Earlier this year as the pandemic and local lockdowns were ramping up, I decided to do some pre-emptive self-care as the situation ahead looked mentally draining. I began listening to my favorite self-hypnosis recording to lift my spirits and keep me resilient. Several things started to shift in my life from my hypnosis recording. The most apparent was my inner woman stepping out of the shadows of my mind. That was on February 24, 2020.
She had stepped out before for short visits and when I first came out to my wife. But then she retreated back into the shadows of my mind as we raised our family. This time it felt much different. The guilt and shame, though not completely gone, were at such a low level that I knew in my heart there would never be a purge of her things again. The deep feeling of self-acceptance had made me realize that this is who I was meant to be.
I came out to my wife once before, and she accepted me. Would she accept me again this time? At first, she did, but then she noticed I was purchasing several wigs and makeup. She knew I was serious about my feminine feelings. She said that it was scaring her. I decided to keep our discussions about my feelings low-key for a while. I expressed that I wasn’t going to leave her, and my feelings were making me happy and content about myself more than I’d ever been in my life. She wants me to be happy and she knows how much this means to me. She offered to share her makeup and beauty products. Of course, she proceeded to borrow my foundation and one of my lip pencils! Our conversations have become more comfortable. We talked about me growing my hair long, piercing my ears, and possibly getting a feminine tattoo.
I read about other’s journeys on CDH. Some state that they are comfortable being male and dressing up in women’s clothing. I know in my heart that I was meant to be a woman. I can’t give an explanation as to why I am male, but the path I was supposed to walk should have been as a woman.
I’m a sensitive, caring, and nurturing person. I like connecting with people on a deeper level than most of the men I know are comfortable with. I have been criticized for being too sensitive as a male. It caused me to think that there was something wrong with me and that I was flawed as a human. This recent awaking of my inner woman has made me realize there is nothing wrong with me and there never has been. I’ve just been experiencing life with a natural feminine essence. This is me, and I am perfectly, Kay.
I’m currently building an inner foundation for more growth as a woman. Adding inner strength to weather any guilt, shame, or fear. I continue to listen to my self-hypnosis and meditation recordings. During my daily meditations, I visualize how I will look and act in the future. My outer work includes practicing makeup skills, trying different wigs for hair color and style, epilating body hair, polishing nails, and taking some feminizing herbs.
Taking hormone replacement therapy and having surgeries are probably not in the picture for me with my underlying health condition. I plan to live as much as possible as a woman. I am not at the point of opening that door yet and stepping through it.
Before February 24, 2020, I never saw myself heading towards where I am today. I had fleeting fantasies about dressing or feeling like a woman, only to have them evaporate as fast as they appeared. I’ve long wondered if I would ever find myself or my life purpose. After that day, my inner woman stepped out and bore her soul to the world. I experienced something bigger than anything I ever had—womanhood. I’ll never go backwards again. Kay will never be pushed back into the shadows. Life feels so congruent as I embrace the path I will be walking. My dreams and desires are becoming aligned with my true purpose for being here; to be my true self and to nurture others.
I feel passionate for life, excited about my future. I’m whole and at peace, feel spiritual and in the natural flow of life. I refer to this life amazing life event as my “Radical Feminine Awakening.”
- Has your life ever had an awakening?
- Does dressing as a woman relate to your life’s purpose?
- How passionate do you feel about your true self?