Pretty Pink Panties

I’ve written several articles for this site; most are my own musings about who I am and where I fit in. I write to find myself, and I write to help others think through their own situations and feelings. As an introvert by nature, I sit back and take it all in, process it, try to make sense out of it, and then with what reasoning and commonsense that I have, I try to put it into relevant context. I’m not a professional by any means, but I have been around the block and I am very empathetic by nature. So take me for what I am, and my words for reflection.

As a young boy, I saw my first pair of pink satin panties on a girl in church. I was captivated because I could see them, and by the fact that I wanted them. The thought was there and then it was gone, because I was a boy and I wore tighty whities. However, the older I became, the more the obsession grew and morphed. From high heels and nylons, to lingerie and corsets, to tight dresses and long red nails and lips, and finally to where I am today…the whole package of femininity. It’s progressed from a fetish (which was more of a symptom of what I am) to an understanding that I am a complex person of blended genders. I still don’t know completely who I am or who I’ll eventually become and die as, and truthfully, I care less about it every day as I just try to live kindly as me. 

I had a first this past week. I wore my pretty pink panties to church. It isn’t the first time I’ve worn them there, but it was the first time that I didn’t stress over wearing them—a huge difference. I’ve pretty much given up my male underwear this year, started wearing mostly women’s jeans and shorts, done as many little feminizing things as I can and still appear mostly male. I keep my face and body clean shaven, (arms and legs during cold months), my face and body moisturized, wear neutral cologne, use female shower and body products, tweeze my eyebrows (nose, lips, ears…ugh…), and keep my nails longer and more feminine. For now, it’s enough. It won’t be in the future as each day moves me further along the path I walk. I’ve come so far from the need to wear a pair of heels for gratification to finding the inner calmness that comes from expressing the female in me that is important to my sanity and happiness.

I know what the bible says about crossdressers, but it also speaks to forgiveness and acceptance. I find it hard to believe that when I stand at the pearly gates I will be judged by the clothes I wore and not by the deeds I’ve done. I’ll leave it at that. For the better part of my life, I’ve felt unworthy. The stigma of what I was, what I’ve done because of this need in me, and to what I’m becoming, has caused depression, anxiety, remorse, frustration, shame, guilt, doubt, denial, obsession, longing, and every other negative feeling imaginable.  Sunday, in church, I didn’t have those feelings; I felt normal.  I didn’t even think about them. Maybe in a church far away, someday, I’ll wear my Sunday dress and raise my hands to the heavens as I sing Alleluia.

I read everyone’s articles on Crossdresser Heaven, and most of the comments left by others, and I have my own way of playing my part in this community. I try my best to friend the new girls as they post a picture—my way of saying hello and reaching out and giving back.  I’m not into chat—that introvert in me. I like to process before replying, so it’s email and PM for me.  We are under one huge umbrella called crossdressers—a term that I think is unfriendly and becoming obsolete. When you do your profile, there are so many choices. For me, it could change daily. As with everything else, there are the end points and the middle on our spectrum and on the much larger line of male vs. female. I believe we are at the center of that larger line and our middle is expanding outward. Whether this is because of genetics, or intake of animal hormones through milk or whatever, it doesn’t matter. We are growing in numbers and one day the world will adapt and become a more tolerant place…or it won’t. If it does, it will be because we have stepped out of the closet and lifted our hands in the air as we sing along with those who see us as the people we are and not by the clothes we wear.  

When you get the chance…live kindly.

Brina MacTavish

 

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Sabrina (Brina) MacTavish

Brina is from Iowa, and she is steadily learning how to merge her two halves into one whole. Still closeted after 40 years, she hopes to one-day walk freely and confidently in the open. She spends most of her time working as a self-published novelist under both personas.

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Sami Dee
Duchess

Absolutely love this article! Thank you for sharing your stories Sabrina, you really seem to capture the right tone in your writings!
“Live Kindly” is a wonderful mantra to have, I am going to write that next to “You are enough” on my mirror to read every morning.
Sami

Gisela Claudine
Lady
Member

It is a very well written article, Brina. Very revealing. I dislike labels too. We still hope that tolerance will prevail. Still it is a long way to go. We deserve love and respect. Thank you.
Gisela

Paula1
Lady
Member

Thankyou for such an uplifting article,

Leslie
Lady

Your article gives encouragement and your words somehow put into perspective my feelings. How I want to be in my life. I have a feminine side which I so much want to express and I’m not at all perfect in outwardly expressing how this feels but continue taking small steps towards being happy. Thanks Sabrina. xx

Lori Shane
Baroness
Member

Such beautiful article, thank you I can so relate to your story.

Patricia Anne
Guest
Member
Patricia Anne

This is an amazing article and why I love this site! It has helped me so much to become the woman I always wanted to be and this article was exactly how I started when I was 13, with pink panties! I have evolved into fully dressing as a woman at 48 now, but always love wearing pink satin panties like I first did at 13, and knew it was part of me and I can’t live without expressing the femininity within my male body and mind. My best friends mother was a gorgeous blonde, blue eyed 42 year old… Read more »

Peggy Ann Culpepper
Lady

Thanks for sharing Brina, all of Your articles are so refresshing and represent what 99%
of us have experienced in our trip Along the path to Happy Dressing. I can’t help but laugh
at how many of us were pushed and or nughed on our way by finding that pair of panties on the bathroom floor. I rarely wear so called male underware anymore(DR.Visits, etc.)
and i would estimate that 70% of my Numerous pairs of panties are PINK (LOL)

Jennifer Love
Lady

I do love pretty pink panties, Most of mine are one shade or the other in pink. As I always underdress with panties I do wear them to Church. I am so accustom to them I don’t even think about it. In respect for the others I would not go farther than that. To me Church is my once a week piece of solitude that resets me for the following week.

helenmarie
Lady

Hello Sabrina, Yes, I liked your article as well. Although I am not a church follower & do not attend church, I respect your beliefs. They were my cousins pink knickers that I first wore, & as you say have loved pink knickers ever since. I to wear them under my male clothes all the time [ I wear other colours as well ], & when I go out as well. So be happy & wear what you like, when you want, in private or out and about.
love, Helenmarie

Victoria Egger
Lady

Dearest Brina
Thank you for sharing your feelings. We never have enough Pink panties. I believe that the Lord does not care what we wear to church or any other place. He is the One who made us. And yes I wear panties 99% of the time and I have woren a bra a few times with nothing in it, oh well.
Love,
Vicke

Alicia C
Lady
Member

as an ex religious person, wear what you like. thats part of why we are all here. there was a good piece of advice I got many years ago which basically said, “get rid of conflicting ideas or values in your head because you will always be at odds with them.” always feeling guilty, unsure, wasting time trying to figure out which is “right”. after asking questions about my former religion and not getting good answers I eventually tossed religion to the rubbish heap. It was scary at first but came to find other like minded people who’d also been… Read more »

Melissa Davis
Baroness

Brina, thanks so much for your sharing your experience. It may depend on where you live, but the androgynous look you cultivate so carefully is increasingly commonplace. There are many examples on this website of dressing essentially as a man but with many feminine touches — skinny jeans, leggings, earrings, jewelry. Since men began getting their ears pierced and baseball players began wearing necklaces (though that’s not what they call them) the lines have become blurred. After all these years, gender fluidity has become an everyday word. I was encouraged by an anecdote in a British documentary called “I Married… Read more »

Helena
Lady
Member

“I still don’t know completely who I am or who I’ll eventually become and die as, and truthfully, I care less about it every day as I just try to live kindly as me.”

I so love that! This could very well be MY mantra. In fact, I think that I’ll borrow this piece of inspiration, if you don’t mind lol!

Thank you for sharing, Brina!!! What an inspirational artice to read today. Much blessings, sweetie!

Patricia Marie Allen
Lady

Hi Brina, I can identify with what you’ve written. My fascination with the feminine began with panties. However the first article girl’s clothing I wore was a swimsuit. As a prepubescent child, I had a couple of hour each weekday alone at home and spent much of that time wearing my sisters clothes. I learned to walk in heels, put on seamed nylons and get the seams straight, fasten a bra behind my back, (I’m no longer flexible enough to do that) and button and zip dresses behind my back. Over the years I’ve changed as has my perception of… Read more »

Rebecca Leeann Allen
Lady

Thanks for sharing your story it is an encouragement for women out there. It was as if you were telling my story.
Rebecca

Allanna Martiansky
Baroness

Just read Brina’s article on Pink Panties, which extended to a profile in time & reality, which appeals to me in so many ways! The first view of Pink Panties for me, was at home about age of 8 or 10, hanging over the tub drying out! Thin silky ones with pretty bows and elastic!! Still can see the view even today, and that started it all! Wasnt long before i tried them on and felt the material hugging my legs, buttocks and privates! Much like Brinas experience and the feelings i experienced that grew over the years! I wonder… Read more »

melissa la quinta
Duchess
Member

Lovely story, Brina! So many of us had similar experiences as we grew older. In my case, trying Mom’s or sister’s panties on when I was 6 or 7 years old was my first experience, and oh, what amazing feelings it generated. Can a boy that young be aroused? Was it just arousal, or was there a feeling of comfort and at the same time, exhilaration? And, yes, that this was done in secret was so thrilling; no one knew I was having such a lovely time prancing in those adorable undies. Then, the years rolled on, and puberty all… Read more »

JackieOhNo Raples
Lady
Member

Wonderful story,I have several pairs like those in the picture with the lace trim,and several colors
I don’t worry about going to church,underdressing,I’m so used to wearing pantys it is second nature to me.
I’m in Daytona beach and don’t wear stockings or panty hose,but in
Pa in the winter I would wear those and loved it
I wear cotton on extremely hot days.
When we get to the pearly gates,I’m sure God won’t say what we’re you wearing,He will be asking what kind of behavior did you have…..
I also started Xdressing late,when I was 60 or 61,I’ll be 70 in Dec.
Thankyou

Sara Marie Franklin (SMF)
Ambassador

Brina, Thank you so much for writing this article. Since I began here at CDH I have looked to you as well as others to help me understand my feelings and thoughts and to guide me in understanding my future and the direction it may take. Again your story lets me know that many of the things I am feeling and thinking or not foreign but thought by at least one if not many of the girls here. Your style and path through this whole journey really resonates with me. Again great article and thank your so much for having… Read more »

Davida Mare
Guest
Davida Mare

I feel like I’ll be following in love with myself. I want what they have being a woman. I’ll enjoy myself being who I should have been. I love men, and I should show them some respect.

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