Since coming to the realization that I am transgender, I also realize I have never been completely intimate with anyone. One of the things missing in my life is true intimacy, sexually with my wife and relationally with both her and others. When you are hiding something the true you never fully comes out and therefore it is impossible to be truly intimate.
This lack of intimacy is a void that seeks to be filled and if not, one can end up acting out. Destructive behaviors like seeking or having an affair. Drinking too much or taking drugs. Angry temper tantrums boil over at what seems like the slightest thing. Pushing people away because we are afraid they will see the real us, or that we will only hurt them in the long run. This lack of intimacy can, and often does, destroy relationships and keeps others from blossoming.
Certainly, intimacy has many levels depending on the type of relationship, but if we cannot be who we truly are we can never attain that deeper level of intimacy that we seek. The great risk for those of us, who have been living our lives in the closet of secrecy, is losing what intimacy we do have, in fact possibly losing the relationship(s) completely. On the other hand there is also the possibility of having an even deeper relationship.
For us to tell those closest to us about our secret is to know that in some ways the relationship will either die or have to be re-invented. While we are mostly the same person, we are also different as we begin to live authentically, and that in many ways necessitates new relational trusts and boundaries etc.
I read the other day about a husband and wife story where the husband lost his memory because of something that happened during brain surgery. He had no memory of his former life. His wife and children were strangers to him. In fact everyone was a stranger. His wife still loved him dearly but realized he was not the same person. She had to mourn the loss of her husband and then the two of them began to form a new relationship based on his new personality. Over time it worked and they fell in love all over again but it was not the same relationship it was completely new.
If you are married or in a love relationship this is, in a way, how your wife or lover will feel about you. They will have to morn the loss of their spouse, as they knew them, and learn to love the real you. Not everyone is capable of this. If your marriage does fall apart you will need to be truthful with whomever you start a new romantic relationship so that the relationship will be built on trust. Maybe not immediately but certainly before even kissing, as not doing so can have disastrous results. This is hard because one will be afraid they will never find anyone who will understand. But, true intimacy must be built on trust and it will be destroyed if that trust is violated.
I am coming to the realization that I have to take that risk. I have to have true intimacy. Hopefully my marriage will stay intact but I will never truly have the intimacy I seek without coming out and living an authentic life. If that means having to find and make new relationships then that is how it will have to be. To me living a lie is the greater pain. Living without true intimacy is the worst pain. I have weighed the pluses and minuses and know that the pain of not living authentically is becoming greater each day. Will it be painful on the other side? Probably, but I will be my authentic self and the pain caused by living a lie will subside as I forge a new life as my true self.
Latest posts by Staci Andrews (see all)
- Seeking True Intimacy - March 14, 2016
wow Staci. What a story and what insight. Yes, hiding yourself will damage your relationships in the long run. I should know, I have been divorced 3 times and, thought I did not think so at first, I came to realize that the hidden part of me kept me from being as close as I should have been with my partners. Trust lost is hard to rebuild and if they can’t make room for the other side of you, it is likely that any marriage will not stand. It is time for you to open a dialog with your wife.… Read more »
Thanks, Rosaliy! I did come out to my wife about 2 weeks ago. I actually submitted this article about 6-8 weeks ago and it just not got published. She is taking it pretty hard, saying that I have turned her life upside down, I am brainwashed, it’s all craziness, I will ruin her and my children’s lives, etc. She did offer to let me just dress around the house sometimes but does not want me going out it public dressed. While dressing helps with my dysphoria it is not the complete solution as I really need to function and live… Read more »
Rosaliy, an update. I have been living fulltime as a woman since April 2, 2018. I am still married but live apart from my wife. We are friends and I see her often, at least once a week. She has come to be OK but still wishes I would detransition. She is fine being seen with me in public now. My Grown children are pretty much the same way. I speak with them often and have gone out to dinner and movies with them several times. We all had Thanksgiving dinner together last year. Life is really pretty great right… Read more »
Wow, Staci, Excellent in depth written word. It is so true what you wrote .
Trust is a big issue with me and I have been married twice myself. If you don’t have trust
then you have nothing to work with. So, as Rosaliy stated go slow slow an start from the beginning and work from there. And also be true to your self always. Good luck.
Stacey S.
Thanks, Stacey! I am doing my best to go slow but as you probably know that is really hard for us who are older. We feel as though we have so little time left to enjoy and authentic life.
Staci you hit the nail on the head! You have to be true to your own heart before another can truly know you! I hope to one day find that intimacy with someone!
Thanks, Cyn! I hope you find that someone!
This is very true, you need to be true yourself. I have found it easier over the years that I have been out. I have been out since a very long time since I was very young.
Thanks, Jessica! I hope I too find it easier. I feel that I have come a long way but still have a long way to go. Looking forward to what the future has in store as my true self!
Staci: I finally got to read your comments; it brought tears to my eyes. I have hidden my true nature through 61 years of marriage, five children and grandchildren and a largely successful career. I excuse my closeted life on the grounds of “preserving the family," and our family has survived quite happily. Perhaps it is due to the era into which I was born, being raised during the Depression, living through World War II and accepting my obligation to the armed services (Korea). We were taught not to expect much in life, but merely to gain security. And of… Read more »
Wish you all the best MsKatie! Thanks for your reply and for your service to our country!
Hi Staci, I finally had time to read your article and your comments to others. All I can say is that I can truly relate. I finally came out to my wife just a few months ago and we went through all of the things you described, including my wife offering to let me dress at home but not in public. Like you, that isn’t enough though, so for now we have settled on a compromise where I will tell her when I need some “Holly time" and then she will go away for a few days so that I… Read more »
Holly, an update. I have been living fulltime as a woman since April 2, 2018. I am still married but live apart from my wife. We are friends and I see her often, at least once a week. She has come to be OK but still wishes I would detransition. She is fine being seen with me in public now. My Grown children are pretty much the same way. I speak with them often and have gone out to dinner and movies with them several times. We all had Thanksgiving dinner together last year. Life is really pretty great right… Read more »
Wow. This article really hits home. The" They will have to morn the loss of their spouse, as they knew them, and learn to love the real you. Not everyone is capable of this" Line is exactly the phase my wife and I are going through right now. Our marriage will not survive it I am afraid and the future looks lonely. I can not let that affect the way I feel and stop my progress as Krista. It is nice to know others feel this way and I am not alone. Thank you for sharing
Today I actually went out on a lunch date, my first date with a man. After hiding in the closet for what seems like my entire life, at 75 I finally decided I was tired of it, tired of hiding, tired of lying, tired of being ashamed and scared, tired of living my life afraid of what meaningless people might think, so last November on my 75th birthday I came out. Fortunately all my friends and siblings have no problem with it, as long as I’m happy, and they all say they’ve never seen me so happy. It’s amazing what… Read more »
@Jennifer Friendly well done to you
Hugs,
Anna x