I suppose there comes a time in all Transgender lives, where we pass the baton of ownership and responsibility from our previous self, to our genuine true self, the new self.
I’ve heard a lot of different thoughts about this from other Transgender ladies in group therapy. Some are adamant that they feel somehow slighted when they are misgendered or misnamed by old friends and acquaintances. Personally I don’t really yet understand this. I’ve heard some of them use the word Dysphoria.. as a reason…but I just don’t get it.
I’ve been David for 53 years. While I am sad that it took this long to grasp the reality of what was happening to me all those years, I have no ill will toward David. He did his very best to try and make it. It was his daunting task to try and understand the world around him, and where he fit in it. The pressures were all on him. The punishments were all on him. The pain, was all on him. He carried me miraculously to this point.
He woke up, and saw the light, and cleaned my body for me. He quit smoking for me and started a health routine and eating organic. He detoxifies my body and prepared a temple within it for me. I can see that David knows that I am the queen of this body and he has graciously handed me a beautiful and clean palace in which to carry out my life.
I am ever grateful for that, for him. I weep for him for the pain he has endured, and the humility he withstands as he hands me off into the world, to be free at last. To soar as a graceful being among the others. I am honored. And he is slipping away, slowly disappearing into the mist of time, waving farewell and smiling fully at me in my glory, for he live on inside of me even as I take the helm.
All he has known has been passed to me as a gift, to carry me through this world. A gift that is like a dowry of sorts, full of wisdom and treasures, gifts of courage, of abilities and understanding, patience and persistence. So many gifts he has laid at my feet, I am forever grateful.
This is how I see it. And if I am honored to have him remembered in the eyes of those that loved him, I’ll accept his tributes over and over. For, he is me, in all ways, but he lives inside of my spirit now. I am Danielle, that is clear, but, David is always ever near.