Since coming to the realization that I am transgender, I also realize I have never been completely intimate with anyone. One of the things missing in my life is true intimacy, sexually with my wife and relationally with both her and others. When you are hiding something the true you never fully comes out and therefore it is impossible to be truly intimate.

This lack of intimacy is a void that seeks to be filled and if not, one can end up acting out. Destructive behaviors like seeking or having an affair. Drinking too much or taking drugs. Angry temper tantrums boil over at what seems like the slightest thing. Pushing people away because we are afraid they will see the real us, or that we will only hurt them in the long run. This lack of intimacy can, and often does, destroy relationships and keeps others from blossoming.

Certainly, intimacy has many levels depending on the type of relationship, but if we cannot be who we truly are we can never attain that deeper level of intimacy that we seek. The great risk for those of us, who have been living our lives in the closet of secrecy, is losing what intimacy we do have, in fact possibly losing the relationship(s) completely. On the other hand there is also the possibility of having an even deeper relationship.

For us to tell those closest to us about our secret is to know that in some ways the relationship will either die or have to be re-invented. While we are mostly the same person, we are also different as we begin to live authentically, and that in many ways necessitates new relational trusts and boundaries etc.

I read the other day about a husband and wife story where the husband lost his memory because of something that happened during brain surgery. He had no memory of his former life. His wife and children were strangers to him. In fact everyone was a stranger. His wife still loved him dearly but realized he was not the same person. She had to mourn the loss of her husband and then the two of them began to form a new relationship based on his new personality. Over time it worked and they fell in love all over again but it was not the same relationship it was completely new.

If you are married or in a love relationship this is, in a way, how your wife or lover will feel about you. They will have to morn the loss of their spouse, as they knew them, and learn to love the real you. Not everyone is capable of this. If your marriage does fall apart you will need to be truthful with whomever you start a new romantic relationship so that the relationship will be built on trust. Maybe not immediately but certainly before even kissing, as not doing so can have disastrous results. This is hard because one will be afraid they will never find anyone who will understand. But, true intimacy must be built on trust and it will be destroyed if that trust is violated.

I am coming to the realization that I have to take that risk. I have to have true intimacy. Hopefully my marriage will stay intact but I will never truly have the intimacy I seek without coming out and living an authentic life. If that means having to find and make new relationships then that is how it will have to be. To me living a lie is the greater pain. Living without true intimacy is the worst pain. I have weighed the pluses and minuses and know that the pain of not living authentically is becoming greater each day. Will it be painful on the other side? Probably, but I will be my authentic self and the pain caused by living a lie will subside as I forge a new life as my true self.

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13 Comments
  1. Rosaliy Lynne 3 years ago

    wow Staci. What a story and what insight.
    Yes, hiding yourself will damage your relationships in the long run. I should know, I have been divorced 3 times and, thought I did not think so at first, I came to realize that the hidden part of me kept me from being as close as I should have been with my partners.

    Trust lost is hard to rebuild and if they can’t make room for the other side of you, it is likely that any marriage will not stand.

    It is time for you to open a dialog with your wife. Start by trying to get her take on the whole trans gender issue. In the long run, it is better for you to come out than be found out. You can go a long way to negating trust fail issues doing this. It may be hard for her to take at first but be patient with her and re-assure her on all counts.

    Above all – be yourself !!! That is all you can be.

    • Author
      Staci Andrews 3 years ago

      Thanks, Rosaliy! I did come out to my wife about 2 weeks ago. I actually submitted this article about 6-8 weeks ago and it just not got published. She is taking it pretty hard, saying that I have turned her life upside down, I am brainwashed, it’s all craziness, I will ruin her and my children’s lives, etc. She did offer to let me just dress around the house sometimes but does not want me going out it public dressed. While dressing helps with my dysphoria it is not the complete solution as I really need to function and live my day to day life as a woman and be on hormones at least. Hopefully when she processes this a little more she will come around but I am not holding my breath. I am doing my best to be patient with her and not say or do anything that would burn any bridges.

      For now I am just taking it one day at a time and waiting for my referral to the endocrinologist to come through. May be up to a four month wait on that.

    • Author
      Staci Andrews 4 months ago

      Rosaliy, an update. I have been living fulltime as a woman since April 2, 2018. I am still married but live apart from my wife. We are friends and I see her often, at least once a week. She has come to be OK but still wishes I would detransition. She is fine being seen with me in public now. My Grown children are pretty much the same way. I speak with them often and have gone out to dinner and movies with them several times. We all had Thanksgiving dinner together last year. Life is really pretty great right now.

  2. stacey s 3 years ago

    Wow, Staci, Excellent in depth written word. It is so true what you wrote .
    Trust is a big issue with me and I have been married twice myself. If you don’t have trust
    then you have nothing to work with. So, as Rosaliy stated go slow slow an start from the beginning and work from there. And also be true to your self always. Good luck.
    Stacey S.

    • Author
      Staci Andrews 3 years ago

      Thanks, Stacey! I am doing my best to go slow but as you probably know that is really hard for us who are older. We feel as though we have so little time left to enjoy and authentic life.

  3. Staci you hit the nail on the head! You have to be true to your own heart before another can truly know you! I hope to one day find that intimacy with someone!

  4. jessica humphrey 3 years ago

    This is very true, you need to be true yourself. I have found it easier over the years that I have been out. I have been out since a very long time since I was very young.

    • Author
      Staci Andrews 3 years ago

      Thanks, Jessica! I hope I too find it easier. I feel that I have come a long way but still have a long way to go. Looking forward to what the future has in store as my true self!

  5. MsKatie 3 years ago

    Staci: I finally got to read your comments; it brought tears to my eyes. I have hidden my true nature through 61 years of marriage, five children and grandchildren and a largely successful career.

    I excuse my closeted life on the grounds of “preserving the family,” and our family has survived quite happily. Perhaps it is due to the era into which I was born, being raised during the Depression, living through World War II and accepting my obligation to the armed services (Korea). We were taught not to expect much in life, but merely to gain security.

    And of course, transgenderism was not a fact when you consider that Christine Jorgensen didn’t become herself until I was age 24 and into a marriage.

    Weep not then for me, as I have been content to privately enjoyed my womanhood.

  6. Holly Morris 3 years ago

    Hi Staci,

    I finally had time to read your article and your comments to others. All I can say is that I can truly relate.

    I finally came out to my wife just a few months ago and we went through all of the things you described, including my wife offering to let me dress at home but not in public. Like you, that isn’t enough though, so for now we have settled on a compromise where I will tell her when I need some “Holly time” and then she will go away for a few days so that I can have that time to be my true self.

    I haven’t taken the next step of consulting a doctor to make an appointment to see an endocrinologist (not yet, at least) as I have not made up my wind if I am willing to lose everything if I take that step. My wife did ask if I want to be on hormones or live fulltime as a woman, and even said that she could see me making that decision someday. I guess it is obvious even to her that I would truly like to do that at some point.

    While I know how excited and anxious you must be for August to arrive, I can also only imagine the fear/concern/pain you are also going through in other ways as you ponder the major changes that will be coming your way. If you’d like to talk more, let me know and I will send you my personal email address.

    In the meantime, know that you have a lot of friends here that you can share with. While we may or may not all be going down the same path, we can all sympathize as we are all somewhere along the transgender spectrum.

    Hugs,

    Holly

    • Author
      Staci Andrews 4 months ago

      Holly, an update. I have been living fulltime as a woman since April 2, 2018. I am still married but live apart from my wife. We are friends and I see her often, at least once a week. She has come to be OK but still wishes I would detransition. She is fine being seen with me in public now. My Grown children are pretty much the same way. I speak with them often and have gone out to dinner and movies with them several times. We all had Thanksgiving dinner together last year. Life is really pretty great right now.

      Sorry I missed the notice on this message and it has taken me so long to get back. Feel free to send me a personal message.

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