Dawn Judson
As I said, originally, I'm sure we all have very similar stories, but yes, I’m a happy girl when I’m Dawn. I'm feeling more & more comfortable. I’ve been crossdressing since I was about 10. Until recently, I always felt like I enjoyed it– but wished I didn’t. I think it was something I was born with, but the thing that I felt that really awakened the desire in me, was a "TRUE" magazine article. I happened to find it on the top shelf of a closet (How appropriate). Naturally, I curiously looked through the magazine, perhaps, hoping to find pictures of nude women. But then, I came across an article entitled, “My Husband Became a Woman”. Suddenly, I wanted to see how it felt to be a girl & started trying on things that belonged to my mom & sister. It felt so good & actually excited me, sexually.
I’m pretty sure that my mom knew about it. She had caught me, trying on a pair of my granny’s shoes, once, and I’m sure that she could tell that someone had been into her clothes– especially when I accidentally got makeup on a white sundress & didn’t have time to clean it. There was also a time when my best friend asked me if I had mascara on (Apparently, I hadn’t done a good job of washing it off.) I told him, “No, I was taking a nap. That’s why my eyes look like this.” I don’t think he bought it.
I wasn’t gay. I liked girls & had several girlfriends throughout high school. I was still doing the closet thing, but when I was with them, crossdressing never crossed (pardon the pun) my mind . Also, never really thought about it while serving a few years in the Armed Forces. But it all seemed to come back when my wife & I were dating & we went to a friend’s Halloween Party as the opposite sexes. Shortly after we got married, I played a trick on her, one morning, as we were getting ready for work. She had her clothes laid out for the day. While she was showering, I put her bra on under my shirt. She couldn’t figure out where she had put it. I wanted to see how long it would take her to find it. Again, it felt good.
The following year, I admitted to her that I enjoyed it & asked her if she’d mind. She said OK. I didn’t do it often, but I got a little carried away, one weekend, and pierced my own ears. No one said anything about it at work, but I’m sure the holes were noticable. Then, we threw our own Halloween party. You guessed it. She was a guy. I was a French maid.
Our oldest kids are girls. I still “dressed up”, occasionally, when they were young, but when the boys came along, I stopped & purged what little clothing I had.
Once the boys grew up & moved out, I found myself wearing some of my wife’s clothes. In fact, over the years, although she rarely lets me wear lingerie to bed, our foreplay involves her doing things to me that would normally be done to a woman. No, she’s not gay either, although I have daydreamed about what it would be like to have lesbian sex with her. That said, crossdressing doesn’t seem to sexually stimulate me like it once did. Instead, it gives me more of a feeling of joy & satisfaction– like this feels right & it’s who I should be.
I’m really opening up, here, and it is quite liberating to do so. Thank goodness that I found Crossdresser Heaven. I never wanted to apply the term, “crossdresser” to myself. I was very apprehensive about joining CDH, initially, and have remained guarded about posting, but the more time I spend as Dawn, the more confident I become. I’m enjoying the replies I’m getting from my “sisters”. There’s acceptance here. I no longer feel like a “freak”. It’s amazing how many others have the same issue that I do. Three years ago, I would have never thought that I could be this open about “my little secret”.
I started doing some online shopping & expanded my wardrobe. I’m a 14, but I’m hoping to get down to a 12. I have a little roll I need to get rid of. I’d also like to get a little plastic surgery. I’ve also considered electrolysis & some herbs to slightly enhance my breasts (I don’t have much in that area). Any suggestions, I’m all ears. Also, after many years, playing sports, my legs are kind of beat up. I’d like to wear shorts or a casual skirt without hose. Any ideas about how to shape them up?
Last Halloween (Ain’t that a wonderful holiday?), I attended two different parties– one in just a flowered dress (a guy tried to pick me up) & the other as a St. Pauli Girl. Since last year, I’ve gotten involved with a couple of different crossdressing groups which has allowed me to come out of the closet a bit. My schedule hasn’t allowed me to attend very many meetings, but when I can, it has helped me find who I am & to admit to myself that I am a crossdresser. Does that make me transgendered? I’m not sure. Being honest with myself, I'd love to see what it feels like to become a real woman, but my wife says she would leave me if I did. I couldn’t do that to her. She didn’t “sign up for this”. She’s the best thing that ever happened to me.
I find that I’m spending more time as Dawn, but I have to be careful not to upset my wife. We had a pretty deep conversation, yesterday. She let me buy a new wig, on Friday, and she bought me a pair of capris, a skirt & two pairs of earrings, yesterday. She’s accepting that Dawn is a part of our lives; that I need Dawn. My wife even says that, as Dawn, I seem to be more productive around the house and assist her with “womanly” chores, but she’s worried that maybe she shouldn’t be encouraging me.
Maybe she’s right. When I look in the mirror at my male self, I'm not happy with that old man looking back at me. But, as Dawn, I’m very happy with the way I’m looking (In fact, because she doesn’t like me coming to bed, as Dawn, I have to take it all off- but that's getting harder to do). My make-up skills are improving. My wife now says that she thinks I could “pass” in public (I have to work on the voice, though) not only as a woman, but as a woman 20 years yonger than my true age. I look & feel younger when I’m Dawn. When I exercise, for some reason, I feel stronger & more energetic as Dawn. Many people, who have seen pictures of Dawn or seen her at one of those Halloween parties, say that I look better as a woman than I do as a man. I have to agree. We may be planning a “Girls Day Out”, soon, going shopping, having lunch & getting manicures & pedicures.
Sometimes, I get frustrated with my job & other things in my life, but I find crossdressing therapeutic. Put me in a dress and it completely lightens my mood. My depression used to be worse & sometimes incapacitating. Looking back, perhaps subconsciously, I was down because I couldn’t be a woman or, at least, look like one.
Is this what’s missing in my life? I’m worried that if I am even considering transitioning, I'd better do it soon or it'll be too late. I don't want to live my whole life, not realizing my dream & being who I think I was meant to be. How sad would that be? I think my wife realizes that & that’s why she’s reluctantly giving me the “green light”– so I can enjoy the next best thing to being a woman while I can.
Life’s short. Be gorgeous!
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