I’ve written several articles for this site; most are my own musings about who I am and where I fit in. I write to find myself, and I write to help others think through their own situations and feelings. As an introvert by nature, I sit back and take it all in, process it, try to make sense out of it, and then with what reasoning and commonsense that I have, I try to put it into relevant context. I’m not a professional by any means, but I have been around the block and I am very empathetic by nature. So take me for what I am, and my words for reflection.
As a young boy, I saw my first pair of pink satin panties on a girl in church. I was captivated because I could see them, and by the fact that I wanted them. The thought was there and then it was gone, because I was a boy and I wore tighty whities. However, the older I became, the more the obsession grew and morphed. From high heels and nylons, to lingerie and corsets, to tight dresses and long red nails and lips, and finally to where I am today…the whole package of femininity. It’s progressed from a fetish (which was more of a symptom of what I am) to an understanding that I am a complex person of blended genders. I still don’t know completely who I am or who I’ll eventually become and die as, and truthfully, I care less about it every day as I just try to live kindly as me.Â
I had a first this past week. I wore my pretty pink panties to church. It isn’t the first time I’ve worn them there, but it was the first time that I didn’t stress over wearing them—a huge difference. I’ve pretty much given up my male underwear this year, started wearing mostly women’s jeans and shorts, done as many little feminizing things as I can and still appear mostly male. I keep my face and body clean shaven, (arms and legs during cold months), my face and body moisturized, wear neutral cologne, use female shower and body products, tweeze my eyebrows (nose, lips, ears…ugh…), and keep my nails longer and more feminine. For now, it’s enough. It won’t be in the future as each day moves me further along the path I walk. I’ve come so far from the need to wear a pair of heels for gratification to finding the inner calmness that comes from expressing the female in me that is important to my sanity and happiness.
I know what the bible says about crossdressers, but it also speaks to forgiveness and acceptance. I find it hard to believe that when I stand at the pearly gates I will be judged by the clothes I wore and not by the deeds I’ve done. I’ll leave it at that. For the better part of my life, I’ve felt unworthy. The stigma of what I was, what I’ve done because of this need in me, and to what I’m becoming, has caused depression, anxiety, remorse, frustration, shame, guilt, doubt, denial, obsession, longing, and every other negative feeling imaginable. Sunday, in church, I didn’t have those feelings; I felt normal. I didn’t even think about them. Maybe in a church far away, someday, I’ll wear my Sunday dress and raise my hands to the heavens as I sing Alleluia.
I read everyone’s articles on Crossdresser Heaven, and most of the comments left by others, and I have my own way of playing my part in this community. I try my best to friend the new girls as they post a picture—my way of saying hello and reaching out and giving back. I’m not into chat—that introvert in me. I like to process before replying, so it’s email and PM for me. We are under one huge umbrella called crossdressers—a term that I think is unfriendly and becoming obsolete. When you do your profile, there are so many choices. For me, it could change daily. As with everything else, there are the end points and the middle on our spectrum and on the much larger line of male vs. female. I believe we are at the center of that larger line and our middle is expanding outward. Whether this is because of genetics, or intake of animal hormones through milk or whatever, it doesn’t matter. We are growing in numbers and one day the world will adapt and become a more tolerant place…or it won’t. If it does, it will be because we have stepped out of the closet and lifted our hands in the air as we sing along with those who see us as the people we are and not by the clothes we wear. Â
When you get the chance…live kindly.
Brina MacTavish
Pearls of wisdom and ruby’s of knowledge !!!
I have no idea where I’m going, but so far the rides been great…..
Thank you Brina. Heartfelt and Amen sister.
Leslie
I read this and it couldve been my words with my voice speaking most of them.
From one introvert to another…Thank you.
Sarah
Anytime, Sarah!
If you are like me, then you are an observer of the world around you. I do my best to stay active in it, but it makes it difficult going out even in drab let alone in a dress….
Have a great day and thanks for the comments!
Brina
Thank you Brina So beautifully written and true.
Ashley
Thank you for sharing Brina, I enjoyed the read.
What an inspiration you are Sabrina.your article touched home with me,it seems like we know each other personally.why is it that the older we get the less we resist our feminine side and the more we accept who we are. Anyway ,thank you for your story it touched me in so many ways
Stay strong sister
Love ya Pippi
Thanks Pippi!
Well said and I totally agree! I had one of those moments when someone mentioned the benefits of taking testosterone in losing weight and gaining muscle and I shouted out (in my head) No way, Uh Un, not for me. I like it this way…give me more estrogen…
Brina
Thank you so much for your article! I can identify in so many things you are going through! Keep the articles going! I too will wear at least panties every day! I wore bvds yesterday to go to the doctors and it felt wrong! Some days I will wear a bra or camisole also! They just feel so good and so right and I am in my early 70’s> so once again I thank for all your insight!
Love Tami♥♥♥
Tami, Isn’t it funny, if not a little ironic, as to what feels “natural" and “normal". I spent 2 years as the president of a service club. Every Wed morning I had on my panties, and during the colder months, a bra or more. Not wearing them felt weird, just like letting m facial hair grow for a few days. The first thing I do when I wake up now is shave. It’s more about pealing away the male parts that keep trying to cover up the female traits than it is trying to cover up the maleness…if that makes… Read more »
I understand completely! I don’t look forward to going to the doctors because I have to wear my bvds! LOL I also used to shave every other day now I do it daily and also make sure other areas are smooth! I have been dressing in my lingerie daily for the last several months and find myself trying to decide which lingerie outfit I should wear next!
You have a great day Brina!
Hugs and kisses ♥♥♥
Hi Sabrina i loved the article and i can conpare with you because I’m a introvert too, i get a bit Irritable when I’ve not been able to be Rozalyne for a while and when I’m dressed as Rozalyne a calmness comes over me, I’ve still not taken that biggest step that we all have to take and opened that closet door, well that’s another story for another day, so thank you for sharing your thoughts and asperations with us i hope that’s how you spell it, hugs Rozalyne x
Rozalyne, After my divorce, I was in the best shape of my life and I ventured out several times. I was called out once, not negatively, but enough that I pulled back. I also started another relationship and purged everything for 7 years. Now, my mind is in a much better place and I don’t feel like I have to go out to be validated. It will happen when it happens, but meanwhile…the closet will have to become bigger as my wardrobe and shoe collection increases… I totally get the irritable part… 7 years turned me into a major grump….… Read more »
Hi Brina.
Thank you for another wonderful article. We are all on a journey with unsure destination. I hope you one day get to wear your Sunday dress to church. It’s a fantastic liberating feeling doing so.
Marianne
Marianne,
I can imagine…but I know that someday it will be… I just hope I’m still able to walk in a pair of sensible heels.
Thanks for the uplifting words…
Brina
Thank you for sharing I really enjoyed reading it.. I feel I can compare to alot of what you wrote.. lovely article.. chat to you soon honey..
Thank you, Joan!
I appreciate your comments. Have a wonderful day 🙂