spent so much time picking out and even if he doesn’t, I know the gesture alone is a gift in itself.