I’ve been meaning to write an article for some time now.
But the moment I try to write something, it just goes out of the window, and I’m left staring at the wall or a blank screen, trying to catch the proverbial train that just left the station. On the other hand, standing by the door of the proverbial train and trying to sort out my ideas made me lose my confidence and courage to board the train, time and time again. This time, as I was strolling through the proverbial tracks reminiscing of lost time and lost opportunities, the proverbial train suddenly came out of nowhere, but having learnt from multiple incidences prior I knew better than to avoid it. So I stood my ground and let the train hit me dead on and center and drag me wherever, noting down the journey in black and white as it unfolded in my trusty notepad, while hoping against all hope that I’ll be able to convey the message across. So, hold on to your reading glasses for here goes nothing.
For those not familiar with Selilah, my biographical info reads as:
“Hi, I am Selilah. Selilah is a part of me that I have come to realize is more than just an alter ego. She is me, and I am her. She has been a part of me for as long as I can remember; she knows me best, and I know she will be with me till the end… I am grateful for this wonderful site, which gives me an opportunity and a platform to express myself without fear of prejudice from an intolerant society we call “Advanced,” and to let the world know that Selilah truly exists and isn’t just a figment of my imagination…”
I stand by it. Thinking back now, I kind of always knew about Selilah, but she was nameless initially… It was only in my latter years during a journey of self-discovery and self-realization that her name emerged. She is still growing and learning, wanting to experience new things as I grow.
As a kid growing up in a conservative and traditionally modern society where everything gender related seemed to be set in stone, I always felt a little different (as in having my own fantastical thoughts and perspective on things… I guess…)
I still remember my 7-8-year-old self with a fantastical and naive belief that all human beings were the same, that we all share similar experience as both male and female in our lifetimes. That a human child born a man will become a woman as he grows, and a human child born a woman will grow up to be a man. In short, a wholesome human experience.
Though, I kept most of those thoughts to myself…
To this day, I’m still not sure if it was Selilah questioning her existence or if she was born out of this unfulfillable fantasy.
For a long time now, I have come to realize that I am a human with two personalities living in peaceful and consensual coexistence with each other in one body. Each acknowledging the existence of the other; albeit initially in an unconscious manner (I know so because I used to always have a conversation and discussion with myself, and to which it’s something I still do.. but it’s not that multiple personality thingy if that’s what you are thinking..:) :p ). It was not until I started having a desire to have (grow) breasts (well, a teenage boy wanting to grow breast is quite normal I imagine) that I reexamined and questioned myself and finally noticed Selilah.
This period of self-realization was quite monumental when I think about it now. Well to be frank, wanting to grow and have breasts stemmed from the events of puberty. As it happens with everyone, once puberty hits, we all experience some breast tissue growth irrespective of sex (a very short duration for males actually, but it leads to breast development in females). I honestly wanted mine to develop some too 🙂 🙂 … Well, as you’d expect, nothing happened, but it did make me question myself…
It would seem that I rode the train of the autobiographical kind. 🙂
Thank you for your patience in reading this article.