I suppose there comes a time in all Transgender lives, where we pass the baton of ownership and responsibility from our previous self, to our genuine true self, the new self.
I’ve heard a lot of different thoughts about this from other Transgender ladies in group therapy. Some are adamant that they feel somehow slighted when they are misgendered or misnamed by old friends and acquaintances. Personally I don’t really yet understand this. I’ve heard some of them use the word Dysphoria.. as a reason…but I just don’t get it.
I’ve been David for 53 years. While I am sad that it took this long to grasp the reality of what was happening to me all those years, I have no ill will toward David. He did his very best to try and make it. It was his daunting task to try and understand the world around him, and where he fit in it. The pressures were all on him. The punishments were all on him. The pain, was all on him. He carried me miraculously to this point.
He woke up, and saw the light, and cleaned my body for me. He quit smoking for me and started a health routine and eating organic. He detoxifies my body and prepared a temple within it for me. I can see that David knows that I am the queen of this body and he has graciously handed me a beautiful and clean palace in which to carry out my life.
I am ever grateful for that, for him. I weep for him for the pain he has endured, and the humility he withstands as he hands me off into the world, to be free at last. To soar as a graceful being among the others. I am honored. And he is slipping away, slowly disappearing into the mist of time, waving farewell and smiling fully at me in my glory, for he live on inside of me even as I take the helm.
All he has known has been passed to me as a gift, to carry me through this world. A gift that is like a dowry of sorts, full of wisdom and treasures, gifts of courage, of abilities and understanding, patience and persistence. So many gifts he has laid at my feet, I am forever grateful.
This is how I see it. And if I am honored to have him remembered in the eyes of those that loved him, I’ll accept his tributes over and over. For, he is me, in all ways, but he lives inside of my spirit now. I am Danielle, that is clear, but, David is always ever near.
Best, Dani
Well said, Dani. We are who we are, we become who we must, but the foundation of our being is still part of who we are and will ever be.
OMG Dani! What a beautiful post from a beautiful girl! I love how effusive and ebullient you are! It is infectious and gives me hope that one day I too can be as happy as you so obviously are today! God bless you for living our dram and proving an example or the rest of us to follow! I especially like that you don’t hate who you used to be realizing that HE too was part of who made you who you are today! I too feel mixed feelings about the shell that covers the person am inside. Congratulations and… Read more »
~powerful~ When I reflect back to the fake life I lived before I found the courage, at age 50, to finally be true to myself and live my life as it should’ve been all along, I don’t like what I see. Yet, after reflecting on your thoughts, I can now see how I was really trying to build the foundation needed to step out and become happy…..to become me. Thank you for that Danielle.
Very moving and I am in full agreement with you Dani, I as well at 55 have begun my transition to my “real" female self.
Love how you have so kindly put it as to who David was and how he brought you to where you are. I also have a David who for 58 years has been trying to shoulder the task of helping me find the real me. As “Dawn" I have been so jealous of the time David gets on the stage of life. Until I read about your David, I have had a new appreciation for my David. Thanks so much for the insight and wisdom. You rock and all the best for your future. Hugs “Dawn “
Dear Dani and Dawn,
That was so moving, I also have a David who has shouldered the burden of bringing me to this point. Thank you so much Dani , you have brightened my day xo
best wishes,
Tracey x
That was so beautiful! I was deeply moved! You had me in tears! I can really relate to what you are saying. For me, I am not really saying goodbye to my male self as much as I am making him a part of my female self. Much of who and what I am I owe to him. Like you, I have seen his sorrows and felt his pain. Many times I have wept with him as he has struggled to find out who he really is and as he has gained the strength and courage to be that person.… Read more »
I love you all. You make me cry with joy as I reflect on our collective journey. Sisters we are, individual journeys of very similar paths. Parallel lives in different spaces united by the same goal, to be us, for once and for ever. Thank you all so much for your thoughtful insight and sharing. Kind words. Encouragement. We can’t do this alone, it is our collective energies that will help each and every one of us hold our heads high and be us. Love Dani
A wonderful post Dani. I have so often said that we are ‘who’ we are not ‘what’ we are and that being able to acknowledge our feminine self is a huge part of finding peace within ourselves. I do not intend to transition to live life wholly as a female but I am now able to completely embrace the ‘who’ that is me. As much as I have come to love and embrace Jane I have also found that I no longer despise the male side of that ‘who’ for, as you say, my male self has done all the… Read more »
A lovely article Dani. Succint, from the heart and inspirational.
I wish you all the happiness, love and success you obviously deserve as you continue you journey.
Thank you so much for sharing.
Love,
Maxine.
Thank you for your wonderful words Dani. You have expressed the situation for many of us much better than I ever could.
Love Wendy