Should we tell?

I have been dressing for about half a century, starting well before puberty.  I have never felt like telling anyone who knows ‘him’ about ‘her’.  For starters I would be too embarrassed that they now knew that about me.  Whatever they said, however they acted, they would have additional knowledge that they had not known for all the time before. Unless they had a memory failure it is still, even these days, an unusual piece of information which is bound to have some impact whatever is said or thought.  Furthermore, what benefit do they get from knowing? Perhaps they could appreciate that I trusted them enough to have confided in them but is there anything else?  Do they now have to keep it to themselves?  Can they share that knowledge with their partner, best friend, acquaintance, work colleague, another who also crossdresses?  If none of the above then should I have asked, before divulging, if they should like to know something about me which only they can know and not let anyone else know?  Are they now obliged to provide me with one of their innermost secrets?  Do I in turn wish to know something like that about them, something that I in turn cannot divulge to another and must keep secret, even from my wife, for instance? In fact, before I tell anyone about my dressing should I clear it with my wife first?  Would she be comfortable with others having such knowledge about us, having information that currently, as far as I am aware, only she knows?

It is so much simpler to not tell another soul and as I said, that is my starting position and always has been. There is always the possibility that I might get caught or otherwise inadvertently give myself away; although that has always been a possibility, however many precautions I take.  My wife found out about me because I was careless. However, I have come across some who have deliberately confided in others and have positively relished doing so. They have not ‘come out’ but just shared themselves with one or two carefully selected close friends or colleagues and seemed to have found that liberating for them.  It just scares me silly.

I am not the least ashamed of who I am or what I do or have ever done.  I never consciously chose to crossdress. I tried not to but life got far more comfortable when I just accepted Linda was part of me, though I am no different. Linda has always been part of me and those who know me have also seen her in me.  We are one and the same, just the presentation differs.  On occasions Linda gets full control of the body which is attired, behaves and shows mannerisms as far as she can appropriate to her gender.  Do I need to account for or explain this to anyone else when I don’t understand it myself?  I don’t feel I am attempting to fool either myself or anyone else, I am just being me.  While society has moved miles in my lifetime in these respects, dressing to be a woman as much as possible is still off mainstream.  Does it say anything about me or those who I love or who love me?  I don’t think so at all, but might it if I was to tell anyone else what is essentially purely personal to me?

So in answer to my title question, I think it is a firm “No” for me but I have no problem appreciating there are those for whom it is an equally firm “Yes”, though I’m certain they do so only after careful consideration of all the possible consequences for all concerned. That is way beyond me.

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Linda

Nothing gives me greater pleasure than being out and about treated as a genetic woman

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Delbra Dawn cordry
Lady

hi i was born delbert my mother told me that i was supposed to have a twin . i did but she shares my body , she is delbra dawn whom i totaly love . she fought for years before i finaly acccepted her as part of me .so i can well relate to linda’s artical . love delbra
dawn

Jackie
Ambassador
Member

Maybe the possibility exist that you are over thinking it. Sometimes we see things that seem so huge and scary but once addressed we find that it was actually pretty easy to do. I can only speak for myself but once clean and out of that refined dark closet I felt a new freedom. I didn’t set out to tell the world, only those that mattered the most and once that was done the rest fell into place. Good luck Linda.

April (Pacific Princess)
Ambassador
Member

Linda – I understand your point of view and for most of my life I shared it. I still think to tell or not to tell, and who to tell, is a personal decision and one that is affected by so many different things, that no blanket answer would be correct. For me, I spent the first 58 years of my life worrying about what others thought of me, and it took a near-tragedy for me to finally stop caring what others thought. Part of that for me includes eventually coming out to those I love, because I do not… Read more »

*skippy1965(Cynthia)
Ambassador
Active Member

Linda, I totally understand the reluctance to tell others of this intimate part of yourself. I had thought when I got married that the feelings and desires to dress would go away, but as happens to all of us, they returned as strongly as ever if not more so. My ex found out about Cyn accidentally one year into the marriage and almost left then but ended up staying another 12 years (and another child too) before deciding she could not tolerate it anymore. So I definitely feel that any SO/spouse has the right to know as secrets in a… Read more »

Xeri Renee Alexia
Lady

As I have told many of you I come from a strict conservative area. I have thought about telling selected siblings and maybe a couple of locals about my crossdressing. Reading Linda’s article, honestly, led me to conclude that my crossdressing is no more anyone else’s business than, say, my going to the ballgame or hanging out with my vanilla friends. Crossdressing enhances my life, no doubt, but those of none of the other vanilla friends I care deeply about.

Terri
Baroness

I told my wife after 10 yrs of marriage after she had found a woman’s phone # in my wallet. I could have made up a story and not tell her, but I was tired of lying and told her. Needless to say it was a shock. We had 3 children at the time. We are married now 45 yrs and have 5 children. As far as I know my children don’t know. My wife is always afraid of them finding out. I feel no need to tell them and if they do I will explain it the best I… Read more »

Lisa Murphy
Guest
Lisa Murphy

Hi Terri. Hope you are well! Miss you !

Terri
Baroness

Hi Lisa!
Miss you too, hope all is well with you.
Huggs Terri

Caroline
Guest
Caroline

What a lovely, thoughtful article by Linda. However, I identify so much with Terri. We practically have the same situation and live in the same environment – with one difference: my wife helps me make up and dress appropriately when I go out for a short walkabout, also maybe twice a month. The one big thing she doesn’t know, and I feel so miserable about it, is that I have long confided in other women friends. I know it’s been a burden on them, but they have so kindly accepted me and they treat me as one of them. Nothing… Read more »

Terri
Baroness

I have a friend that is 91. She now lives as a woman. Her wife passed away when my friend was in her late 70’s. She didn’t know. After she died my friend came out to her children and grandchildren. They all accept her. She is very active politically and does a lot for the community.

Manager Codille
Managing Ambassador

Linda,

Yes or No, the fact that you feel comfortable presenting either way because it is ALL you and is ALWAYS all you alomst make the question in your case irrelevant. I am so glad you found that balance as few of us do.

As for Yes or No for me….the answer is some Yes, some No, mostly I don’t care either way.

A very well written article Ms. Linda!!!

Codille Benton
Managing Ambassador

VickieJ
Lady

Linda,

Thanks for writing such a nice article.

I too have agonized over the same question. Do I tell some one? If so, who do I tell? Although recently I have come out to some people who are very close to me, I came to the conclusion that I would tell people when it felt as though it was for my own benifit. It felt good to tell them. It felt like a tremendous amount of weight had been lifted off me.

My point is, it’s about us. It’s never been about them.

Hugs and best wishes,

Vickiej

Wanda
Guest
Wanda

Linda
I too have always wrestled with the idea of telling others about me. My wife found out about a year after we were married. She found my stuff while unpacking after a move. She accepts me foe who I am. We have been married now almost 30 years. I really would like to tell my sisters, maybe one day. My older sister may already know or at least suspect because I use to wear her clothes when we were younger.

Wanda

bizarresuzanne
Guest
bizarresuzanne

I grew up with 17 aunts, father seldom around (a workaholic!) so learned that I would have loved to have been born female VERY early in life. But, by the same token, I have hidden this part of me from so many for so long that its become my usual forte’. Only recently, having “joined” sites on the ‘net have I been comfortable letting others know who and what I am, what I’m into. My own family, no…but friends from the ‘net definitely yes. I keep hoping to meet and dress with other gurls near me… I am the Very… Read more »

Amanda Patrick
Lady

Hi Linda, Who to tell ? I choose wisely if at all. Some days I just want to blurt it out to the world. other days I think what benefit does it do to tell people. The most important person my wife knows about me and knows I purchase things for my self and knows I have been out in public once although not really impressed with the public thing she allows me private time at home to dress. as long as she doesn’t see it. when I mention coming out to our kids both adults she is firmly against… Read more »

Trisha Seegmiller
Guest
Trisha Seegmiller

I am out 100%, I have never felt better. I had same doubts as you did, but realized that the social stigma was just a control that society uses to force conformity. You should never be afraid to be who you are, if people don’t accept it they are not needed in your life. Wish you the best.

kenita
Guest
kenita

my crossdressing started after my mom passed away in 76 I was 13 n very confused……I started wearing my sisters bikini n panties…..One day she caught me in a halter top n made me dress the whole way……then another time she caught me wearing her bikini…and made me lay out in the front yard sunbathing loved that to until the neighbor girls came up n seen me n of coarse the was the end of hiding they always dressed me in their clothes……it died down for a while I joined the service and wasn’t to happy dressed male…….got married for… Read more »

Kathi Thrall
Lady

What does it benefit anyone to know? It gives me pleasure and that what matters. I care not what others think except for close friends who would probably be confused by, that info.

Margie
Guest
Margie

Like Linda stated – the first sentence is a valid question. But one answer could be the ability to not have to hide something and feel some guilt?

Michelle
Guest
Michelle

My wife was aware of my crossdressing before we were married. She does not participate or encourage me in any way. I keep my body and legs smooth shaven; and would love for my wife to encourage, even better, order me to wear sheer nylons on a regular basis seeing as I keep my legs so feminine. She could even tease me about my crossdressing, calling me her feminine “husband bitch”. Thus; I’d enjoy a dominant side to her nature. Also; I’ve always had the fantasy and desire of her openly flirting with other men, and having an intimate relationship… Read more »

Margie
Guest
Margie

Linda, I fought with that question for so many years. I still do and now it’s become more pressing. When I came out to my wife in 2004 it was a disaster, she burnt my clothes in the kitchen sink. As time went by I could dress a little but had to wash my clothes separately. Then things got better to the point we would shop together. She would continue to be very accepting but then we always worried as to how the kids would act (daughter & son now in 40’s) if I told them. Her doctors knew and… Read more »

Emily closet
Lady

Thanks for sharing.
I am firmly in the don’t tell category. Like you, I have been dressing for a very long time and find keeping it a secret the lesser of evils. These days I am struggling with this secret. I am sure their is an ebb & flow to the emotions…

Peace
Emily

donna misteriosa
Lady

Thank you Linda for sharing. I don’t want to burden any family members with my secret, cd’ing is for my benefit only! Yes, not having to worry of being discovered would be the only positive with me telling the wife or immediate family. To shift the burden onto them, IMO, is somewhat selfish. However, I appreciate the support and understanding from the like minded ladies in the CDH community-thank you ladies.

Maxine Anderson
Lady

I agree,I would not introduce all my friends to my family and other friends.They know me as who I am,maybe they would not get along with Maxine.

Allanna Martiansky
Baroness

Well after reading other comments on Linda’s dilemma, seems like it is a very common problem that we, including myself, wrestle with most of the time! However with myself, which has been going on for near 50 yrs-cant believe it??? I feel good and so complete when i assume the person on the inside on the outside also!! Had a like minded friend three years ago and we were so supportive with each other, we went out enfem many times, but then she had to move to La, and that was a breakup that sent me back into the closet!… Read more »

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