I attempted to communicate the feminine side of me to my first wife. I am sure my attempts were feeble and no doubt unlearned. How could I help her understand about me what I didn’t understand about myself, had no objective evidence to prove it, and was such an antithesis to our Christian faith? Although almost zero dressing, displaying no outward evidence of my feminine essence, purposing with a yoeman’s determination to keep “it” locked away and “manning up” until I die, I WOULD endure for the sake of not hurting my wife and straining our relationship to the brink of divorce.
However underneath I was unsettled, moody, quiet, lonely, at times withdrawn, and to a degree non-social. As a good wife does, she knew something was amiss. When she eventually put 1+1 together and understood my locked away desire for womanhood was the source of my moodiness she valiantly tried for a period to accept her husband’s “problem”.
Her eventual conclusion; she just couldn’t live with a man who believed he was a woman. And to some degree understandably so. Eventually, on the advice of a counselor she divorced me for this reason. That hurt deeply, but was not much of it not my own making?
How ironic that all of the pain generated by my suppression and hiding to avoid divorce should be for nought. Divorce was the end.
And the beginning.
I remarried. My new bride knew ahead of time of my inner gender struggle. She married me anyway; because she claimed, she loved me. But I hid my self like before because, . . . well. . . I am sure you can figure it out.
Yet, I was blessed. In my current wife I found a woman who not only claimed she loved me but went on to prove it. Rather than distancing herself from her feminine essence husband she patiently and kindly lived with me. She engaged her moody man with continual expressed love. After much discussion, powerful listening on her part, no fretting or “freaking out”, with a heart to truly understand me she asks, “and how can I help you be the woman you need to be in order to be happy.”
When I came out to her I was not prepared for the acceptance and support that her genuine love for me created within her.
The lesson? Hurt can not be avoided when you are not honest about your authentic self. Undoubtedly YOU will be hurt if you stay closeted, but so will your relationship with not just your SO, but also with others in your life. Quite possibly your SO may be hurt if you open up to her, so either way being closeted is hurting people.
But may I say that if there is genuine deep love in your relationship you may be pleasantly surprised by unexpected results. Truly, the truth will make you free.
Early this morning my wife and I greeted each other in the kitchen with a hug and warm kiss; she in her robe and I with pink toenails, in a knee length nightie and satin cover up. I have never felt so loved or free. Together we were two happy women.
Please share your secret. Do it properly and the results will change your life.
1) How long have you been in the closet with your thrill of cross dressing?
2) Do you have a plan for getting out of your closet?
3) Does that plan lay emphasis on your SO’s needs and feelings as equal to or more important than your own needs?
Thank all of you CDH girls for taking the time to read my article! Now if you have a few moments, please feel free to send me a response to my article or to answer one or more of the three questions I’ve posed to you above!
More Articles by Charlene Victoria
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- Beyond The Beginning To Becoming
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