It happened.
Today was the day that I finally moved our relationship, and my cross-dressing, from a ‘Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell’ policy, to being open and owning it.
I should have had this first conversation a long time ago—at least I wish I could have had it— but now, the time felt right, as we are getting older with some health issues (not major) and we were talking through them.
She has had some anxiety issues of late and I asked if I was causing or contributing to any of them? She said no, which felt more like: ‘No – quit acting like a typical guy and thinking it is about you’. So I went further to clarify: I have been shaving my legs for a year, at all times, we get pedicures together and I have a pinkish, shiny, clear on my toes now. I asked if all this contributes to her anxiety around what my intentions are—while pointing at my legs and toes. What is next? She said, no, I know you are taking better care of your skin. I said, yes, that is part of it but it all started when I was little, in the basement, with my sisters. We had a box of old heels and dresses that we would play dress up in. Then, when I was 11, I was caught trying on a skirt of my closest sister, in age, in a room by myself. I saw the skirt and the pull was extreme. I was just drawn to it and had to try it on; I didn’t understand it then, don’t understand it now. I felt shame when I was caught, but nonetheless, this was and is a part of me.
I like to look pretty. I like to get fully dressed and adore a dress or skirt and cute shoes. It is a major stress relief for me and it is getting stronger as I get older. I assume my testosterone is going down; I have always had a bit of gynaecomastia since I hit puberty. That was always a concern for me and a bit embarrassing for a kid that loved athletics and I put my dressing under wraps for the first 20 years of our marriage, yet it is coming back and part of who I am, undeniably.
I love shopping for outfits for my wife—and me—that flatter and make her feel better about herself. I always admired how she cares about how she looks, dresses, and takes care of herself; it is part of what I loved about her from the beginning. I reminded her of a moment in our marriage when I had tried on and stretched out a slip of hers. She pulled it out and looked right at me with a miffed look on her face; she doesn’t remember it, but I do, like it was yesterday.
She loves how I dress nicely in drab. I shared with her that when I am shopping for her – and me – in drab, women have commented how good I am putting things together. That is the fun part and I stressed to the women at Soma that I have to put outfits together for me as well! The fact that the comment occurred when I was matching bras and panties for me was a part I didn’t share.
We didn’t talk about the time I needed her to join me for work at a big gala. She had zero interest and was very self-conscious about buying a gown, so I shopped for her and had a bunch of options shipped in for her to try. I don’t think that would happen in most relationships, but it was fun for both of us and she loved how she looked. The pay-off for me was her feeling good about herself and being able to enjoy the evening. Of course, I would have loved to be in a gown and gorgeous heels as well – but that was not meant to be! I was proud to be in a tux with her at my side. My wife is my best friend; I rely on her and she on me—I told her I didn’t want this to impact us but she needed to know. I joked that if I had a stroke and all the filters came off, I would be in a dress the next day. If she’d had no idea that would be quite a shock! She laughed. I told her I have my own undergarments and clothes. Yes, I have tried on some of hers but I keep that to a minimum; undergarments were a key piece that I wanted to ensure were separate. She liked and appreciated that and didn’t seem concerned about the other try-ons. She asked if I had things hidden around the house. Yes. She simply said ‘good to know’. No emotions behind the comment at all.
I don’t know if life is about to become better or more challenging. All people take time to process things and like grief, will go through a range of emotions. What I do know is it ended with a tearful hug from both of us and her thanking me for sharing this part of me. Thank you all for being who you are in this community and for supporting all of us as we navigate this part of our lives. I love and appreciate all of you!
Janet 💋
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Janet these topics always make me recall how I “broke the news” to ALL of my SO’s through the years. I always presented being a CD as a positive thing to them. I would begin with, well, I need to tell you about a hobby I have that’s a bit different….it’s not a big deal, but it is fairly rare amongst most men. And then I would go into more details, all the while emphasizing that it’s just a small part of the successful person you happen to be with. Several girls on CDH talk about “exuding confidence” when going… Read more »
Thank you, Grace! Great advice! I don’t know where it came from but I have been sharing this side of me with the confidence that it is a part of who I am. That part is not open for debate and it has its benefits! She gets a more sensitive partner with better fashion sense than most! I want her to look and feel good about herself and I am mroe prepared to help. I did share that while there aren’t a ton of us out there, we are far from the isolated with this interest. Many keep it quiet… Read more »
@Janet Jorgenson Exactly Janet. And not only those benefits but she knows where you’re at when you’re dressing, it’s fairly inexpensive as far as hobbies go and it’s not harmful to anyone. It’s all positives with zero negatives. What woman wouldn’t want her husband to be a crossdresser I say!😆
HA! I love your optimism! Unfortunately, it can be harmful if your loved ones can’t get their heads around it and take it as a personal threat or afront to the you they have always known and love.
@Janet Jorgenson If my wife had a deep secret she never shared with me and I found out about it after she was gone, I would be devastated. Not about the secret itself, but the fact she concealed it all that time and felt she could not share it with me. That would bother me the rest of my life. I think we have to go for broke and tell our spouses. Even if your wife gets freaked out – at the very least, you shared it with her. I think most spouses would agree that’s the better road to… Read more »
You are a good person. I agree.
Thank you for sharing
Good luck. I did what you did. I’m getting divorced. Not fun.
So sorry to hear it! I don’t think that is the path we are going. We love each other and are still making time for each other. Making space for Janet will be a challenge but I don’t think insurmountable. I will be thinking of you!
I reflected on your comment some more and feel like it is a huge benefit for our community that you shared your experience. Nothing is right for everyone. I hope there is a silver lining at the end of this for you!💋
It is all good, I just would have done a few things different. After almost 7 months I’m so glad she left. I feel so free and looking forward to new adventures.
@michellegirl great to hear. I remember I was in the office and a friend of mine came in and he looked AWFUL. He didn’t talk about it for a month but his wife filed for divorce. It was brutal at the time. Fast forward a year and the same guy said it was the best thing that ever happened to him! I hope the same holds true for you and that you have a great quality of life!
Life’s short Janet, BE HER BESTEST GIRLFRIEND ❤️ it will all work out girlfriend, never to late!! Best wishes ❤️
Xx
Brianna
I am so hoping for that EXACT outcome!💋
Congratulations Janet!! Glad to hear it went so well!!
I just had “The Talk" myself several months back with my wife. It also went very well. It can take some time, and maybe a few long talks before the processing is in a more comfortable place. It was so very worth it for us! We are closer than we have been in a while. I wish you and your wife the very best, and hope that Janet can be out much more often!!😊
Thank you, Lara! I think every day is getting a little better. We are going to yoga together, spending more time together, talking deeper, and sharing more. I think like you, this might be a good thing in the long run. What guard rails have you and your wife agreed to that make it workable for both? Do you go out together? Very curious!💋
Hi Janet,
I am going to send you a private massage.😊
That’s such a brave and inspiring story. Thank you so much for sharing it. I hope one day I can be as strong as you.
Thank you and just remember to be kind to yourself. Have a happy holiday season!
Hi Janet!
Thanks for sharing this with us. It give me hope. The one thing I am not looking forward to is the possible disappointment she will feel because I didn’t share it with her.
Happy Holidays!
Hugs,
Autumn
Your welcome. I get it. I had a range of concerns that being a huge piece of it. Happy Holidays to you!
Janet💋
Thank you Janet for sharing.
I revealed to my girlfriend that I am non-binary 5 months ago, she is in total acceptance and very supportive. I have hidden all this since I was 10 years old and honestly I am surprised by the support of everyone I have revealed myself to. So much anxiety for nothing… Let’s be ourselves!
Sophie
Amazing! So happy for you! 💋
Thank you for sharing this , it sounds to me like it’s a massive step In the direction you want to be going , I wish you all the very best and happiness 😍
Thank you, Laura! I love the support you are providing your SO!💋
Hi Janet
Loved your article and your picture, you look fabulous.
Hugs,
Samantha x x x
Thank you, Joan! Glad you liked it! I think we are on a good track at this point, too!