Resolutions…
It’s that special time of the year when we promise to be better (or less bad) than we were the year before. Kind of like Tim McGraw and his next 30 years. I thought it might be fun to look back at my life by decades and do a “He Said, She Said” compilation of resolutions come and gone. At the end, I will share a few of this year’s. I hope you will provide some of your own, as this shouldn’t be taken seriously… (mostly.) 😉
I wanted to mention also that I’ve recently been posting pictures of myself (Yes, new ones as it’s been a while since I have.) I’m hoping that my trend will inspire some of the other girls here to do something similar. I offer some insights on each one, hoping others might find a tidbit here and there to use themselves. I’m not the prettiest, best at makeup, fittest, most definitely not the youngest—or oldest, great at fashion, picture posing, or anything else, for that matter. What I am is 60, 180 pounds (with a goal of reaching 165) and 6 ft tall. In reality, I’m average with a nice pair of legs. I’ve carried a midsection since I was a chubby kid. I’ve been told the only way to get rid of it is through surgery. I’m contemplating CoolSculpting on those love handles. I believe we have a lot of tricks that we can share with each other…
So, here we go…
Back in my teens:
“I’m going to ‘Man up’ this year and quit fantasying about high heels and nylons.”
“I’m going to buy my own high heels and nylons and quit trying to wear the ones that don’t fit.”
“I’m going to hit the weights and really bulk up.”
“Ich! I need to do something about the hair growing on my chest.”
“I’m going to find a nice (and hot) girl to be with.”
“I’m going to dress like a hot girl. The nastier, the better. I love extremely high heels.”
“I’m going to stop having these girly urges and throw away my stash.”
“I need to find a better hiding place when I buy more things.”
Back in my twenties ( I was married at 21):
“I’m married and it’s time to have a family. No more girl time (I didn’t yet know what I was or that I was a crossdresser. I thought I was broken and could fix myself.)
“It’s a shame that I can’t fit into her clothes; they’re so pretty. Guess I’ll buy my own.”
“It’s been nearly two years clean, but the stress is getting to me with the new baby. I won’t give in!”
“Did you see those shoes in the window at Younker’s? They’re on sale and lingerie is 60% off.”
“I’m going to toss everything before we move into our new house. Start fresh and be a better husband and father.”
“Ooh, I found a great place to stash and rebuild my wardrobe. I think it’s time I start growing my hair longer and quit chewing my nails.”
“Three girls in the family! I’m doomed! I have to spend more time with the guys!”
“Little girl clothes are so adorable! I love watching my wife put on her makeup; she’s so good at it. I bet I could do that. I’ll wait till she’s gone for the weekend and try.”
Back in my thirties:
“I can’t take this anymore. I need to purge everything; the stress is killing me.”
“I’ve been doing research and there are many others like me. The internet is wonderful.”
“I need to lose weight; I’ve really started to pack it on. I’m going to join a fitness club.”
“Pilates and aerobics would tone those legs and improve our health. We should start using some moisturizing cream on our face and do something with those shaggy eyebrows and the hair in our ears.”
“I need to reconnect with my wife. She is becoming distant, and we argue all the time. I need to be better and not so sharp in tone and my actions!”
“More me time and the stress will go away. I’m not a cancer but a vital part of you. Maybe it’s time to confess and accept the consequences.”
“I need to focus on the family and do what’s right!”
“I’m not going anywhere. I’m that part that makes you kinder and empathetic. Listen more to me and life can be better for all of us.”
“I need to do more research on what it means to be a crossdresser or if I’m something else. These feelings keep telling me that this isn’t ever going away.”
“There’s nothing wrong with you. You are who you are. Together, we can be whole.”
Back in my forties:
“I promise to be a good father to the girls now that I’m divorced. If she rats me out, I’ll face it.”
“I will buy all the things I’ve never had and shine! I’ll learn to do makeup, style my hair, and live openly.”
“I need to move on and find some validation in another relationship.”
“I’m going to fit into that size 12 even if I have to exercise vigorously and do extreme dieting.”
“I’m going to purge all of my feminine things and delete all the pictures. Time to be 100% man.”
“I’ll give you time, but I know you can’t ever be all man again. I’ll be back!”
Back in my fifties:
“I think that the best thing for me is to be single. Learn to love all of me for who I really am. Two failed relationships have lots to tell about my shortcomings. Focusing on me is what I should do.”
“I will help you see I am you and always have been. Together, we will grow and learn to be content and happy.”
“I’m going to do the things that make me happy and not worry about what others think. It’s time to embrace who I am.”
“I’m going to whisper in your ear, and you’ll see how much calmer our life will be when you listen more to me. We’ll take our time and work on us.”
“I won’t give up on a relationship, but if it happens, I’ll be upfront early. No more hiding this part of me.”
“Wouldn’t it be wonderful to find a new place, in a new state, where we can be us without the expectations put on us by others? It’s never too late in life to be who you were meant to be.” 😊
Now, in my sixties:
“I’ll care less what others think. I’ll be kinder to everyone. I won’t put demands or expectations on others, and I will treat myself with respect, toss away the stigmas and labels so that I can just be me.”
“I will smile more, moisturize, moisturize and moisturize. I will hold my head up high and walk with grace. I will be quick to forgive and less judgmental… especially with how I look. I will continue to work on becoming the best, blended version of us.
“I won’t be afraid of what others may think and deal with it should the time arise. I will not be afraid to be different, to be me. I will continue to find blessings and accept happiness.”
“I accept we may never be more than what we currently are. I won’t push. I will enjoy the beauty of this life and be content with sharing time. I will also be brave and move out of the closet into the sunlight.”
Wonderful article, Brina! Loved it. What CDer doesn’t see
himselfherself in many of these examples?Thanks, Raquel! 🙂
Hi Brina, a great retrospective. Mine would be a bit less varied – guy mode (any decade): “I’m such a loser and hate being a sneak". Girl mode: “I wish I could live the life I know I am meant to be and how I can hide my stash of things this time around".
Then this year: “I’ve decided I can’t do this anymore, and I can’t keep the two halves separate any longer. I need to transition without putting it off".
That’s my story and I’m sticking to it! BTW, you still look smashing!!
Thanks, Brielle 🙂 I was trying in a roundabout way to show how I fought and then came to accept who I am…or as you put it…who I may become as it is ever more difficult to be separate.
We may not be the same person as an Individual, but as a group we are the same person.
We act as one in an army of crossdressers and transgenders.
See, we all have Individual lives, but when you add us all up. We are like one with a similar history.
Hippie
Thanks for the comments. I would agree that we are much more similar than we are different.
You just said the same thing as I did, in a lot less words. That’s why you’re the writer and not me.
Brina, Great article!
Love your outfit in the cover picture too, especially those shoes!
You are looking good!
Thank you, and Thank you 🙂
I’ve been there for the most part. A big difference is my memory isn’t as clear as yours. Still, I hear a lot of the same echos. Excellent story!
Thank you for saying so!
Wow!
First let me say your picture is very pretty.
I just joined CDH. I just turned 53 and will celebrate my 33 Wedding anniversary.
Let’s get our girl on!
Best Wishes,
Celestine
Thank you, Celestine 🙂 …and may we have all night to keep it on, or even days 😉
First, I would suggest that everybody read Brina’s article at least twice. … slowly …thinking about each resolution carefully … each on it own … and each in the context of the whole progression.
Some are really funny. Just about all are full of insight.
Altogether as profound and self-aware-and-honest-with-oneself an introspection as I’ve ever read, by anybody, anywhere.
And yes, those legs are FABULOUS!
Thank you!
Don’t know what to say, Cassie. What a kind and wonderful tribute. 🙂 I had no idea if this crazy story would even be liked.
This wasn’t “a story," Brina. This was succinct, candid exposition of the mind (and heart) of a crossdresser, so accurate in its capture of a crossdresser’s life in general that it should be studied by academics.
I liked the way you summarised the conflict between the male and the female personas in your mind and how they gradually got in tune. And I hope you keep living a fulfilling life, withouth the worries and the self censorship from the past.
PS.: I loved these pink heels <3
xoxo
Daisy
That was exactly the message I hoped to share! 🙂 “I wish I knew then what I know now." We all have a lot of living yet to do and to stop the internal fighting is the best way to do so better.
Thanks for commenting!
(they are one of my favorite pairs 😉 )
Hi Brina what a splended post bravo girl yes looking back to way early days much strikes the truth nerve thank you for the memories ha ha ..
Hugs Stephanie Bass
Thank you, Stephanie 🙂 Hindsight sure gives us a chance to see all those little signs that we missed earlier.
Thanks you for the memories! I loved reading this, but how did you get into my head, and see the videos playing there? God, how we manage to mistreat ourselves, as we try to navigate life for everyone else.
Just great, Sabrina
Imagery is what we are all about 🙂 Especially, us (being crossdressers). It’s also the way that I like to write as an author. I’m never sure how it will be perceived by others, so thank you for the kind compliment!