,

I’ve written several articles for this site; most are my own musings about who I am and where I fit in. I write to find myself, and I write to help others think through their own situations and feelings. As an introvert by nature, I sit back and take it all in, process it, try to make sense out of it, and then with what reasoning and commonsense that I have, I try to put it into relevant context. I’m not a professional by any means, but I have been around the block and I am very empathetic by nature. So take me for what I am, and my words for reflection.

As a young boy, I saw my first pair of pink satin panties on a girl in church. I was captivated because I could see them, and by the fact that I wanted them. The thought was there and then it was gone, because I was a boy and I wore tighty whities. However, the older I became, the more the obsession grew and morphed. From high heels and nylons, to lingerie and corsets, to tight dresses and long red nails and lips, and finally to where I am today…the whole package of femininity. It’s progressed from a fetish (which was more of a symptom of what I am) to an understanding that I am a complex person of blended genders. I still don’t know completely who I am or who I’ll eventually become and die as, and truthfully, I care less about it every day as I just try to live kindly as me. 

I had a first this past week. I wore my pretty pink panties to church. It isn’t the first time I’ve worn them there, but it was the first time that I didn’t stress over wearing them—a huge difference. I’ve pretty much given up my male underwear this year, started wearing mostly women’s jeans and shorts, done as many little feminizing things as I can and still appear mostly male. I keep my face and body clean shaven, (arms and legs during cold months), my face and body moisturized, wear neutral cologne, use female shower and body products, tweeze my eyebrows (nose, lips, ears…ugh…), and keep my nails longer and more feminine. For now, it’s enough. It won’t be in the future as each day moves me further along the path I walk. I’ve come so far from the need to wear a pair of heels for gratification to finding the inner calmness that comes from expressing the female in me that is important to my sanity and happiness.

Transgender Heaven - Gender Journey

I know what the bible says about crossdressers, but it also speaks to forgiveness and acceptance. I find it hard to believe that when I stand at the pearly gates I will be judged by the clothes I wore and not by the deeds I’ve done. I’ll leave it at that. For the better part of my life, I’ve felt unworthy. The stigma of what I was, what I’ve done because of this need in me, and to what I’m becoming, has caused depression, anxiety, remorse, frustration, shame, guilt, doubt, denial, obsession, longing, and every other negative feeling imaginable.  Sunday, in church, I didn’t have those feelings; I felt normal.  I didn’t even think about them. Maybe in a church far away, someday, I’ll wear my Sunday dress and raise my hands to the heavens as I sing Alleluia.

I read everyone’s articles on Crossdresser Heaven, and most of the comments left by others, and I have my own way of playing my part in this community. I try my best to friend the new girls as they post a picture—my way of saying hello and reaching out and giving back.  I’m not into chat—that introvert in me. I like to process before replying, so it’s email and PM for me.  We are under one huge umbrella called crossdressers—a term that I think is unfriendly and becoming obsolete. When you do your profile, there are so many choices. For me, it could change daily. As with everything else, there are the end points and the middle on our spectrum and on the much larger line of male vs. female. I believe we are at the center of that larger line and our middle is expanding outward. Whether this is because of genetics, or intake of animal hormones through milk or whatever, it doesn’t matter. We are growing in numbers and one day the world will adapt and become a more tolerant place…or it won’t. If it does, it will be because we have stepped out of the closet and lifted our hands in the air as we sing along with those who see us as the people we are and not by the clothes we wear.  

When you get the chance…live kindly.

Brina MacTavish

 

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Sabrina (Brina) MacTavish

Brina is from Iowa, and she is steadily learning how to merge her two halves into one whole. Still closeted after 40 years, she hopes to one-day walk freely and confidently in the open. She spends most of her time working as a self-published novelist under both personas.

Latest posts by Sabrina (Brina) MacTavish (see all)

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Tricia Lynn
Lady

Brina,

As usual, you have done another beautiful job of expressing your thoughts and feelings into print. I just love reading what you have to say. I know I am not alone with my feminine feelings when I have the pleasure of reading your and others’ words here and am grateful to be able to do so.

Take care, my friend!
Tricia

Lori Stark
Lady
Active Member

Sweet thoughts, Brina. Still, it doesn’t seem right that someone leading such a well-examined life as you should have even a moment of doubt. For years I envied those gurlz who accept themselves and live their lives openly, without regard to society’s disapproval. Now as a member here, I see they are not as common as I thought.

At least it’s cozy in the closet.

Lori Stark

Marianne
Ambassador
Member

Yet some of us do exactly that Lori.

Marianne

Danielle Wayne
Duchess
Member

Very nice, well thought out article. Speaks volumes. Thank you

Dawn Judson
Lady

Wonderful, Brina! As I’ve said, I think most of our “stories” are quite similar. Well, the emotions that you mentioned– and expressed– in your “treatise” are the same feelings I’ve felt. I’ve never felt like I’ve quite fit in. I’ve always felt out of sync. Other than my wife, I haven’t had a close “best friend” in about 40 years. I’ve never felt like I was 100% man, but rather, somewhere in between male & female. I’ve never been happy with the level of success in my professional life, but the two areas in which I feel most successful are… Read more »

Lisa James
Lady

Awsome my feelings exactly!
Lisa

Michelle Liefde
Ambassador
Active Member

Thank you, Brina for a great article!

SAL-lee Heart
Guest
SAL-lee Heart

Brina, A well written and well thought out article ,excellent.

Leonara
Ambassador
Member

Brina, Thank you for such a timely article… such a way with words to which we all can relate..

*skippy1965(Cynthia)
Ambassador
Active Member

Wonderful article, Brina! I always look forward to reading your posts. Thank you for sharing your feelings and experience which I’m certain are similar to many others here!
Cyn

Robin Sheboske
Guest
Robin Sheboske

There was a time in my life that I thought I would burst into flames if I walked into church with the confusion of a CD person. You and I are aligned in our thinking that it doesn’t matter what we wear. Thank you for your article.

Robin

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