First off; it’s been a long month for me. My mother passed somewhat unexpectedly at age 88 before Thanksgiving. Dealing with dementia and declining health-stage 3 lung cancer, we admitted her to the hospital to find the cause of her recent tiredness and increased need for oxygen. Two days later, hospice called to meet, and she was gone in less than two days. I still have my father to look after, 94 and mostly going strong. My daughters were beyond valuable as things unfolded.
On the brighter side of life, my health is better than it has been in nearly 3 years. I’ve lost close to 30#, and I’m nearly back to a decent size. I still have 15-20#s to go to get to my personal and best perceived weight. Me, like many of you, wish to be the Barbie doll we sometimes imagine in the mirror’s reflection. Our pictures never lie—even as we do. Sometimes, being male and beautiful is like gazing at our reflection in mud. It covers the age, the out of proportion body that we try to fit into that stunning evening dress, and the attempt at glamour makeup over garish. It is an extreme rarity for any CD to be amazing in all areas, let alone a cis woman.
Many of us live in the nether world of make believe. I’m not here to condone that, but to support it. Our mud reflection gives us a glimpse of what might be or might have been if our lives could be or were different—that feminine perspective. I look on with envy at the women on this site who have perfected their makeup skills or has the feminine shape that is coveted by us and many generic women alike. Each of us has one thing in common; we see and embrace the femininity within.
We are our greatest critics and our strongest supporters—when we aren’t wallowing in self-doubt and anxieties. We allow ourselves to see beyond the clear reflection to the muddy one. It brings us peace and speaks to the soul that cries for answers and attempts to survive the anguish of our daily lives and responsibilities. Raise your hand if you would gladly take the pill to become totally female or have the superpower to transform into our Faceapp version of ourselves. We can’t, so we apply lots of makeup to bring her out, bind our stomachs with compression garments, paint our nails, and throw on our Sunday best to clear away some of the muddy reflection. It’s enough, and it isn’t.
I stay in the closet more out of fear and my responsibilities to those I care about. Would that change if I did. Most certainly. Would it be okay? I don’t know. If it happens, it happens. I didn’t have a supportive spouse (see my other articles) although I would love to meet someone who would be. I’m more than a crossdresser; something I now value about myself and see as a strength rather than a sickness. I adore the feeling of keeping most of my body shaved—legs especially in the colder months, and in my daily ritual of placating my feminine side before I let the male side interact with the world. Sometimes I wish for so much more, but I’m sincerely thankful for what I do allow myself to have.
I remember trying to go weeks, months, even years in between the opportunity to dress. That affliction I could never quell or bury deep enough. The stress it would cause until I was hateful to myself and those around me. Each of us has to take their own steps, in their own time, regardless of what others propose to be the “true path” to follow. You don’t have to go out in public, you don’t have to shave your legs, and you don’t have to pee sitting down… You only have to be you. You are on the spectrum of genderism. From 100% female to 100% male. I don’t believe that there are many if any 100 percenters out there. If you strip away the societal garbage and politics, it is much easier to realize that by sheer genetics we are a combination of our mother and father’s DNA. Thousands of years has only spread it more, which is one of the reasons that I believe we have so many who now question their place on the spectrum. I believe it will continue to grow and become something that will eventually cause the world to uniformly acknowledge; and what a better world it will be. Not in my lifetime I’m afraid, maybe not for generations.
So…slap some mud on your reflection and let your heart and soul find their peace, even if it’s only for an hour or once in a blue moon. There is nothing wrong with you or me…I’m still not going to stand on top of the mountain and shout it out, but I can achieve a calming balance. This site gives us the ability to share in our commonalities and to be both students and mentors to others. When you are about to chastise someone for being afraid of doing what you do or feeling differently, stop and remember that we all want to walk in those spectacular heels, but our feet come in sizes that many of those shoes won’t accommodate. Let’s not be judgmental and instead be uplifting and when possible—truthful and caring, and beyond all else, kind.
The muddy reflection exists for all of us. No one is asking for you to douse it with Windex and wipe it away. We also don’t need you to add extra mud either. If you can, like one another’s pictures, refrain from criticism, respond compassionately to forums, articles, and in chat. Share your stories in the article section—your triumphs as wells as your heartbreaks. In this little corner of the world, we are an extended family. When you find self-forgiveness, you can forgive the worst in others. A lesson that I again recently learned with the death of my mother. Her failing health caused some friction between my father and me. Now, I see only the man who has been there for her, my sister, and me. I’m blessed to have him in my life, and I will make sure that he knows it from now on.
I feel the same way with those of you who are members here and on TGH.
Play in the mud, and may you find joy and happiness in your lives.
Until next time…
Thoroughly enjoyed reading another one of your articles Brina. Early on you talk about the passing of your mother and you taking care of your 94 year old dad and how things used to be really dicey between you and your dad and now some fences sound like they are being mended. I guess I had to consider myself lucky I never had to deal with taking care of an elderly parent. I can assume how much work could be involved with that sort of process. My parents got a divorce the day I graduated from high school and they… Read more »
One thing that age does well is in the softening of our face and beard coloration. I can get by with much less makeup. I could live at the gym and not sure it would help…
Thanks for the comments 🙂
Brina
Sabrina, I wish I could just give you a hug because I understand the pain you have experienced because I too have watched loved ones go down the same road. As I read your words, I looked into the mirror and my own heart and saw many similarities. Thank you for sharing.
Your virtual hug has been received; thank you 🙂 Thank you for the kind words!
So sorry to hear of your mother’s passing. You almost make feel shamed of myself for my not having taken care of my parents when they started loosing there mobility. My dad having a stroke about 13 years ago and then being in a care facility for the next 2 years before he passed Then just before he passed my mother went into the same facility so she could be taken care of because alzheimer’s was getting bad. To be fair to me at that time my son had 2 years left in school. Now this past year I also… Read more »
Thank you for your comments and concern. Nothing for you to feel bad about. Our parents (in general) would prefer not to have their children burdened with the daily care they might need. My father and I were preparing for the time when my mother would be beyond our care and emotional limits. I’m comforted by the fact that we did what we could and she still had some long-term memories Her body was fading and it became a race. In a way, I became the spinster-like daughter in charge of caring for my parents. My older sister isn’t long… Read more »
Kudos to you, Brina on another excellent article! I always make sure I read yours. They are always so thoughtful. I want to tell you how truly sorry I am to hear about your Mom’s passing. Hold onto the good times you had and it will help ease the pain. I empathize with you as I’ve been there as well! PM me if you ever need an ear or a shoulder!
*kisses* tara 🙂
Thank you, Tara for the kindness and offer of support; much appreciated 🙂
Life moves forward not backward, The further I am from the past the more I see the bigger picture projecting on the future of this adventure. Mom passed with dementia, dad with Alzheimer, both had very different views of my choosing to no longer hide Char. I know that simply by being me, and being seen, I am making a difference on this planet and I am part of something so grand I can’t eve imagine what it is. What ever label we place on it, it’s pretty humbling to know I am a necessary piece of the bigger picture.… Read more »
Great sentiment, Char! Thank you for sharing it. I’ve been naked in the mud a few times, once not by choice as I lost my trunks and shoes. Sorry to hear about your folks…It’s never easy to watch someone struggle, even harder when they are confused.
You do make a difference 🙂 So keep on doing it….
Hi This is the second time I’ve replied to your post. The first time was directly after reading it, whereas this reply is after mulling over your article. As I said in my first reply, I was genuinely moved by your article. If you knew me, you’d know I’m not one for political correctness and bullshit and a great believer in free-speech and freedom of expression. So, when I say your article moved me, it did. What I liked about your article was the “warts and all" nature of it. It’s all too easy to say you like nice, what… Read more »
Julia, Thanks again. Your sentiments are shared by many. I could probably write a book (lol… a small pun if you allow me) that could talk about all the stages and branches of what is considered crossdressing. Too many professionals, politicians, so-called experts try hard to create labels and boundaries. We do so among ourselves here as well. “You aren’t unless…" “you have to…" “you shouldn’t…" and many others of note. My point has always been that we aren’t really crossdressers but merely individuals allowing ourselves to express tendencies or inner feelings. Some like makeup, or wigs, or (my god)… Read more »
Brina, first sorry for the loss of your mother. I know what dementia does to a person as my father who had a PHD in Geophysics developed dementia in his mid-80’s and fortunately went quickly. He had a brilliant mind and a kind soul and dementia brought out the worst in him. My mom is still with us today and looks fabulous. I just have not had the ability with Covid and work to visit her. She turned 91 recently. Also, congratulations on losing that weight. It is a difficult task for all of us to do on a consistent… Read more »
Thank you for the comments and sympathy. I’m glad, in a way, that mom didn’t have to decline through the evils of dementia. I lost a high school friend 2 weeks after my mom, who died of early-onset Alzheimer’s. Talking to his wife let me know how bad it could have been. Still not easy, but I’m doing ok as I try to keep my father moving forward.
Thanks 🙂
Brina
Thank you for the informative and insightful post. We are all just trying to live the best we can and they say a mud pack is good for the skin!
Yes, it is…and a little old fashion mud wrestling can be fun too 🙂
I’m so sorry for your loss, Brina. I know there is nothing that can be said that will help with that pain, but we’ll all thinking of you in this time of sadness.
Thanks for the sympathy, Marie 🙂
My condolences, Brina. I have a similar situation with my mother. You seem to be dealing with your loss very admirably. You’re a strong woman.
Best wishes moving forward.
Catherine
Thank you. I deal because I’ve turned my attention to helping my father. He lost his partner one month shy of their 70th anniversary. Getting him moving forward is my focus. I still have moments, and I’m sure many worse ones to come down the road.
Thank you for your sympathy 🙂