I attempted to communicate the feminine side of me to my first wife. I am sure my attempts were feeble and no doubt unlearned. How could I help her understand about me what I didn’t understand about myself, had no objective evidence to prove it, and was such an antithesis to our Christian faith? Although almost zero dressing, displaying no outward evidence of my feminine essence, purposing with a yoeman’s determination to keep “it” locked away and “manning up” until I die, I WOULD endure for the sake of not hurting my wife and straining our relationship to the brink of divorce.
However underneath I was unsettled, moody, quiet, lonely, at times withdrawn, and to a degree non-social. As a good wife does, she knew something was amiss. When she eventually put 1+1 together and understood my locked away desire for womanhood was the source of my moodiness she valiantly tried for a period to accept her husband’s “problem”.
Her eventual conclusion; she just couldn’t live with a man who believed he was a woman. And to some degree understandably so. Eventually, on the advice of a counselor she divorced me for this reason. That hurt deeply, but was not much of it not my own making?
How ironic that all of the pain generated by my suppression and hiding to avoid divorce should be for nought. Divorce was the end.
And the beginning.
I remarried. My new bride knew ahead of time of my inner gender struggle. She married me anyway; because she claimed, she loved me. But I hid my self like before because, . . . well. . . I am sure you can figure it out.
Yet, I was blessed. In my current wife I found a woman who not only claimed she loved me but went on to prove it. Rather than distancing herself from her feminine essence husband she patiently and kindly lived with me. She engaged her moody man with continual expressed love. After much discussion, powerful listening on her part, no fretting or “freaking out”, with a heart to truly understand me she asks, “and how can I help you be the woman you need to be in order to be happy.”
When I came out to her I was not prepared for the acceptance and support that her genuine love for me created within her.
The lesson? Hurt can not be avoided when you are not honest about your authentic self. Undoubtedly YOU will be hurt if you stay closeted, but so will your relationship with not just your SO, but also with others in your life. Quite possibly your SO may be hurt if you open up to her, so either way being closeted is hurting people.
But may I say that if there is genuine deep love in your relationship you may be pleasantly surprised by unexpected results. Truly, the truth will make you free.
Early this morning my wife and I greeted each other in the kitchen with a hug and warm kiss; she in her robe and I with pink toenails, in a knee length nightie and satin cover up. I have never felt so loved or free. Together we were two happy women.
Please share your secret. Do it properly and the results will change your life.
1) How long have you been in the closet with your thrill of cross dressing?
2) Do you have a plan for getting out of your closet?
3) Does that plan lay emphasis on your SO’s needs and feelings as equal to or more important than your own needs?
Thank all of you CDH girls for taking the time to read my article! Now if you have a few moments, please feel free to send me a response to my article or to answer one or more of the three questions I’ve posed to you above!
Sincerely, Charlene
More Articles by Charlene Victoria
- Stop Dreaming and Start Achieving
- Beyond The Beginning To Becoming
- A Long Life to Freedom
- I learned something that Halloween
I can empathize. My feelings about being a woman on the inside was just too much for my ex to accept. I have yet to be in a relationship with a woman who will. It is my hope someday i can find someone who would give Missie a chance in a relationship. It’s ok for now as i am still learning about myself and who i am.
Hi Missie. Thank you for sharing. I am sorry that the disclosure of your inner femme self caused your marriage to dissolve. I understand just how real the pain is. Unfortunately it is caused by that which we didn’t ask for but must live the best we can.
I do hope you will find someone who is able to embrace the whole you. In the mean time be blessed as you continue to learn about yourself.
Peace.
Thank you. I hope someday i can ffind a woman who can accept me for who i am, but i am hopeful. Also i look forward to making new friends on the journey.
I can empathize as well. I have been in the closet for years. I have been a good faithful husband and with my kids and tried to stay my man self but 2 years back I told my wife about my cross dressing desire and don’t get me wrong my wife tried a little bit to support it but it just eventually made us drift apart as she didn’t truly understand my strong desire that grows each day as it wants to be part of my life. So currently now in between marriage counseling and I know personally she has… Read more »
Jasmine, I am sorry that your struggle is so severe. Navigating through your circumstances will take wisdom and love beyond your self. I offer my prayers.
I am glad you found an ally in your younger sister. May that support help you grow as a person, one who uses your difficulties to become better and stronger.
Peace.
Its a lovely article Charlene and follows many of my own feelings. There is unseen harm in hiding, not only to ourselves but it also deprives others of knowing the more centred and content person that is often supressed within. Those good feelings make us a better partner or friend.
Olivia
Hi Olivia. Thank you for your encouragement. I agree that hiding is not the best option, yet disclosure does have its own price tag, often times very costly.
Can one afford that cost or is the value of one’s nondisclosure status worth it is a very personal choice. Whatever the choice living with a strong feminine presence is challenging indeed.
Peace
Thank you for a nicely written and important article, I am glad you have found joy, happiness, and your true self with your new wife! To answer the questions. I have never really been closeted to my wife in the way so many others here have been. She always knew I had a fondness for wearing women’s underwear, etc., and this went on for many years. Then I felt the pull to dress up more often, learn to be passable, and go out (much of my story is here on CDH). That was a hurdle for her, and fortunately she… Read more »
Hi Amy. You and your wife have found the value of and are practicing some beautiful principles. Temper; Compromise; Together; Closure and stronger;
Thank you for sharing. You have encouraged me as I move forward with my wife.
A thoughtful article, Charlene. I should probably write an article in response but I’ll start here and see what becomes of it. With sports there is such a thing as a “sweet spot" – the spot on the bat that results in a home run, the tennis shot that comes off the racquet perfectly, the right-on hit of the golf club to the ball, etc. I suggest that we have to find the “sweet spot" in a relationship. Our feminine expression is a continuum- from minimal things, like wearing panties or sleeping in a nighty, to full makeover and going… Read more »
Dear Randi. Thank you for sharing. Excellent thoughts filled with wisdom. I believe the analogy is so apropos. Before or even after disclosure finding that “sweet spot" is essential. And as any pro knows finding it may takes years of practice and hard work.
In this area of life the challenge is that two individual sweet spots must be found and brought together. Achieving this balance is so very personal and difficult as we both know. Surely it will take wisdom from above and love; oh so much love.
Blessings dear sister.
Hello, I have just been reading your article, and found it to be extremely interesting. I have been dressing enfemme off and on for over forty years(since mid to late teens) and have been trying to get together with other crossdressers with varying degrees of success, but as I have reached my 62nd year, I am more determined than ever to express my femme self as much as I can, and hopefully meet some other cross dressers once this Covid-19 crapola passes i.e., once an effective vaccine is produced. I await your reply.
love, Alexis Thorne
Wonderful article! It’s reassuring, yet also dead serious that without honesty, there will always be hurt, no matter what the outcome. It does make me think why is it that do many of us endure such pain living a double life with wives who don’t know or aren’t supportive. Maybe because we are afraid of all we might lose and all we might never find in life again. Your current wife sounds amazing!
Hi Alexis. Thank you for your comments. Seems like a number of ladies here are in their 60s with the same determination to express the femininity that is so real in their hearts, even as you are determined. This is a wonderful place to grow your circle of girlfriends and your own femininity.
Blessings
Charrie
Hi, Charlene Victoria, your reply to me was just great; I wish that I access to this kind of community support when I was younger; it’s really good, hope that things are well with you.
Hi Lea. Yes I agree my wife is amazing in her ability to love and accept me as I give expression to my inner woman.
Being honest with her was difficult as I am sure it is in all our lives as we long to and finally speak to them. I am thankful the opportunity was divinely given to me and even more grateful for the results.
Blessings
Charrie
After 2 failed longterm relationships I have found happiness with my new girlfriend. I’ve been a CD for 40+ years, people are way more accepting now a days or I’m at an age where I just don’t give a dam, funny thing is every women I’ve told about my other side is very supportive and most find it a turn on as I’ve come out in the last 3 years. Happiness and acceptance is out there stay strong.
Janet
Thank you Janet for your thoughts. Glad you found that special person who can love you as you have revealed your whole person.