Pretty Pink Panties

I’ve written several articles for this site; most are my own musings about who I am and where I fit in. I write to find myself, and I write to help others think through their own situations and feelings. As an introvert by nature, I sit back and take it all in, process it, try to make sense out of it, and then with what reasoning and commonsense that I have, I try to put it into relevant context. I’m not a professional by any means, but I have been around the block and I am very empathetic by nature. So take me for what I am, and my words for reflection.

As a young boy, I saw my first pair of pink satin panties on a girl in church. I was captivated because I could see them, and by the fact that I wanted them. The thought was there and then it was gone, because I was a boy and I wore tighty whities. However, the older I became, the more the obsession grew and morphed. From high heels and nylons, to lingerie and corsets, to tight dresses and long red nails and lips, and finally to where I am today…the whole package of femininity. It’s progressed from a fetish (which was more of a symptom of what I am) to an understanding that I am a complex person of blended genders. I still don’t know completely who I am or who I’ll eventually become and die as, and truthfully, I care less about it every day as I just try to live kindly as me. 

I had a first this past week. I wore my pretty pink panties to church. It isn’t the first time I’ve worn them there, but it was the first time that I didn’t stress over wearing them—a huge difference. I’ve pretty much given up my male underwear this year, started wearing mostly women’s jeans and shorts, done as many little feminizing things as I can and still appear mostly male. I keep my face and body clean shaven, (arms and legs during cold months), my face and body moisturized, wear neutral cologne, use female shower and body products, tweeze my eyebrows (nose, lips, ears…ugh…), and keep my nails longer and more feminine. For now, it’s enough. It won’t be in the future as each day moves me further along the path I walk. I’ve come so far from the need to wear a pair of heels for gratification to finding the inner calmness that comes from expressing the female in me that is important to my sanity and happiness.

Makeup Magic

I know what the bible says about crossdressers, but it also speaks to forgiveness and acceptance. I find it hard to believe that when I stand at the pearly gates I will be judged by the clothes I wore and not by the deeds I’ve done. I’ll leave it at that. For the better part of my life, I’ve felt unworthy. The stigma of what I was, what I’ve done because of this need in me, and to what I’m becoming, has caused depression, anxiety, remorse, frustration, shame, guilt, doubt, denial, obsession, longing, and every other negative feeling imaginable.  Sunday, in church, I didn’t have those feelings; I felt normal.  I didn’t even think about them. Maybe in a church far away, someday, I’ll wear my Sunday dress and raise my hands to the heavens as I sing Alleluia.

I read everyone’s articles on Crossdresser Heaven, and most of the comments left by others, and I have my own way of playing my part in this community. I try my best to friend the new girls as they post a picture—my way of saying hello and reaching out and giving back.  I’m not into chat—that introvert in me. I like to process before replying, so it’s email and PM for me.  We are under one huge umbrella called crossdressers—a term that I think is unfriendly and becoming obsolete. When you do your profile, there are so many choices. For me, it could change daily. As with everything else, there are the end points and the middle on our spectrum and on the much larger line of male vs. female. I believe we are at the center of that larger line and our middle is expanding outward. Whether this is because of genetics, or intake of animal hormones through milk or whatever, it doesn’t matter. We are growing in numbers and one day the world will adapt and become a more tolerant place…or it won’t. If it does, it will be because we have stepped out of the closet and lifted our hands in the air as we sing along with those who see us as the people we are and not by the clothes we wear.  

When you get the chance…live kindly.

Brina MacTavish

 

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  1. Davida Mare 6 days ago

    I feel like I’ll be following in love with myself. I want what they have being a woman. I’ll enjoy myself being who I should have been. I love men, and I should show them some respect.

  2. Brina,

    Thank you so much for writing this article. Since I began here at CDH I have looked to you as well as others to help me understand my feelings and thoughts and to guide me in understanding my future and the direction it may take. Again your story lets me know that many of the things I am feeling and thinking or not foreign but thought by at least one if not many of the girls here. Your style and path through this whole journey really resonates with me. Again great article and thank your so much for having the courage to share this with us.
    Sara Marie

    • Author

      Sara Marie,

      That’s quite the compliment…thank you. I’ve come to feel the same way about my time on CDH. There have been so many that have inspired me, comforted me, and challenged me, many who didn’t even know that they’ve done so. Reading about other’s journeys and obstacles help to make mine not seem so insurmountable. How much better would my life have been if this technology was available in the 80’s…I can only dream….

      I will forever be a work in progress….

      Brina

  3. JackieOhNo Raples 1 week ago

    Wonderful story,I have several pairs like those in the picture with the lace trim,and several colors
    I don’t worry about going to church,underdressing,I’m so used to wearing pantys it is second nature to me.
    I’m in Daytona beach and don’t wear stockings or panty hose,but in
    Pa in the winter I would wear those and loved it
    I wear cotton on extremely hot days.
    When we get to the pearly gates,I’m sure God won’t say what we’re you wearing,He will be asking what kind of behavior did you have…..
    I also started Xdressing late,when I was 60 or 61,I’ll be 70 in Dec.
    Thankyou

  4. cdmelissalaquinta 1 week ago

    Lovely story, Brina! So many of us had similar experiences as we grew older. In my case, trying Mom’s or sister’s panties on when I was 6 or 7 years old was my first experience, and oh, what amazing feelings it generated. Can a boy that young be aroused? Was it just arousal, or was there a feeling of comfort and at the same time, exhilaration? And, yes, that this was done in secret was so thrilling; no one knew I was having such a lovely time prancing in those adorable undies. Then, the years rolled on, and puberty all but extinguished my desire to try on pretty panties. Darn that testosterone! Years later, when a successful professional career brought not just self-satisfaction and financial reward, but incredible stress, my inner girl came knocking again. And when I opened that door, in she came like a gorgeous tornado, and she hasn’t let up since. Now I am out to my wife, wear panties 24/7, cute and feminine sleepwear every night and leggings and tops for the few times I’ve ventured out dressed and made up as Melissa. So thanks for sharing and inspiring my little story. Oh BTW, I have two pair of pink panties that look exactly like those shown in the photo!

    • Author

      Melissa,

      Isn’t it funny how the stresses that dressing causes (fear of getting caught, spouse finding our hidden stash) is more than balanced out by the calmness that comes from being dressed. The problems of the male world seems to dissipate the moment we look in the mirror and see her. All those poor men, who’ve never worn a pair of silk panties, don’t have a clue as to what they’re missing….

      Brina

  5. Allanna Martiansky 2 weeks ago

    Just read Brina’s article on Pink Panties, which extended to a profile in time & reality, which appeals to me in so many ways! The first view of Pink Panties for me, was at home about age of 8 or 10, hanging over the tub drying out! Thin silky ones with pretty bows and elastic!! Still can see the view even today, and that started it all! Wasnt long before i tried them on and felt the material hugging my legs, buttocks and privates! Much like Brinas experience and the feelings i experienced that grew over the years! I wonder whom i am also, it is a whole new person that is emerging–the real me?? The one i am comfortable with, turning in now with red panties and bra under a red gown to my ankles! See you all another evening, hope to see more comments! I love you all-wish you were near to hug and share ourselves!! Allanna

  6. Rebecca Leeann Allen 2 weeks ago

    Thanks for sharing your story it is an encouragement for women out there. It was as if you were telling my story.
    Rebecca

  7. Patricia Marie Allen 2 weeks ago

    Hi Brina,

    I can identify with what you’ve written. My fascination with the feminine began with panties. However the first article girl’s clothing I wore was a swimsuit. As a prepubescent child, I had a couple of hour each weekday alone at home and spent much of that time wearing my sisters clothes. I learned to walk in heels, put on seamed nylons and get the seams straight, fasten a bra behind my back, (I’m no longer flexible enough to do that) and button and zip dresses behind my back.

    Over the years I’ve changed as has my perception of who and what I am. Like you I’ve given up on wearing men’s underwear. As a matter of fact, I’ve given up on wearing men’s clothing altogether. Underwear, pants, tops shoes, socks all women’s. Mind you I wear Polo shirts, jeans and sneakers (all women’s) to work. They are just masculine enough that anyone who needs to can over look the subtle clues that brand them as women’s clothes.

    Relaxing at home, I girly it up and wear more feminine clothes. I go out often wearing my feminine finest. Grocery shopping, clothes shopping and my biggest step, doctors appointments in dresses and skirts.

    As for church, I’ve been wearing women’s underwear there for over 30 years. I’ve been wearing women’s outer wear for 20+ years. They consist of women’s slacks and tops from Woman Within called Big Shirts. The slacks are elastic waist pull-ups with no hip pockets and the Big Shirts have the buttons on the distaff side. (I don’t tuck in the shirts so it’s not really that obvious the pants have no fly.) I also wear women’s shoes and cologne. (BTW the underwear includes a bra with breast forms {C cup})

    My pastor is aware of my cross-dressing and has decided to let me work it out with God. I’ve been a member of the church for over 30 years and am considered a valued member as I serve in several ministries and help with the maintenance of the building, give lots of my personal time. Pastor, a retired painter who still has his equipment, came out with his son and painted my house for me this last year. (I bought the paint.)

    I don’t sweat anyone who might figure out that I’m wearing women’s clothes and I’m sure that some at church have. The older I get, the less I’m concerned with fitting into someone else’s box. (I’m 73, BTW.)

    • Author

      Patricia,

      Thank you for responding and sharing your story. I very much enjoyed it, and maybe someday I can get to the point where I’m as comfortable as you.

      Brina

  8. Helena 2 weeks ago

    “I still don’t know completely who I am or who I’ll eventually become and die as, and truthfully, I care less about it every day as I just try to live kindly as me.”

    I so love that! This could very well be MY mantra. In fact, I think that I’ll borrow this piece of inspiration, if you don’t mind lol!

    Thank you for sharing, Brina!!! What an inspirational artice to read today. Much blessings, sweetie!

    • Author

      Helena,
      I found it such much easier to quit focusing on all the negatives of this journey (I know it’s an old cliché, but I’m not sure the original intent covered CDs when they spoke to the journey being the important part and not the destination) and to find peace with the benefits. The biggest gain that I have personally felt after accepting that this is not a bad thing, but really a good thing, is how much easier it is to forgive and to be kind to others, more accepting. If you stop hating yourself, you try to spread kindness rather than lashing out…a wonderful feeling.

      Thanks for the kind words,

      Brina

  9. Melissa Davis 2 weeks ago

    Brina, thanks so much for your sharing your experience. It may depend on where you live, but the androgynous look you cultivate so carefully is increasingly commonplace. There are many examples on this website of dressing essentially as a man but with many feminine touches — skinny jeans, leggings, earrings, jewelry. Since men began getting their ears pierced and baseball players began wearing necklaces (though that’s not what they call them) the lines have become blurred. After all these years, gender fluidity has become an everyday word. I was encouraged by an anecdote in a British documentary called “I Married a Crossdresser” (which you can find on YouTube). When a wife who heartily accepts her husband’s crossdressing breaks the news to her daughter with some trepidation, the daughter’s first word is “Awesome!”

    Good for you, Brina.

    Melissa Davis

    • Author

      Thank you, Melissa.

      Women seem to want their men to exhibit more feminine qualities, just not in a dress. In truth, I believe we become better humans when we stop fighting the differences and acknowledging the similarities. I really look forward to the day when humanity finds ways to embrace the best inside each of us. You mentioned pierced ears…my goal…soon. I don’t live in one of those androgynous areas… I can count on one hand the number of men I see in a day with pierced ears…mostly at Wal-Mart. I love dangling earrings, hoops especially.

      Thanks for the comments,
      Brina

      • Melissa Davis 2 weeks ago

        And thank you, Brina, for your spirit and common sense.

        Melissa

  10. Alicia C 2 weeks ago

    as an ex religious person, wear what you like. thats part of why we are all here. there was a good piece of advice I got many years ago which basically said, “get rid of conflicting ideas or values in your head because you will always be at odds with them.” always feeling guilty, unsure, wasting time trying to figure out which is “right”. after asking questions about my former religion and not getting good answers I eventually tossed religion to the rubbish heap. It was scary at first but came to find other like minded people who’d also been thru the same thing. KInd of like accepting your femme parts, just different. being free of religion you learn to value and celebrate life a LOT more and understand you should make the most of the time you know you really have.

    • Author

      Alicia,

      I appreciate your thoughts and the advice on getting rid of conflicting ideas in your head. I think that is true to most everything we mentally fight within ourselves about. I live that all the time, not just with this part of me, but because of my nature. I’m such a deep thinker and I know that I over analyze everything. I do, however, step forward and take action rather than sitting back afraid to make a wrong decision. For better or worse, I’m mostly able to bury the mistakes and move on. I think, for me, the biggest point is being aware that I do this, to recognize I’m doing it, and then to overcome it.

      Thanks for the good advice,
      Brina

  11. Victoria Egger 2 weeks ago

    Dearest Brina
    Thank you for sharing your feelings. We never have enough Pink panties. I believe that the Lord does not care what we wear to church or any other place. He is the One who made us. And yes I wear panties 99% of the time and I have woren a bra a few times with nothing in it, oh well.
    Love,
    Vicke

  12. helenmarie 2 weeks ago

    Hello Sabrina, Yes, I liked your article as well. Although I am not a church follower & do not attend church, I respect your beliefs. They were my cousins pink knickers that I first wore, & as you say have loved pink knickers ever since. I to wear them under my male clothes all the time [ I wear other colours as well ], & when I go out as well. So be happy & wear what you like, when you want, in private or out and about.
    love, Helenmarie

  13. Jennifer Love 2 weeks ago

    I do love pretty pink panties, Most of mine are one shade or the other in pink. As I always underdress with panties I do wear them to Church. I am so accustom to them I don’t even think about it. In respect for the others I would not go farther than that. To me Church is my once a week piece of solitude that resets me for the following week.

  14. Peggy Ann Culpepper 2 weeks ago

    Thanks for sharing Brina, all of Your articles are so refresshing and represent what 99%
    of us have experienced in our trip Along the path to Happy Dressing. I can’t help but laugh
    at how many of us were pushed and or nughed on our way by finding that pair of panties on the bathroom floor. I rarely wear so called male underware anymore(DR.Visits, etc.)
    and i would estimate that 70% of my Numerous pairs of panties are PINK (LOL)

  15. Patricia Anne 2 weeks ago

    This is an amazing article and why I love this site! It has helped me so much to become the woman I always wanted to be and this article was exactly how I started when I was 13, with pink panties! I have evolved into fully dressing as a woman at 48 now, but always love wearing pink satin panties like I first did at 13, and knew it was part of me and I can’t live without expressing the femininity within my male body and mind. My best friends mother was a gorgeous blonde, blue eyed 42 year old divorcee that provided my start and ultimately a trusting partner in my discovery and exploration of who I was. I was always over my buddy’s house and slept over a lot too. And I hit puberty and started to look at Patty in a sexual way just as she was discovering herself as a single woman too. I would use her bathroom to pee sometimes and one day saw a pair of pink satin panties on the floor next to the hamper! I picked them up and the tag said Victoria’s Secret!

    • Author

      Patricia,

      None of my friends had that type of mother when I was growing up…must of had the wrong friends. It would have been great to have someone be a partner in my early stages, how different my life may have turned out. Hindsight is great for seeing the errors and poor decisions, it’s also good for connecting the dots that we missed along the way. I wish I had today’s access to internet and sites like this back then. It would have helped me tremendously.

      Thanks for commenting and the compliment!

      Brina

  16. Lori Shane 2 weeks ago

    Such beautiful article, thank you I can so relate to your story.

  17. Lesley 2 weeks ago

    Your article gives encouragement and your words somehow put into perspective my feelings. How I want to be in my life. I have a feminine side which I so much want to express and I’m not at all perfect in outwardly expressing how this feels but continue taking small steps towards being happy. Thanks Sabrina. xx

    • Author

      Thanks, Leslie.
      It’s always my hope when I write that it comforts, inspires, and doesn’t offend others. I learn from all those who have come before me and are much further along than I am. Sometimes it feels like there is a race to run, but in reality, there isn’t. We are similar and different in our needs and objectives. I write to learn more about me as well as hopefully helping someone else tackle an issue that is bothering them. What I wouldn’t have given for this type of site back in the 80’s and 90’s when I first got married and had to deal with all these issues. My life would have been different…

      Take care,
      Brina

  18. Paula1 2 weeks ago

    Thankyou for such an uplifting article,

  19. Gisela Claudine 3 weeks ago

    It is a very well written article, Brina. Very revealing. I dislike labels too. We still hope that tolerance will prevail. Still it is a long way to go. We deserve love and respect. Thank you.
    Gisela

  20. Sami Dee 3 weeks ago

    Absolutely love this article! Thank you for sharing your stories Sabrina, you really seem to capture the right tone in your writings!
    “Live Kindly” is a wonderful mantra to have, I am going to write that next to “You are enough” on my mirror to read every morning.
    Sami

    • Author

      Thank you, Sami!

      No matter how hard I try, I fail on a daily basis to “live Kindly,” I let the irritations in, the doubts in, and the stress in, but I have something I lacked for so long… purpose. I want to be kinder, most importantly, to myself, because only then can I be that for others. In that regard, I have succeeded. Of all the mantras I have repeated throughout my life, this one helps me to set aside the frustrations and enjoy my life more than I ever have. I can see the difference in myself and in those I interact with. It’s something I can get better at everyday, as there is always a moment where I can choose to ignore, or to participate. I participate…

      Brina

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