I’ve written several articles for this site; most are my own musings about who I am and where I fit in. I write to find myself, and I write to help others think through their own situations and feelings. As an introvert by nature, I sit back and take it all in, process it, try to make sense out of it, and then with what reasoning and commonsense that I have, I try to put it into relevant context. I’m not a professional by any means, but I have been around the block and I am very empathetic by nature. So take me for what I am, and my words for reflection.

As a young boy, I saw my first pair of pink satin panties on a girl in church. I was captivated because I could see them, and by the fact that I wanted them. The thought was there and then it was gone, because I was a boy and I wore tighty whities. However, the older I became, the more the obsession grew and morphed. From high heels and nylons, to lingerie and corsets, to tight dresses and long red nails and lips, and finally to where I am today…the whole package of femininity. It’s progressed from a fetish (which was more of a symptom of what I am) to an understanding that I am a complex person of blended genders. I still don’t know completely who I am or who I’ll eventually become and die as, and truthfully, I care less about it every day as I just try to live kindly as me. 

I had a first this past week. I wore my pretty pink panties to church. It isn’t the first time I’ve worn them there, but it was the first time that I didn’t stress over wearing them—a huge difference. I’ve pretty much given up my male underwear this year, started wearing mostly women’s jeans and shorts, done as many little feminizing things as I can and still appear mostly male. I keep my face and body clean shaven, (arms and legs during cold months), my face and body moisturized, wear neutral cologne, use female shower and body products, tweeze my eyebrows (nose, lips, ears…ugh…), and keep my nails longer and more feminine. For now, it’s enough. It won’t be in the future as each day moves me further along the path I walk. I’ve come so far from the need to wear a pair of heels for gratification to finding the inner calmness that comes from expressing the female in me that is important to my sanity and happiness.

Unleash Your Inner Woman

I know what the bible says about crossdressers, but it also speaks to forgiveness and acceptance. I find it hard to believe that when I stand at the pearly gates I will be judged by the clothes I wore and not by the deeds I’ve done. I’ll leave it at that. For the better part of my life, I’ve felt unworthy. The stigma of what I was, what I’ve done because of this need in me, and to what I’m becoming, has caused depression, anxiety, remorse, frustration, shame, guilt, doubt, denial, obsession, longing, and every other negative feeling imaginable.  Sunday, in church, I didn’t have those feelings; I felt normal.  I didn’t even think about them. Maybe in a church far away, someday, I’ll wear my Sunday dress and raise my hands to the heavens as I sing Alleluia.

I read everyone’s articles on Crossdresser Heaven, and most of the comments left by others, and I have my own way of playing my part in this community. I try my best to friend the new girls as they post a picture—my way of saying hello and reaching out and giving back.  I’m not into chat—that introvert in me. I like to process before replying, so it’s email and PM for me.  We are under one huge umbrella called crossdressers—a term that I think is unfriendly and becoming obsolete. When you do your profile, there are so many choices. For me, it could change daily. As with everything else, there are the end points and the middle on our spectrum and on the much larger line of male vs. female. I believe we are at the center of that larger line and our middle is expanding outward. Whether this is because of genetics, or intake of animal hormones through milk or whatever, it doesn’t matter. We are growing in numbers and one day the world will adapt and become a more tolerant place…or it won’t. If it does, it will be because we have stepped out of the closet and lifted our hands in the air as we sing along with those who see us as the people we are and not by the clothes we wear.  

When you get the chance…live kindly.

Brina MacTavish

 

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Sabrina (Brina) MacTavish

Brina is from Iowa, and she is steadily learning how to merge her two halves into one whole. Still closeted after 40 years, she hopes to one-day walk freely and confidently in the open. She spends most of her time working as a self-published novelist under both personas.

Latest posts by Sabrina (Brina) MacTavish (see all)

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77 Comments
  1. Stef Smith 9 months ago

    I battle with lingerie bras and panties at church mostly NOT wearing them there
    I ve done it but always feel funny about it
    Anyway i have some male lingerie from homme mystere and xdress-and to me MAle lingerie is like female jeans
    They’re for men so how can it be crossdressing?
    I m fine in my gender and my sex but I love feeling sexy and pretty and feeling good
    Panties bras stockings (thigh highs in the winter keep my legs warm) polishing my toes make me feel good
    So i wear what i want underneath
    Mix it up on the outerwear
    Polish my toes
    Shave my body (except the chest hair , i have to keep it trimmed, my wife likes chest hair. Its the least I can do since she lets me wear panties and paint my toes)

    Womens jeans fit me better (its just denim)
    Now shoes i wish I could wear my heels maybe one day

    • Author

      Stef,

      I love your perspective–male and female clothes are made from the same material. I, too love the feeling of feminine attire, especially during the time (winter) when I shave my legs. The sensation of whatever I’m wearing is enhanced by not having hairy legs.

      Thanks for the comments!

      Brina

  2. Laura Lovett 9 months ago

    Lovely reflection, Brina – thank you.

    I like to read everything that the other ladies post here too – I like seeing all the different perspectives, which, in turn, help me focus on my own.

    It’s already changed my perspective on what I previously saw as a bit of an anti-social hobby into what I now see as a way of life to help and inspire others.

    How many countless thousands – maybe millions hide because of something harmless?

    In fact, it’s not simply harmless – the more I bring myself out, the more positive effects I see in others around me.

    Although my SO does not like it, she agreed that the effects are overwhelmingly positive, which in turn makes her feel happier – I hope I detect a little acceptance forming in her!!!

    I’m beginning to see dressing this way as beneficial to society – men who not only look but think a lot like women surely have a lot to offer these times where gender inequality still holds sway.

    The more of us that do it, and spread the love, kindness and positivity, the better a place the world will become.

    Shutting yourself away, hiding from it all benefits no-one, least of all yourself.

    I am beginning to dream big – like there are no limits except in the imagination – but the imagination itself can be limitless, so what use are limits except as targets, challenges to meet and overcome?

    Love

    Laura

  3. Lilly 9 months ago

    “Living kindly as me”

    Thank you.

    I identify with the introversion, and shifting nature of gender fluidity. Sometimes the dishes need to be done shirtless and in jeans bc I’m a Man dammit, and sometimes the dishes need to be done in tights and a camisole with a sports bra. Tuesday v Wednesday.

    – Lilly

    ps Shout out to pink nylon panties, absolute favorite style.

    • Author

      Couldn’t have said it better 🙂

      Wouldn’t it be fun to do one of those commercials that flip back and forth between two people getting ready for dinner, eating, and cleaning up. You only ever see one, and never from the face up until the end when it’s one person. They wipe off the makeup and hold up men’s silk pjs and a negligee. The smile is all we need to see as to which one gets chosen….

      I’ve always tried to be kind, but this lifestyle makes it tough when you are full of all the difficulties it brings. Once I accepted both parts of me, being kinder towards myself and others also became my salvation…

      Brina 🙂

  4. Georgina Babe 9 months ago

    your words speak volumes and i saw a lot of myself in what you wrote.why should it be wrong ot feel and look beautiful just because society gives us a preconceived idea of sex/gender? i celebrate my femininity and the ultimate fear would to ever be seen as an alpha male (highly unlikely). i pray when i die i can be accepted for the woman inside but alas i can’t see acceptance before that time (nit in weird morbid way just to reassure everyone)

  5. Nia 8 months ago

    Wonderful article Brina, as I’ve come out as Transgender to my family in the past two months, the concept of church/religion/God and gender has been top of mind so I appreciate your thoughts.

    • Author

      Thanks Nia,

      Thoughts and more thoughts…it seems that’s all I do is ponder the great “what ifs.” Oh how I could talk for hours on this topic, (and I have.) I will end it with this thought… I can only live my life, and I plan to do it with kindness to others and myself. It’s taken me a long time to come to this acceptance of who I am. I can only be the best me, and that is something I can improve on every day. In the end, I pray that is enough.

      Brina

      If you haven’t yet, check out transgender heaven, the sister site to this one.

  6. vickiecd 7 months ago

    I only go to church at births, deaths and marriages, so therefore i’m not a regular church goer. I did go into one when i was in Canada about 10 years ago because the people we were staying with said how nice the inside was, but that’s beside the point.
    I have seen posters outside churches of all denominations saying God loves you, or Jesus loves you. As i feel happiest dressed en femme and I love who i am, then shouldn’t those who attend church on a regular basis love me for who i am because if God and Jesus loves me as they claim then why shouldn’t they, and not look down on me for who i am, and how i prefer to dress.
    I don’t believe in the pearly gates or that Saint Peter, Paul or whoever it is will be standing outside of them, and judging me. I would hope that he looks at the inner me and the good that i have done in my life and not what i am dressed in.

    • Author

      Vickie,

      I think most of us have that same sentiment, to be judged by what we do and not how we dress. It isn’t only about us, but everyone in general. I’m still guilty of passing judgment on others without consequence. I used to be grumpy all the time and it wasn’t until after my divorce and letting Brina fully out that I began to understand the reasons. Since then, I’ve tried to live a kinder life…kind of my mantra. I still get upset at the slow drivers blocking my way, the people chatting in the aisle blocking my way, the neighbor who lets their beautiful yard go unattended. I can’t stop those initial thoughts, but now I can let them slide away and slow down, go down another aisle, and offer to help my neighbor. I hope that someday, it’s the way I’ll be treated when (and not if) Brina is outed to those I know.

  7. Michelle Charles 4 months ago

    As an Iowa girl, I too feel many of the same feelings. Church brings many confused thoughts, but I’ve grown comfortable dressing as who I am, albeit underneath. I have become accomplished with makeup to be able to subtly wear it daily. Being kind to others is so important because that’s how I want Michelle treated. Thanks for your kind thoughts!

    • Author

      Thank you, too Michelle for the comment. If there has been one thing that is the best combination of both of my halves it is the coming together and seeing a much larger picture. I don’t see the world as much from a male’s view…so to speak, and I don’t try to pretend to see it as a woman might, I instead do my best to see it as a person. That makes for kindness and acceptance of ourselves and to others as the most important thing we can do.

  8. Brandy B 3 months ago

    Lovely article …thank you!

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