I’ve written several articles for this site; most are my own musings about who I am and where I fit in. I write to find myself, and I write to help others think through their own situations and feelings. As an introvert by nature, I sit back and take it all in, process it, try to make sense out of it, and then with what reasoning and commonsense that I have, I try to put it into relevant context. I’m not a professional by any means, but I have been around the block and I am very empathetic by nature. So take me for what I am, and my words for reflection.
As a young boy, I saw my first pair of pink satin panties on a girl in church. I was captivated because I could see them, and by the fact that I wanted them. The thought was there and then it was gone, because I was a boy and I wore tighty whities. However, the older I became, the more the obsession grew and morphed. From high heels and nylons, to lingerie and corsets, to tight dresses and long red nails and lips, and finally to where I am today…the whole package of femininity. It’s progressed from a fetish (which was more of a symptom of what I am) to an understanding that I am a complex person of blended genders. I still don’t know completely who I am or who I’ll eventually become and die as, and truthfully, I care less about it every day as I just try to live kindly as me.Â
I had a first this past week. I wore my pretty pink panties to church. It isn’t the first time I’ve worn them there, but it was the first time that I didn’t stress over wearing them—a huge difference. I’ve pretty much given up my male underwear this year, started wearing mostly women’s jeans and shorts, done as many little feminizing things as I can and still appear mostly male. I keep my face and body clean shaven, (arms and legs during cold months), my face and body moisturized, wear neutral cologne, use female shower and body products, tweeze my eyebrows (nose, lips, ears…ugh…), and keep my nails longer and more feminine. For now, it’s enough. It won’t be in the future as each day moves me further along the path I walk. I’ve come so far from the need to wear a pair of heels for gratification to finding the inner calmness that comes from expressing the female in me that is important to my sanity and happiness.
I know what the bible says about crossdressers, but it also speaks to forgiveness and acceptance. I find it hard to believe that when I stand at the pearly gates I will be judged by the clothes I wore and not by the deeds I’ve done. I’ll leave it at that. For the better part of my life, I’ve felt unworthy. The stigma of what I was, what I’ve done because of this need in me, and to what I’m becoming, has caused depression, anxiety, remorse, frustration, shame, guilt, doubt, denial, obsession, longing, and every other negative feeling imaginable. Sunday, in church, I didn’t have those feelings; I felt normal. I didn’t even think about them. Maybe in a church far away, someday, I’ll wear my Sunday dress and raise my hands to the heavens as I sing Alleluia.
I read everyone’s articles on Crossdresser Heaven, and most of the comments left by others, and I have my own way of playing my part in this community. I try my best to friend the new girls as they post a picture—my way of saying hello and reaching out and giving back. I’m not into chat—that introvert in me. I like to process before replying, so it’s email and PM for me. We are under one huge umbrella called crossdressers—a term that I think is unfriendly and becoming obsolete. When you do your profile, there are so many choices. For me, it could change daily. As with everything else, there are the end points and the middle on our spectrum and on the much larger line of male vs. female. I believe we are at the center of that larger line and our middle is expanding outward. Whether this is because of genetics, or intake of animal hormones through milk or whatever, it doesn’t matter. We are growing in numbers and one day the world will adapt and become a more tolerant place…or it won’t. If it does, it will be because we have stepped out of the closet and lifted our hands in the air as we sing along with those who see us as the people we are and not by the clothes we wear. Â
When you get the chance…live kindly.
Brina MacTavish
as an ex religious person, wear what you like. thats part of why we are all here. there was a good piece of advice I got many years ago which basically said, “get rid of conflicting ideas or values in your head because you will always be at odds with them." always feeling guilty, unsure, wasting time trying to figure out which is “right". after asking questions about my former religion and not getting good answers I eventually tossed religion to the rubbish heap. It was scary at first but came to find other like minded people who’d also been… Read more »
Alicia, I appreciate your thoughts and the advice on getting rid of conflicting ideas in your head. I think that is true to most everything we mentally fight within ourselves about. I live that all the time, not just with this part of me, but because of my nature. I’m such a deep thinker and I know that I over analyze everything. I do, however, step forward and take action rather than sitting back afraid to make a wrong decision. For better or worse, I’m mostly able to bury the mistakes and move on. I think, for me, the biggest… Read more »
Brina, thanks so much for your sharing your experience. It may depend on where you live, but the androgynous look you cultivate so carefully is increasingly commonplace. There are many examples on this website of dressing essentially as a man but with many feminine touches — skinny jeans, leggings, earrings, jewelry. Since men began getting their ears pierced and baseball players began wearing necklaces (though that’s not what they call them) the lines have become blurred. After all these years, gender fluidity has become an everyday word. I was encouraged by an anecdote in a British documentary called “I Married… Read more »
Thank you, Melissa. Women seem to want their men to exhibit more feminine qualities, just not in a dress. In truth, I believe we become better humans when we stop fighting the differences and acknowledging the similarities. I really look forward to the day when humanity finds ways to embrace the best inside each of us. You mentioned pierced ears…my goal…soon. I don’t live in one of those androgynous areas… I can count on one hand the number of men I see in a day with pierced ears…mostly at Wal-Mart. I love dangling earrings, hoops especially. Thanks for the comments,… Read more »
And thank you, Brina, for your spirit and common sense.
Melissa
“I still don’t know completely who I am or who I’ll eventually become and die as, and truthfully, I care less about it every day as I just try to live kindly as me."
I so love that! This could very well be MY mantra. In fact, I think that I’ll borrow this piece of inspiration, if you don’t mind lol!
Thank you for sharing, Brina!!! What an inspirational artice to read today. Much blessings, sweetie!
Helena, I found it such much easier to quit focusing on all the negatives of this journey (I know it’s an old cliché, but I’m not sure the original intent covered CDs when they spoke to the journey being the important part and not the destination) and to find peace with the benefits. The biggest gain that I have personally felt after accepting that this is not a bad thing, but really a good thing, is how much easier it is to forgive and to be kind to others, more accepting. If you stop hating yourself, you try to spread… Read more »
Hi Brina, I can identify with what you’ve written. My fascination with the feminine began with panties. However the first article girl’s clothing I wore was a swimsuit. As a prepubescent child, I had a couple of hour each weekday alone at home and spent much of that time wearing my sisters clothes. I learned to walk in heels, put on seamed nylons and get the seams straight, fasten a bra behind my back, (I’m no longer flexible enough to do that) and button and zip dresses behind my back. Over the years I’ve changed as has my perception of… Read more »
Patricia,
Thank you for responding and sharing your story. I very much enjoyed it, and maybe someday I can get to the point where I’m as comfortable as you.
Brina
Thanks for sharing your story it is an encouragement for women out there. It was as if you were telling my story.
Rebecca
Just read Brina’s article on Pink Panties, which extended to a profile in time & reality, which appeals to me in so many ways! The first view of Pink Panties for me, was at home about age of 8 or 10, hanging over the tub drying out! Thin silky ones with pretty bows and elastic!! Still can see the view even today, and that started it all! Wasnt long before i tried them on and felt the material hugging my legs, buttocks and privates! Much like Brinas experience and the feelings i experienced that grew over the years! I wonder… Read more »
Lovely story, Brina! So many of us had similar experiences as we grew older. In my case, trying Mom’s or sister’s panties on when I was 6 or 7 years old was my first experience, and oh, what amazing feelings it generated. Can a boy that young be aroused? Was it just arousal, or was there a feeling of comfort and at the same time, exhilaration? And, yes, that this was done in secret was so thrilling; no one knew I was having such a lovely time prancing in those adorable undies. Then, the years rolled on, and puberty all… Read more »
Melissa,
Isn’t it funny how the stresses that dressing causes (fear of getting caught, spouse finding our hidden stash) is more than balanced out by the calmness that comes from being dressed. The problems of the male world seems to dissipate the moment we look in the mirror and see her. All those poor men, who’ve never worn a pair of silk panties, don’t have a clue as to what they’re missing….
Brina
Wonderful story,I have several pairs like those in the picture with the lace trim,and several colors I don’t worry about going to church,underdressing,I’m so used to wearing pantys it is second nature to me. I’m in Daytona beach and don’t wear stockings or panty hose,but in Pa in the winter I would wear those and loved it I wear cotton on extremely hot days. When we get to the pearly gates,I’m sure God won’t say what we’re you wearing,He will be asking what kind of behavior did you have….. I also started Xdressing late,when I was 60 or 61,I’ll be… Read more »
Thank you for the comments. You remind me that it’s never to late to reach for what we desire… The only impediment is oneself…
Brina
Brina, Thank you so much for writing this article. Since I began here at CDH I have looked to you as well as others to help me understand my feelings and thoughts and to guide me in understanding my future and the direction it may take. Again your story lets me know that many of the things I am feeling and thinking or not foreign but thought by at least one if not many of the girls here. Your style and path through this whole journey really resonates with me. Again great article and thank your so much for having… Read more »
Sara Marie,
That’s quite the compliment…thank you. I’ve come to feel the same way about my time on CDH. There have been so many that have inspired me, comforted me, and challenged me, many who didn’t even know that they’ve done so. Reading about other’s journeys and obstacles help to make mine not seem so insurmountable. How much better would my life have been if this technology was available in the 80’s…I can only dream….
I will forever be a work in progress….
Brina
I feel like I’ll be following in love with myself. I want what they have being a woman. I’ll enjoy myself being who I should have been. I love men, and I should show them some respect.