If you have followed my posts on CDH, you will have read about my inner war. It started when I was a teen. Living on the outside as a tough guy athlete and never showing emotions because that is a weakness just like all the other males in my family. On the inside, I was sensitive, emotional, nurturing and wanted to make meaningful personal connections with others. I also had dreams at night that I was a teenage girl. They often were erotic in nature. I wanted to feel that on the outside, soft and feminine.
My inner war was a battle between the inner female feelings and my fake outside masculine tough image. The result of this war was deep damage to my self-esteem that lasted over four decades. My inner female came out a few times, only to retreat back into oppression and denial sometimes resurfacing in a dream at night.
I started playing with the guided self-hypnosis recordings back when I was 28, I noticed that they made a difference in my life. Often, I wanted to talk to my counselor more than the once per week that insurance would not allow, so I needed a positive outlet. They were there when I couldn’t sleep and felt like my life was falling apart. They were a kind voice when I felt lonely and empty. I have purchased many recordings and continue to use them. They have also evolved in quality and content.
I started to buy some audio recordings from a certain place that sold them. The title of one of the recordings I purchased was “Self Love”. I would listen to this recording on and off. I liked it and would always come back to it. Something with that recording really resonated with me.
Last winter I decided to really concentrate on using this recording on a daily basis. After a couple weeks, something changed in my life. When I started this listening phase, my gender issues and inner war were the furthest thing on my mind. My intent was to get a little boost of good feelings during the dark winter months. At first, I started to feel a lightness to life and little irritants didn’t seem to bother me like before. I continued to listen to the Self Love recording. Then I felt something lift that I had been carrying all my life. I was emotionally close to my mother, but she suffered from depression. During her down times, she would often say hurtful things. I had tried many times to forgive her but was unsuccessful. I couldn’t shake the grudge that I was carrying until now. I realized the poor woman needed a hug and someone to listen to her. She was surrounded by males who were living the tough guy persona. I was too as it was expected by father and brothers, but deep down hated it. My mother passed away many years ago, but I now have a deep empathy for the life she endured. When she was pregnant with me, she wanted a girl. I wish that I could go back and shed the tough guy image and give her the emotional connection she needed.
Another result I started to notice is I was feeling a deep acceptance and connection with my inner self. The inner self that had always been there – the true me. It certainly wasn’t the tough guy male who lifted weights wanting to be the next Arnold Schwarzenegger. It was me, the woman that I always wanted to be. The girl that my mother wanted. There she was, sensitive, emotional, nurturing and wanting to make those deep meaningful connections with others. And she wasn’t buried under oppression and denial. I felt a bliss about life that I never felt before.
Where does your healing come from?
Have you tried self hypnosis recordings and found them helpful?
- Are you currently at peace with the feminine side of you now or are you experiencing feelings of guilt and shame still to this day?
Thank you girls for taking the time to read my article. Please feel free to send me your responses to either my article or to one or more of the three questions I’ve posed to you above.