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I’ve written several articles for this site; most are my own musings about who I am and where I fit in. I write to find myself, and I write to help others think through their own situations and feelings. As an introvert by nature, I sit back and take it all in, process it, try to make sense out of it, and then with what reasoning and commonsense that I have, I try to put it into relevant context. I’m not a professional by any means, but I have been around the block and I am very empathetic by nature. So take me for what I am, and my words for reflection.

As a young boy, I saw my first pair of pink satin panties on a girl in church. I was captivated because I could see them, and by the fact that I wanted them. The thought was there and then it was gone, because I was a boy and I wore tighty whities. However, the older I became, the more the obsession grew and morphed. From high heels and nylons, to lingerie and corsets, to tight dresses and long red nails and lips, and finally to where I am today…the whole package of femininity. It’s progressed from a fetish (which was more of a symptom of what I am) to an understanding that I am a complex person of blended genders. I still don’t know completely who I am or who I’ll eventually become and die as, and truthfully, I care less about it every day as I just try to live kindly as me. 

I had a first this past week. I wore my pretty pink panties to church. It isn’t the first time I’ve worn them there, but it was the first time that I didn’t stress over wearing them—a huge difference. I’ve pretty much given up my male underwear this year, started wearing mostly women’s jeans and shorts, done as many little feminizing things as I can and still appear mostly male. I keep my face and body clean shaven, (arms and legs during cold months), my face and body moisturized, wear neutral cologne, use female shower and body products, tweeze my eyebrows (nose, lips, ears…ugh…), and keep my nails longer and more feminine. For now, it’s enough. It won’t be in the future as each day moves me further along the path I walk. I’ve come so far from the need to wear a pair of heels for gratification to finding the inner calmness that comes from expressing the female in me that is important to my sanity and happiness.

I know what the bible says about crossdressers, but it also speaks to forgiveness and acceptance. I find it hard to believe that when I stand at the pearly gates I will be judged by the clothes I wore and not by the deeds I’ve done. I’ll leave it at that. For the better part of my life, I’ve felt unworthy. The stigma of what I was, what I’ve done because of this need in me, and to what I’m becoming, has caused depression, anxiety, remorse, frustration, shame, guilt, doubt, denial, obsession, longing, and every other negative feeling imaginable.  Sunday, in church, I didn’t have those feelings; I felt normal.  I didn’t even think about them. Maybe in a church far away, someday, I’ll wear my Sunday dress and raise my hands to the heavens as I sing Alleluia.

I read everyone’s articles on Crossdresser Heaven, and most of the comments left by others, and I have my own way of playing my part in this community. I try my best to friend the new girls as they post a picture—my way of saying hello and reaching out and giving back.  I’m not into chat—that introvert in me. I like to process before replying, so it’s email and PM for me.  We are under one huge umbrella called crossdressers—a term that I think is unfriendly and becoming obsolete. When you do your profile, there are so many choices. For me, it could change daily. As with everything else, there are the end points and the middle on our spectrum and on the much larger line of male vs. female. I believe we are at the center of that larger line and our middle is expanding outward. Whether this is because of genetics, or intake of animal hormones through milk or whatever, it doesn’t matter. We are growing in numbers and one day the world will adapt and become a more tolerant place…or it won’t. If it does, it will be because we have stepped out of the closet and lifted our hands in the air as we sing along with those who see us as the people we are and not by the clothes we wear.  

When you get the chance…live kindly.

Brina MacTavish

 

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Sabrina (Brina) MacTavish

Brina is from Iowa, and she is steadily learning how to merge her two halves into one whole. Still closeted after 40 years, she hopes to one-day walk freely and confidently in the open. She spends most of her time working as a self-published novelist under both personas.

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Stef Smith
Duchess
Member

I battle with lingerie bras and panties at church mostly NOT wearing them there I ve done it but always feel funny about it Anyway i have some male lingerie from homme mystere and xdress-and to me MAle lingerie is like female jeans They’re for men so how can it be crossdressing? I m fine in my gender and my sex but I love feeling sexy and pretty and feeling good Panties bras stockings (thigh highs in the winter keep my legs warm) polishing my toes make me feel good So i wear what i want underneath Mix it up… Read more »

Laura Lovett
Lady
Member

Lovely reflection, Brina – thank you. I like to read everything that the other ladies post here too – I like seeing all the different perspectives, which, in turn, help me focus on my own. It’s already changed my perspective on what I previously saw as a bit of an anti-social hobby into what I now see as a way of life to help and inspire others. How many countless thousands – maybe millions hide because of something harmless? In fact, it’s not simply harmless – the more I bring myself out, the more positive effects I see in others… Read more »

Lilly
Lady

“Living kindly as me”

Thank you.

I identify with the introversion, and shifting nature of gender fluidity. Sometimes the dishes need to be done shirtless and in jeans bc I’m a Man dammit, and sometimes the dishes need to be done in tights and a camisole with a sports bra. Tuesday v Wednesday.

– Lilly

ps Shout out to pink nylon panties, absolute favorite style.

Georgina Babe
Lady

your words speak volumes and i saw a lot of myself in what you wrote.why should it be wrong ot feel and look beautiful just because society gives us a preconceived idea of sex/gender? i celebrate my femininity and the ultimate fear would to ever be seen as an alpha male (highly unlikely). i pray when i die i can be accepted for the woman inside but alas i can’t see acceptance before that time (nit in weird morbid way just to reassure everyone)

Nia
Lady

Wonderful article Brina, as I’ve come out as Transgender to my family in the past two months, the concept of church/religion/God and gender has been top of mind so I appreciate your thoughts.

vickiecd
Duchess

I only go to church at births, deaths and marriages, so therefore i’m not a regular church goer. I did go into one when i was in Canada about 10 years ago because the people we were staying with said how nice the inside was, but that’s beside the point. I have seen posters outside churches of all denominations saying God loves you, or Jesus loves you. As i feel happiest dressed en femme and I love who i am, then shouldn’t those who attend church on a regular basis love me for who i am because if God and… Read more »

Michelle Charles
Lady

As an Iowa girl, I too feel many of the same feelings. Church brings many confused thoughts, but I’ve grown comfortable dressing as who I am, albeit underneath. I have become accomplished with makeup to be able to subtly wear it daily. Being kind to others is so important because that’s how I want Michelle treated. Thanks for your kind thoughts!

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